Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
Because of his total lack of empathy and after 25 years of marriage, I think my partner may have an autism disordre.
He is rather introvert when the conversation goes in a personal direction, never talks about personal things to me and he does not really register the things I say.
Now it feels as he has never registered anything I said (dreams, plans, wishes) in all this years.
When I talk him about a problem, he will come with a solution and sometimes there are no solutions. I cannot quit my job because of a mobbing issue f.i.
But I never got comfort or empathy. And I mean never in all this 25 years. He would rather leave the room and start shouting.
It seems to me that problems are a lot of stress for him. For the rest, he focusses at lot on this job but never talked to me about certain plans, family projects in the future etc. He just lives form one day to another. Likes to clean and to put all things in the right place at home. But is terrible in household administration. (has a degree in economics)
He has a high level sales manager who has not been at home a lot during all this years.
Sometimes I think that family was a lot of stress and this way he could get away for it all. The normal family life with ups and down, children laughing an fighting, crying..
Than on the other hand with other people he is rather social, he is not bad at small talk at all. He is key account manager so he has to do a lot of talking.
People say to me, your partner autistic? he is so social! Impossible.
So the talks a lot but never about himself and when we are together with friends. I miss depth in the conservations and he often tells the same stories from the past over and over again.
So my question is it possible to be that social and have an autistic disordre at the same time? At home he is a very serious guy with little needs or interests and less friendly with this own family than with other friends and people.
Thanks for your reaction
After your partner has been sociable somewhere, what happens? Does he need time on his own or maybe get a bit irritable and short-tempered for a while? Is he noticeably very tired?
Does the socialising mostly occur when alcohol is involved? Does he socialise just as well when totally sober?
At home he is rather silent and not talkative. When we have friends over, he is really very different, he is the perfect host. He can be short.-tempered a lot in private but never ever with other people outside the family.
For his job, as an manager in sales, he has to meet a lot of people. So he has to be social. It do not see a difference with or without alcohol.
But I always miss this personal touch, he will talk about politics, economics without a problem. He always adapts himself somehow to the people and the situation and that is why people like him.
But one of close friends, that we have known now for more than 15th years, asked me recently:
"your husband, does he talk to someone, does he have someone he can talk to"
In certain situations and with people we do not really know, he can act like someone that is unfamiliar to me, a different style of speaking, and I know that is not my husband. It feels more like pretending in order to meet the criteria in certain situations.
I" apparently have sudden outbursts at home, She has said why can you be like that to complete strangers but not like it with me, I am always seen as easy to get on with, Well of coarse I am,I give them what they expect."
Exactly, the same thing I say to my husband. Oh, yes and I think most people also see him as some easy to get on with. And his is. They get what they expect, the right replies. But at home so different. This shortness, anger. Sometime I think I am the trigger for his outbursts. Sometimes I tell a close friend about how he can act at home and than they say, really. I cannot imagine.
Why aren´t you angry at our friends? He said that there they are not doing anything wrong.
Good luck and thank you for helping me.
I would love a break...a time away to centre myself... as stephenharris says life can be @ real challenge but we mask so well and our voice gets stifled
Yes I now what you mean, No my husband has to take "forced vacation" every year in december because he was not able to take time off of during the year. I can very well imagine that taking a break could be necessary.
Just wanted to say after reading all of the questions and answers I know this man,I share so much, I really do, I thought my wife was writing it about me! It freaked me out, I actually asked her if she had!
I do however share my feelings at home,I struggle to explain them,I hold back,but when they come they come with intensity,I become overwhelmed at times and push away when I really want to pull, I reject comfort when I am feeling low, I just get frustrated when offered comforting,? I still don’t know why?,it causes a lot of misunderstanding with my wife, but emotions nonetheless.
I adapt to each and every person, it tires me out, I work outside,most jobs last a few days,so new people,new customers,I often feel totally run down appeasing others,
We work for a big concern mostly, I turn up at a new area, meet the guy in charge and instantly start telling them how little they are appreciated by the big bosses, (true) I know they are all less than happy about certain management things, so instant connection. I tell of previous areas I have worked and the struggles I see from there counterparts (true) I find out there niggles and empathise with them, why because I need them on side, they can stop my work,loose us the entire contract, and I enjoy allowing them to feel appreciated, I do appreciate the hard work they do, quite often going unnoticed.so I don’t actually lie or deceive, I couldn’t do that, it is not in my nature, yes I perform as It isn’t who I really am. I wouldn’t work so hard to gain there acceptance if I had a choice, I would just focus on my work,give it total ability from me,
I apparently have sudden outbursts at home, She has said why can you be like that to complete strangers but not like it with me, I am always seen as easy to get on with, Well of coarse I am,I give them what they expect.
