Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
Because of his total lack of empathy and after 25 years of marriage, I think my partner may have an autism disordre.
He is rather introvert when the conversation goes in a personal direction, never talks about personal things to me and he does not really register the things I say.
Now it feels as he has never registered anything I said (dreams, plans, wishes) in all this years.
When I talk him about a problem, he will come with a solution and sometimes there are no solutions. I cannot quit my job because of a mobbing issue f.i.
But I never got comfort or empathy. And I mean never in all this 25 years. He would rather leave the room and start shouting.
It seems to me that problems are a lot of stress for him. For the rest, he focusses at lot on this job but never talked to me about certain plans, family projects in the future etc. He just lives form one day to another. Likes to clean and to put all things in the right place at home. But is terrible in household administration. (has a degree in economics)
He has a high level sales manager who has not been at home a lot during all this years.
Sometimes I think that family was a lot of stress and this way he could get away for it all. The normal family life with ups and down, children laughing an fighting, crying..
Than on the other hand with other people he is rather social, he is not bad at small talk at all. He is key account manager so he has to do a lot of talking.
People say to me, your partner autistic? he is so social! Impossible.
So the talks a lot but never about himself and when we are together with friends. I miss depth in the conservations and he often tells the same stories from the past over and over again.
So my question is it possible to be that social and have an autistic disordre at the same time? At home he is a very serious guy with little needs or interests and less friendly with this own family than with other friends and people.
Thanks for your reaction
After your partner has been sociable somewhere, what happens? Does he need time on his own or maybe get a bit irritable and short-tempered for a while? Is he noticeably very tired?
Does the socialising mostly occur when alcohol is involved? Does he socialise just as well when totally sober?
At home he is rather silent and not talkative. When we have friends over, he is really very different, he is the perfect host. He can be short.-tempered a lot in private but never ever with other people outside the family.
For his job, as an manager in sales, he has to meet a lot of people. So he has to be social. It do not see a difference with or without alcohol.
But I always miss this personal touch, he will talk about politics, economics without a problem. He always adapts himself somehow to the people and the situation and that is why people like him.
But one of close friends, that we have known now for more than 15th years, asked me recently:
"your husband, does he talk to someone, does he have someone he can talk to"
In certain situations and with people we do not really know, he can act like someone that is unfamiliar to me, a different style of speaking, and I know that is not my husband. It feels more like pretending in order to meet the criteria in certain situations.
NAS36023 said:"your husband, does he talk to someone, does he have someone he can talk to"
What do you think this means? Why might this question have been asked?
If your husband is short tempered in private, how does he "return to normal"? Does he hide away somewhere for a while or is he with you and the children constantly?
Yes, I guess you may be right. I really think there is something that was not discovered and that could explain my frustration. I believe in the acting thing. I am quite sure of this. Too many situations where he was behaving rather weird. like adapting certain dialects when it fitted in the situations. Yes, I remember saying the children, you are so different! in certain situations where he adapted himself to certain people or certain situations. i am sure he is goodhearted.
Hmmm. Could perhaps be autistic outbursts. I get them myself.
Obviously we don't know your husband, but taken together, it does rather sound like ASD could be one valid explanation. I would suggest you get him to do the AQ and EQ tests.
It is certainly possible for someone who is undiagnosed to have learnt to play a role quite successfully. Work situations are often quite formulaic and you are with the same people - or perhaps in your husband's case, the same kind of people - over and over again. Essentially you are putting on a mask and acting, but this can be very tiring. One consequence might be becoming rather "numb" by the time you get home. Nothing will get done, because when the front door closes you are so shattered that you spend the weekend recovering.
If it is ASD and he's been undiagnosed for years like many of us, he might not even realise that this isn't how others go through life.