Just want to chat

Daily, I avoid people because I can't ever gauge exactly what they mean with certainty, I upset people so easily but that is so against my wishes that I frequently feel more upset about what pain I may have caused than the person to whom I am supposed to have caused it.

I

And me, I never intend to upset, maybe I am not always at fault? It may just be that they are not in a happy place anyway?

Regardless it upsets me a lot more when I presume I may have been responsible.

I then go through that spiral of internalising the pain I sense and feel, when I feel I have really upset someone greatly I feel my whole body pulse with a wave of tingling pain flow from shoulders to toes, Inevitably if this continues and is noticed I become defensive and if any form of comfort or understanding is offered I reject it as I feel unworthy for causing such hurt.

A vicious circle of self inflicted internalised pain.

I just never feel good enough or able to give people what they want...no matter how hard I try... continual guess work! Why are we like this! ..... arrrrgggghhh! 

Yeah, I know what you mean about people talking to you like you’re simple. My work coach at the job centre has been great with me, she has a step daughter that is autistic and she previously worked with people with severe autism for seven years. However, she talks to me sometimes like I’m simple. I want to say to her, sweetheart, I have degrees, I used to earn in a day what you earn in a week, I might not be able to do some daily living activities but I’m not f*****g simple! Lol! But if I said that, it would be taken in a way I didn’t intend, so I don’t say it, and I’m not angry at her, far from it, it was her who organised my current help, she’s been brilliant and I’m really grateful to her and I really like her. 

I choose now, to mostly not speak to other people too much. I’m good with my autism group but with other people, I acknowledge that we speak a different language and therefore there will always be confusion if one or both of us is not willing to stick with the conversation until we both understand what we’re both saying to each other. And quite franky, most people are unwilling to go to those lengths, which is fine by me, because I’m happy in my own little world, without the interference of other people coming into my sphere. People still come and talk to me of course, generally when they want some advice or something and they have all learned (apart from my son), not to come to me unless they want genuine solutions to their ills, and they always get them, so they go away happy and all is well. That’s enough social interaction for me, most of the time. I have no power over how I am perceived by other people and neither is that any of my business and to be honest, I have no idea how I come across to people so I don’t pay it any attention. Getting involved with thoughts about how I come across, what do people think of me etc, is a bit like a dog trying to catch its tail, it’l be at it forever but he’ll never catch it. I’ve got other things I’d rather be doing. 

Yeah, I know what you mean about people talking to you like you’re simple. My work coach at the job centre has been great with me, she has a step daughter that is autistic and she previously worked with people with severe autism for seven years. However, she talks to me sometimes like I’m simple. I want to say to her, sweetheart, I have degrees, I used to earn in a day what you earn in a week, I might not be able to do some daily living activities but I’m not f*****g simple! Lol! But if I said that, it would be taken in a way I didn’t intend, so I don’t say it, and I’m not angry at her, far from it, it was her who organised my current help, she’s been brilliant and I’m really grateful to her and I really like her. 

I choose now, to mostly not speak to other people too much. I’m good with my autism group but with other people, I acknowledge that we speak a different language and therefore there will always be confusion if one or both of us is not willing to stick with the conversation until we both understand what we’re both saying to each other. And quite franky, most people are unwilling to go to those lengths, which is fine by me, because I’m happy in my own little world, without the interference of other people coming into my sphere. People still come and talk to me of course, generally when they want some advice or something and they have all learned (apart from my son), not to come to me unless they want genuine solutions to their ills, and they always get them, so they go away happy and all is well. That’s enough social interaction for me, most of the time. I have no power over how I am perceived by other people and neither is that any of my business and to be honest, I have no idea how I come across to people so I don’t pay it any attention. Getting involved with thoughts about how I come across, what do people think of me etc, is a bit like a dog trying to catch its tail, it’l be at it forever but he’ll never catch it. I’ve got other things I’d rather be doing.