Bit of a ramble following another shutdown...

Starbuck said:

Yet again I have had another shutdown at work and have been sent home.

I was off work before Christmas due to the shutdowns and started to feel better after a few weeks.  I have only been back at work for just over 3 days and I have had another one.

What are the warning signs that you are going into a shut-down ~ or else what do you notice about having them?

I had to Learn how to recognise and deal with them at progressively earlier stages; as shut-downs for me often involve having seizures too, and reducing the causalities and extents of the shuts-downs ~ has reduced the intensity of the seizures, over the decades. I used to have the full on body bucklers but now I just have the mind muckers, so a vast improvement  from getting a battered mind 'and' a battered body.

I have more or less worked out how much stress and what types of stress result in what types of problems, and I keep them more to particular days and times in the week and less so to others. Not always successfully mind you, but I have got a general routine on the go and I am working it sort of more than it is working me these days. Yay!

Starbuck said:

As a result, I am now worrying about my security in my job and the prospect of finding another job in a similar role.  Since my shutdowns have become worse, the director of my department no longer speaks to me and I have yet to see the follow-up from occupational health.  My boss appears to be supportive, but I am aware I am bringing little value to the company at the moment.

May I suggest getting all Stoic and matter-of-fact 'factor ten' about it all as 'soon' as possible?

Resist and resist and resist worrying about things related to having shutdowns, resist worrying about them as much as possible as it is more effective and less draining in the long term, and involves less intense shut downs. So rather than worrying about them, be concerned about them instead, and get more to observe and pay attention to the particularities involved with when they are coming on and better as such managing them.

What for instance did you notice about the days leading up to the shut-down? What sorts of feelings and thoughts were you having  during them that could be indicators that the shut-down was on its way? And even if you are not sure or do not know ~ guess, and treat it all as a process of elimination. Learn from your mistakes and appreciate them as retakes rather than giving yourself grief for being a failure or worrying yourself out of being concerned about them.

Going into negativity nosedives will drag you down, so hold you up instead, and care for you, for that is befitting, and you are way more worth it anyway. Forget not that perhaps?

Deepthought said:

What are the warning signs that you are going into a shut-down ~ or else what do you notice about having them?

This is something I am currently trying to document as the last time I had shutdowns this frequently was probably 8 or more years ago.  

My partner has noticed I get more agitated, pace and I struggle with sleep.  Days before I also get a bad whirring tinnitus in my left ear and space out quite a bit.  In fact a colleague said I was looking 'glassy eyed' a lot.  I find processing and managing my thought patterns becomes very problematic as well.  Normally I am aware of catastrophic or anxious thoughts getting out of hand and I can manage them, but before a shutdown they go on overdrive and are too fast coming and intense to manage - hence my anxiety goes through the roof.

I will log these for future reference, but the one item I am struggling to recognise is the level or stress I can handle as this does seem to vary.  Some days I can handle situations, whereas other days I am ready to breakdown over the most stupid insignificant thing, that even my partner questions what the hell is going on.  The scale of tolerance seems to shift like a barometer, so there are obviously influences at play, I just haven't figured out what they are or how severe they impact on things.

Deepthought said:

I had to Learn how to recognise and deal with them at progressively earlier stages; as shut-downs for me often involve having seizures too, and reducing the causalities and extents of the shuts-downs ~ has reduced the intensity of the seizures, over the decades. I used to have the full on body bucklers but now I just have the mind muckers, so a vast improvement  from getting a battered mind 'and' a battered body.

I'm not sure if I have seizures like you experience.  The battered mind probably describes it better as I normally become despondent and withdraw from a situation.  I become non-verbal and my limbs become stiff and heavy, to the point I can't move in some cases.  I have had instances where my hands will twitch or shake, but I wouldn't class that as a seizure.  The whole thing leaves me incredibly exhausted for days and I know I am more susceptible to more following having one. I find my memory is awful afterwards as well and I stammer some of my words.

Deepthought said:

Not always successfully mind you, but I have got a general routine on the go and I am working it sort of more than it is working me these days. Yay!

That's reassuring to know as as I have mentioned previously, I haven't had them this bad for 8 years or more now so something has set them off, but it has now been going on for 2 years and they are getting worse and more frequent so I would like to gain better control of them.  If you find you are struggling to manage them or you feel one building up, how to you tackle them?  Do you rest or preoccupy yourself with your interests?