I have been known to change my voice or accent,I did not realise it my wife pointed it out to me afterwards,
I don’t have any magic answers, I have many things to understand about myself, I am learning still,
I am sure he loves you all, he struggles to show it,pushes away instead of facing it, I do a bit,I also assume my love is a given understanding as I am still here working hard and doing everything I am supposed to,why should I keep telling someone the obvious?
You say his family do not show any emotion,maybe as a child he stopped crying as his parents convinced him it was a weakness,
If I think I have upset someone I feel so much pain,I do not show it,I hide it inside, I actually become more cold to cover my pain or emotions.
?
He has survived many years hiding his emotions, It keeps him from hurting,to accept and reveal would mean allowing pain and a belief he is weak, I don’t think he can accept less than perfect, To him with his upbringing it would mean failure and feeling very weak,broken,childlike.
I can only guess and offer my own experiences of my life, I have only in the last few months begun to be aware of my apparent weaknpoints or failures,
I am however able to accept them and try to change them, however I must still be myself, the true me, I believe I can co exhist but need understanding for who I am, I am not broken or wrong,just different way of thinking,
Take care,()
r-31.
v-173.
s-25.
15-01-2018.
01:35.
I wasn't mentioning it as a choice. I asked if you were prepared for potential outcomes.
Be careful what you wish for.
Good luck.
Thanks for your support but time off work, not, I do not think it would be possible.
Yes, I guess you may be right. I really think there is something that was not discovered and that could explain my frustration. I believe in the acting thing. I am quite sure of this. Too many situations where he was behaving rather weird. like adapting certain dialects when it fitted in the situations. Yes, I remember saying the children, you are so different! in certain situations where he adapted himself to certain people or certain situations. i am sure he is goodhearted.
Ok. Everything you've said could fit with him having learnt to play a social role because of his job. The awkwardness you describe when he meets unfamiliar people suggests he might be using logic to work out what he needs to do or say with this new individual.
The superficial conversations would also fit. He would be merely reusing his work skills to act his way through the social event.
Try reading that Maxine Ashton book (see link above), and let us know if you have any flashes of recognition.
Take care, and be careful how you approach the tests with your husband. If he has never taken ASD seriously, it is just possible you might suddenly get quite a lot of emotion. Are you prepared for him suddenly needing time off work, for instance?
Your are asking me a question I cannot respond to. Social events are mostly in the evenings. So after that you just go to bed. I never felt hat he was happier after an event. He returns to normal almost instantly, As i observe it there is nothing about running on adrenalin after social events. He will not be excited or something like that when we come home.
Hmmm. Could perhaps be autistic outbursts. I get them myself.
Obviously we don't know your husband, but taken together, it does rather sound like ASD could be one valid explanation. I would suggest you get him to do the AQ and EQ tests.
It is certainly possible for someone who is undiagnosed to have learnt to play a role quite successfully. Work situations are often quite formulaic and you are with the same people - or perhaps in your husband's case, the same kind of people - over and over again. Essentially you are putting on a mask and acting, but this can be very tiring. One consequence might be becoming rather "numb" by the time you get home. Nothing will get done, because when the front door closes you are so shattered that you spend the weekend recovering.
If it is ASD and he's been undiagnosed for years like many of us, he might not even realise that this isn't how others go through life.
He will not be short-tempered for hours. It is all about moments., seconds. He turns to normal always right away not realizing that he was short tempered, as if nothing happened
Can he only socialise with friends when alcohol (or equivalent substance) is present?
After he is done socialising with his friends, is he happier than before the event, or is there a pattern of him being more tired or irritable as a result (note: if he is naturally quiet, he might be running on adrenaline for up to two hours after socialising. I am therefore interested in how he is straight after the social event AND how he is two hours afterwards).
This friend asked this question because she noticed that my husband never tells personal things, never about himself and rather trivial things. He does not confide and even with me he does not really talk. it will all be like to more practical stuff we talk about.
What doe you mean? Yes, there will be alcohol, like a glass or wine or a beer
NAS36023 said:For his job, as an manager in sales, he has to meet a lot of people. So he has to be social. It do not see a difference with or without alcohol.
Okay, but if we put his job to one side for a moment, when he is socialising outside of work, with his own friends, what then?
NAS36023 said:"your husband, does he talk to someone, does he have someone he can talk to"
What do you think this means? Why might this question have been asked?
If your husband is short tempered in private, how does he "return to normal"? Does he hide away somewhere for a while or is he with you and the children constantly?