Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone!
I know this is a common question, and I found many threads on this forums (as well as blog posts somewhere else about it), but I feel like they don't fully address preoccupation. Ideally I would like to have a chat with someone who's gone through this, but I find it difficult to attend local groups, specially in this state of uncertainty. If anyone wants to have a chat, here or on any other platform, I'd be more than happy to.
I have joked about being on the spectrum since I was young because of my attention to detail, my analytical skills and my somewhat lacking social skills. I never took it seriously because I was highly functional and I didn't have any of the well-known traits such as stimming or fixation with certain words. Now, as an adult (35yo), I'm starting to feel certain blocks in my life, specially dealing with social situations, and looking back at my life there are many things that can be explained really well by Asperger's or HF Autism. From small things like being fussy with food because of the texture, to massive things such as mental health issues like depression and obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD).
The reason I would like to be diagnosed is to find help in overcoming my limitations. It helped in the past with depression and OCPD. Just knowing how they worked allowed me to find ways of coping with them, to the point that I wouldn't say I'm OCPD anymore (except for maybe some minor things) and my episodes of depression are now very short (a couple of days) and very far apart (can't remember when was the last one). If I can learn how ASD works in my own head, I would be able to find ways of going around it.
What is holding me back is that I don't like the idea of being labelled. It's not so much a matter of stigma, although that's part of it, but the fear that it will change my perception of myself and how others perceive me. I have always fought against being boxed. I don't like when people just accept (or not) something you do or say just because of some label, and it's something I experienced a lot with other labels I carried.
But my biggest fear is using that label to justify my limitations, or even start developing some traits because now "it's official". I know it's irrational, that just the label will not change who I am. I proved myself and others in the past that it's not your skills/talents, but what you do with them. I've done things I have never imagined I could do, so I should expect to be able to get over this as well. But the fear is there. I don't want to end up saying "sorry for my lack of filter, but I'm on the spectrum".
So I'm tempted to not give it a name and dealing with these blocks in my life as I've done before: Learn to be more compassionate towards my limitations and finding ways around them. Other than giving it a name, are there any other benefits from a formal diagnosis?
Thank you for reading :)
Hi Indecisive,
Great name! It described me for much of my life. I've always had trouble with decisions - especially really important ones. An Aspie trait is over-analysis. Going over and over and over details until my mind is boggled. People say to me 'Just do a 'pros' and 'cons' list'... but it really isn't that simple. How do you 'weight' pros and cons? When is a con a pro in disguise?
Anyway... that's beside the point. I could say loads, but the others have already said many things I agree with. So, briefly... I was finally diagnosed two-and-a-half years ago, at the age of 56. It was one of the best things I ever did. I don't regret it for one moment. And it's made me feel so much better about my life. My mental health has improved. And so, would you believe, has my decision-making. I feel that I can now make more informed decisions about what's best for me.
Labels? They don't bother me. If other people want to apply them - that's their problem. They can think what they like. They can think of it in terms of limitations. I, though, now think of it in terms of opportunities.
And I'm no longer afraid to say 'no' to others for fear of being thought selfish, difficult, obstinate or lazy. Again... they can think what they like. I do what's right for me, now!
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Tom
Well done for learning to say no Tom. I only realised recently how difficult it is for me to say no, but I'm learning to say no. I've also got this well rehearsed automatic habit of wanting to still kind of please people. Fortunately that's also getting less. I know what you mean about the decision making getting easier as well. Since my diagnosis that has improved for me as well. It's still all relatively new for me as well but even on the dark days, I'm still so glad I got the diagnosis. It's almost like I've been given permission to be me.
Well done for giving her the lift Tom. I said no to my neighbour the other day, she wanted a lift into town and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the traffic and it wasn't an urgent situation, so I said no, and walked into my house. Previously, I would have given myself hell for that, but I knew I couldn't do it, so I didn't stress. But you know what, like you, if I had been put in that kind of a spot, I would most likely have done the same thing. I think sometimes, with us, it's more than people pleasing. It's more like, most people aren't as generous and giving as we are, they have all their rules etc but we just like to help. The thing is, we're learning that we need to take care of us too. I hope the rest of your evening went well and you were able to unwind from it all. I've realised that one of the reasons I have to keep a certain distance from people is because I can't comfortably manage all the unexpected things of other people or their lack of personal responsibility, which I used to take on as if it were mine! You did a good thing. I bet your cat (sorry, forgot her name) was pleased to see you when you got home. Can't wait to get my little kitty.
Yeah... having said that, though, I found myself getting caught out the other night after work. As I was walking to my car, a younger colleague (who buses in) ran up and said 'Are you in a hurry to get home?' I mean, what a question to ask! Who isn't in a hurry to get home after work? 'Yes,' I said.... and then 'Why do you ask?' She then told me that her grandfather was in the local hospital and he'd called her to ask if she could go up and see him. She could have walked there easily through the back streets. No more than 20 minutes. But I knew she'd been stalked for a little while by her ex, and didn't like the thought of her wandering those streets after dark. So... I was in a spot. I'd have felt mean saying 'Sorry, I can't give you a lift.' But I felt miffed at being, as I saw it, blackmailed morally. I ummed and ahhed for a moment. I knew it would make me at least 20 minutes late getting home because it would mean heading into difficult traffic, so I then had to mentally reschedule my evening. She started to walk away, saying 'Don't worry. It's fine.' At which point, I told her it was alright. But it threw me out, and I was agitated as we were driving. She knows I'm autistic, and she said to me 'Is it an autistic thing?' I then explained how it wasn't so simple for me - being a little late home. I said, too, that I struggled with having a short-term change of plan - and her asking me for a lift in the way she did had put me on the spot. Finally, of course, it was that people-pleaser thing again.
If she asks me again on the spot like that - and she does it with other staff, too (when I first started there, one of her first questions to me was 'Which way do you drive home?) - then I'll say 'No'.