Deepthought said:

May I suggest getting all Stoic and matter-of-fact 'factor ten' about it all as 'soon' as possible?

Resist and resist and resist worrying about things related to having shutdowns, resist worrying about them as much as possible as it is more effective and less draining in the long term, and involves less intense shut downs. So rather than worrying about them, be concerned about them instead, and get more to observe and pay attention to the particularities involved with when they are coming on and better as such managing them.

Yes this post may have seemed like I was being over the top and I probably was, but when I hit these stages, my mind stays in fight or flight for some time.  It's only now after having some sleep, I feel in a better state to analyse what happened.  Prior to that, it's most likely a wasted effort, but I feel I desperately need help as I am so on edge at that moment in time.

I know shutdowns can't kill me or harm me, they just knock me about and screw me up for a few days.  My concern lies with their growing frequency and the impact it is having on my life and work.  I am always exhausted so struggle or can't do the things I love and I spend all my time recovering so I can be ready for work again.  It's a viscous cycle that I need to break and work are now concerned that I have had time off and can't seem to make it through a full week.  So in essence, my worry is driven from my employer in one sense and my lack of well-being from not being able to do the things I love as a result of the exhaustion.

I'll continue to log the signs and see if I can then take a step back further to see what might have led to that symptom being triggered, prior to a shutdown.  

Thanks for you help on the matter.

Starbuck said:

Deepthought said:

What are the warning signs that you are going into a shut-down ~ or else what do you notice about having them?

and:

Starbuck said:

This is something I am currently trying to document as the last time I had shutdowns this frequently was probably 8 or more years ago.  

My partner has noticed I get more agitated, pace and I struggle with sleep.

The 'agitated' thing is a result of hypertension, and the more hypertensive we get ~ the more agitated we become.

Learning to sense the hypertension more and the agitation less is key here ~ in the sense of feeling it rather than so much thinking about it, as thinking about it can only really be productive once we actually have an organised sense of what we are thinking about.

Feel the hypertension through emotionally and physically, and at other times, think it through or also let the thoughts come through more calmly, when more relaxed.

At high levels of hypertension, with agitation, frustration and all that, thinking doesn't involve thinking as such, in the sense that there is little going on that could be described as being rationally and sentimentally balanced (or conducive) thinking.

Instead, we get rather more what I refer to as 'thought-tracking' ~ which involves following reproductive and metabolic compulsions or impulses to do external things in order to survive; rather than doing internal things (i.e. just sensing and gently-deeply breathing our inner tensions through, which bit by bit processes and ameliorates them) in order to thrive ~ in terms of better thinking (and in bed sleeping ~ or if not resting).

Starbuck said:

My partner has noticed I get more agitated, pace and I struggle with sleep.  Days before I also get a bad whirring tinnitus in my left ear and space out quite a bit.  In fact a colleague said I was looking 'glassy eyed' a lot. 

In order to process the sensory data overload report that tinnitus is, do not listen to it directly itself, as it is a system bypass, such as a person telling you what someone else is unable to tell you because they are otherwise engaged, or compromised. Listen instead to the comparative quietness that is not the tinnitus and feel it, sense it, whilst gently and deeply breathing, as if your bladder and womb are you lungs, and your heart is your mouth.

Practice this perhaps whilst going to sleep, and after waking up before you actually get up in the morning. Doing this regularly or even consistently allows it (eventually once developed) to happen automatically when you start getting too tired and start shutting down, so that you can take appropriate action such as taking a break and so fourth ~ before things get beyond your remit.

Starbuck said:

I find processing and managing my thought patterns becomes very problematic as well.  Normally I am aware of catastrophic or anxious thoughts getting out of hand and I can manage them, but before a shutdown they go on overdrive and are too fast coming and intense to manage - hence my anxiety goes through the roof.

Like the tinnitus, these are warning signs to feel, to breath, and take a break or slow right down before you actually shut down. 

With the thought patterns ~ learn to pay attention to them more and process them less, as they need not to be managed so much, but rather more governed with either red lights, amber lights or green lights as cars are at road junctions. If you process or get too involved with them, they are in each case taken off line and back-ups come on line anyway, hence being left with a multitudinous deluge of them during anxiety and shut-downs ~ as being internally derived and personally driven stimulus.

