Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, my first post. I'm 55 and was diagnosed with a SpLD (Dyspraxia) in 2003, but it never fit. My daughter has been diagnosed with Aspies and me too just recently. It's helped a lot, but doesn't stop the pain. I had a meltdown today. I was trying to get my pigheaded colleague to authorise something but he kept throwing it back at me telling me things I already knew and what I should be doing but he didn't give me what I needed. The crazy thing is, I've been doing the job for about 3 years and him only a few months, so he's treating me like I don't know anything just because he's a senior grade. I couldn't get him to see logic. This isn't the first time and I know he doesn't respect me. I had a meltdown and couldn't stop. It's like acid brain and there's little me inside watching the tears and frustration, sobbing in the ladies' loos, and I have no control. I made my lovely boss cry as I told her to go away when she was just trying to help. I could her an upset wobble in her voice but I couldn't stop. I feel so guilty and devastated. I just want to curl up and sleep afterwards but, even if I could, I feel so ashamed afterwards I can't settle. I feel, even though I was justified in getting deeply frustrated with the lack of logic, it was still my fault I hurt people. Does this happen to you?
Alexandra
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Daily, I avoid people because I can't ever gauge exactly what they mean with certainty, I upset people so easily but that is so against my wishes that I frequently feel more upset about what pain I may have caused than the person to whom I am supposed to have caused it.
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And me, I never intend to upset, maybe I am not always at fault? It may just be that they are not in a happy place anyway?
Regardless it upsets me a lot more when I presume I may have been responsible.
I then go through that spiral of internalising the pain I sense and feel, when I feel I have really upset someone greatly I feel my whole body pulse with a wave of tingling pain flow from shoulders to toes, Inevitably if this continues and is noticed I become defensive and if any form of comfort or understanding is offered I reject it as I feel unworthy for causing such hurt.
A vicious circle of self inflicted internalised pain.
Yeah, you said it Lonewarrior, a vicious circle of self inflicted internalised pain. And the definition of insanity, is to keep doing the same things with the same undesirable effects, again and again.
As you said, if it ‘appears’ that we have upset somebody, then we can simply turn to the truth and know that not only have we not upset them, but that it’s not even possible to do so. This is the truth. So the next time you ‘appear’ to have upset somebody, instead of going down the same well trodden path of self destruction, you can turn to the truth and declare, I am no more responsible for this person’s temporary unhappy state than I am for their temporary happy state or any other state we dance and float between during any given day. They are the cause of their pain, like we’re the cause of our pain.