Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, my first post. I'm 55 and was diagnosed with a SpLD (Dyspraxia) in 2003, but it never fit. My daughter has been diagnosed with Aspies and me too just recently. It's helped a lot, but doesn't stop the pain. I had a meltdown today. I was trying to get my pigheaded colleague to authorise something but he kept throwing it back at me telling me things I already knew and what I should be doing but he didn't give me what I needed. The crazy thing is, I've been doing the job for about 3 years and him only a few months, so he's treating me like I don't know anything just because he's a senior grade. I couldn't get him to see logic. This isn't the first time and I know he doesn't respect me. I had a meltdown and couldn't stop. It's like acid brain and there's little me inside watching the tears and frustration, sobbing in the ladies' loos, and I have no control. I made my lovely boss cry as I told her to go away when she was just trying to help. I could her an upset wobble in her voice but I couldn't stop. I feel so guilty and devastated. I just want to curl up and sleep afterwards but, even if I could, I feel so ashamed afterwards I can't settle. I feel, even though I was justified in getting deeply frustrated with the lack of logic, it was still my fault I hurt people. Does this happen to you?
Alexandra
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Daily, I avoid people because I can't ever gauge exactly what they mean with certainty, I upset people so easily but that is so against my wishes that I frequently feel more upset about what pain I may have caused than the person to whom I am supposed to have caused it.
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And me, I never intend to upset, maybe I am not always at fault? It may just be that they are not in a happy place anyway?
Regardless it upsets me a lot more when I presume I may have been responsible.
I then go through that spiral of internalising the pain I sense and feel, when I feel I have really upset someone greatly I feel my whole body pulse with a wave of tingling pain flow from shoulders to toes, Inevitably if this continues and is noticed I become defensive and if any form of comfort or understanding is offered I reject it as I feel unworthy for causing such hurt.
A vicious circle of self inflicted internalised pain.
I'm familiar with that. When I offend people unintentionally I feel very very quilty.