Starbuck said:

I will log these for future reference, but the one item I am struggling to recognise is the level or stress I can handle as this does seem to vary.  Some days I can handle situations, whereas other days I am ready to breakdown over the most stupid insignificant thing, that even my partner questions what the hell is going on.  The scale of tolerance seems to shift like a barometer, so there are obviously influences at play, I just haven't figured out what they are or how severe they impact on things.

Try perhaps this link:

http://www.biorhythm-calculator.net/

Starbuck said:

I'm not sure if I have seizures like you experience.  The battered mind probably describes it better as I normally become despondent and withdraw from a situation.  I become non-verbal and my limbs become stiff and heavy, to the point I can't move in some cases.  I have had instances where my hands will twitch or shake, but I wouldn't class that as a seizure.  The whole thing leaves me incredibly exhausted for days and I know I am more susceptible to more following having one. I find my memory is awful afterwards as well and I stammer some of my words.

It sounds more like you are experiencing post traumatic shock symptoms more than seizures as such, perhaps, what with exhaustion, twitching, confusion and communication glitches  ~ which is pretty normal after being temporarily shocked or stunned by an overload session. My memory is awful afterwards as well, and I lose a lot of words and find I only have similar words or indirectly relevant words available, and stammering used to be a problem also, but I can adjust for that now as I recognise it as its about to happen.

Starbuck said:

I haven't had them this bad for 8 years or more now so something has set them off, but it has now been going on for 2 years and they are getting worse and more frequent so I would like to gain better control of them.

Might just perhaps the prelude and the aftermath of being diagnosed be a centre point for this two year getting worse thing, maybe?

In my case I was really really whacked for a similar duration of time, only a bit longer, but I was really really prepared for it (as I started studying psychology at the beginning of the nineties) ~ although I did have some of my worst 'mind-mucking' seizures ever and lost several months of memory. I even had a few body-bucklers as well!

Normally, most people whack-out to some extend for about a year or so (12 to 15 months) on a life-changer like a substantial diagnosis or bereavements etc, and although things might be a little tentative for a couple of years after the first, most people adjust relatively well as they suss it out singularly themselves, or collectively with others, such as we do and are doing here.

Starbuck said:

If you find you are struggling to manage them or you feel one building up, how to you tackle them?

Well as already  alluded to I have a set weekly activity schedule, with Thursday to Saturday being my busier days, and then Sunday to Wednesday being my least to more busier days. Things get scrubbed off the schedule when necessary, although it does get proper messed up during seasonal changes, but I have it completely habituated and hold to it relatively well, all things considered.

But as for 'tackling' them, absolutely and completely and utterly butterly not ~ long range missiles, bombers, jet-fighters, drones, sniper-rifles, mines or traps only!!! Avoid 'em at every opportunity and all costs. 

Starbuck said:

Do you rest or preoccupy yourself with your interests?

More seriously though, to recover from shut downs I watch DVD's of things that lift my spirits in whatever way, i.e. sci-fi to comedy etc, and just completely distract myself from feeling all big and confused, depressed, demoralised and all that state of affairs.

Conferring with others who are similarly experienced or qualified as such, helps too, such as you are finding, and a good bit of transcendental meditation to surf the proverbial smelly stuff rather than drown in it.

On the topic of transcendental meditation, and the tinnitus thing, if everything is starting to build up, and if you have some 'ear-bud' headphones ~ there are modulation frequency sounds (from single pitches, natural sounds to music) that you can listen to, and even interact with by gently humming if you fancy, in order to harmonise your psychologies, calm them down and get them all big and organised again (given a bit of time), via the following link:

https://mynoise.net/noiseMachines.php

Starbuck said:

Yes this post may have seemed like I was being over the top and I probably was, but when I hit these stages, my mind stays in fight or flight for some time.  It's only now after having some sleep, I feel in a better state to analyse what happened.  Prior to that, it's most likely a wasted effort, but I feel I desperately need help as I am so on edge at that moment in time.

I so know what you mean, but not in the sense of being over the top, as this is hefty stuff and needs must. I completely respect and utterly appreciate what you are going through ~ I've been dealing with this stuff myself for a few years short of five decades now, so I know where you're coming from on this and how hard it is.

Remember to respect your weaknesses and honour your strengths, and although analysis during crisis is sketchy, you were wise to seek council, and it seems you have found out some very useful information regarding your situation from the other replies.

You have done a service not only for yourself, but for others too who can also learn from our shared experiences and knowledge. Yay you and everyone else too, Yay! 

Starbuck said:

I know shutdowns can't kill me or harm me, they just knock me about and screw me up for a few days.  My concern lies with their growing frequency and the impact it is having on my life and work.  I am always exhausted so struggle or can't do the things I love and I spend all my time recovering so I can be ready for work again.  It's a viscous cycle that I need to break and work are now concerned that I have had time off and can't seem to make it through a full week.  So in essence, my worry is driven from my employer in one sense and my lack of well-being from not being able to do the things I love as a result of the exhaustion.

Resist, resist and resist worrying about anything at the moment, as you need by far more to be resting and recovering your energy in the present time in the current place ~ keep well away from contemplating anything to do with the future, as stressing about that is a waste of energy that you do not currently have to use elsewhere.

Keep your attention on you as you are and where you are ~ fullus stoppuss maximuss.

This is so so very important, for the love of life and all that you hold dear, keep your attention in the present where you are, physically, and as such rest and recuperate, and once you feel rested and recuperated, rest and recuperate some more.

Do not be fooled by a primary recovery as being a full recovery, you are in energetic debt and the interest payments must be met too.

Getting caught up in stressing about not being able to do this or that is not respecting your weaknesses, but wasting energy, and not as such honouring your strengths restricts your capacity to hold and store energy also. Set aside that malarkey right now perhaps, and respect your weaknesses and honour your strengths by looking after you without distraction, or deviation, and as such rest up buttercup!

Starbuck said:

I'll continue to log the signs and see if I can then take a step back further to see what might have led to that symptom being triggered, prior to a shutdown.  

Definitely a good use of energy, well worth the expenditure on that one!

Starbuck said:

Thanks for you help on the matter.

I am glad to have been of some service, and you are entirely welcome.

Starbuck said:

Deepthought said:

What are the warning signs that you are going into a shut-down ~ or else what do you notice about having them?

and:

Starbuck said:

This is something I am currently trying to document as the last time I had shutdowns this frequently was probably 8 or more years ago.  

My partner has noticed I get more agitated, pace and I struggle with sleep.

The 'agitated' thing is a result of hypertension, and the more hypertensive we get ~ the more agitated we become.

Learning to sense the hypertension more and the agitation less is key here ~ in the sense of feeling it rather than so much thinking about it, as thinking about it can only really be productive once we actually have an organised sense of what we are thinking about.

Feel the hypertension through emotionally and physically, and at other times, think it through or also let the thoughts come through more calmly, when more relaxed.

At high levels of hypertension, with agitation, frustration and all that, thinking doesn't involve thinking as such, in the sense that there is little going on that could be described as being rationally and sentimentally balanced (or conducive) thinking.

Instead, we get rather more what I refer to as 'thought-tracking' ~ which involves following reproductive and metabolic compulsions or impulses to do external things in order to survive; rather than doing internal things (i.e. just sensing and gently-deeply breathing our inner tensions through, which bit by bit processes and ameliorates them) in order to thrive ~ in terms of better thinking (and in bed sleeping ~ or if not resting).

Starbuck said:

My partner has noticed I get more agitated, pace and I struggle with sleep.  Days before I also get a bad whirring tinnitus in my left ear and space out quite a bit.  In fact a colleague said I was looking 'glassy eyed' a lot. 

In order to process the sensory data overload report that tinnitus is, do not listen to it directly itself, as it is a system bypass, such as a person telling you what someone else is unable to tell you because they are otherwise engaged, or compromised. Listen instead to the comparative quietness that is not the tinnitus and feel it, sense it, whilst gently and deeply breathing, as if your bladder and womb are you lungs, and your heart is your mouth.

Practice this perhaps whilst going to sleep, and after waking up before you actually get up in the morning. Doing this regularly or even consistently allows it (eventually once developed) to happen automatically when you start getting too tired and start shutting down, so that you can take appropriate action such as taking a break and so fourth ~ before things get beyond your remit.

Starbuck said:

I find processing and managing my thought patterns becomes very problematic as well.  Normally I am aware of catastrophic or anxious thoughts getting out of hand and I can manage them, but before a shutdown they go on overdrive and are too fast coming and intense to manage - hence my anxiety goes through the roof.

Like the tinnitus, these are warning signs to feel, to breath, and take a break or slow right down before you actually shut down. 

With the thought patterns ~ learn to pay attention to them more and process them less, as they need not to be managed so much, but rather more governed with either red lights, amber lights or green lights as cars are at road junctions. If you process or get too involved with them, they are in each case taken off line and back-ups come on line anyway, hence being left with a multitudinous deluge of them during anxiety and shut-downs ~ as being internally derived and personally driven stimulus.

Starbuck said:

I will log these for future reference, but the one item I am struggling to recognise is the level or stress I can handle as this does seem to vary.  Some days I can handle situations, whereas other days I am ready to breakdown over the most stupid insignificant thing, that even my partner questions what the hell is going on.  The scale of tolerance seems to shift like a barometer, so there are obviously influences at play, I just haven't figured out what they are or how severe they impact on things.

Try perhaps this link:

http://www.biorhythm-calculator.net/

Starbuck said:

I'm not sure if I have seizures like you experience.  The battered mind probably describes it better as I normally become despondent and withdraw from a situation.  I become non-verbal and my limbs become stiff and heavy, to the point I can't move in some cases.  I have had instances where my hands will twitch or shake, but I wouldn't class that as a seizure.  The whole thing leaves me incredibly exhausted for days and I know I am more susceptible to more following having one. I find my memory is awful afterwards as well and I stammer some of my words.

It sounds more like you are experiencing post traumatic shock symptoms more than seizures as such, perhaps, what with exhaustion, twitching, confusion and communication glitches  ~ which is pretty normal after being temporarily shocked or stunned by an overload session. My memory is awful afterwards as well, and I lose a lot of words and find I only have similar words or indirectly relevant words available, and stammering used to be a problem also, but I can adjust for that now as I recognise it as its about to happen.

Starbuck said:

I haven't had them this bad for 8 years or more now so something has set them off, but it has now been going on for 2 years and they are getting worse and more frequent so I would like to gain better control of them.

Might just perhaps the prelude and the aftermath of being diagnosed be a centre point for this two year getting worse thing, maybe?

In my case I was really really whacked for a similar duration of time, only a bit longer, but I was really really prepared for it (as I started studying psychology at the beginning of the nineties) ~ although I did have some of my worst 'mind-mucking' seizures ever and lost several months of memory. I even had a few body-bucklers as well!

Normally, most people whack-out to some extend for about a year or so (12 to 15 months) on a life-changer like a substantial diagnosis or bereavements etc, and although things might be a little tentative for a couple of years after the first, most people adjust relatively well as they suss it out singularly themselves, or collectively with others, such as we do and are doing here.

Starbuck said:

If you find you are struggling to manage them or you feel one building up, how to you tackle them?

Well as already  alluded to I have a set weekly activity schedule, with Thursday to Saturday being my busier days, and then Sunday to Wednesday being my least to more busier days. Things get scrubbed off the schedule when necessary, although it does get proper messed up during seasonal changes, but I have it completely habituated and hold to it relatively well, all things considered.

But as for 'tackling' them, absolutely and completely and utterly butterly not ~ long range missiles, bombers, jet-fighters, drones, sniper-rifles, mines or traps only!!! Avoid 'em at every opportunity and all costs. 

Starbuck said:

Do you rest or preoccupy yourself with your interests?

More seriously though, to recover from shut downs I watch DVD's of things that lift my spirits in whatever way, i.e. sci-fi to comedy etc, and just completely distract myself from feeling all big and confused, depressed, demoralised and all that state of affairs.

Conferring with others who are similarly experienced or qualified as such, helps too, such as you are finding, and a good bit of transcendental meditation to surf the proverbial smelly stuff rather than drown in it.

On the topic of transcendental meditation, and the tinnitus thing, if everything is starting to build up, and if you have some 'ear-bud' headphones ~ there are modulation frequency sounds (from single pitches, natural sounds to music) that you can listen to, and even interact with by gently humming if you fancy, in order to harmonise your psychologies, calm them down and get them all big and organised again (given a bit of time), via the following link:

https://mynoise.net/noiseMachines.php

Starbuck said:

Yes this post may have seemed like I was being over the top and I probably was, but when I hit these stages, my mind stays in fight or flight for some time.  It's only now after having some sleep, I feel in a better state to analyse what happened.  Prior to that, it's most likely a wasted effort, but I feel I desperately need help as I am so on edge at that moment in time.

I so know what you mean, but not in the sense of being over the top, as this is hefty stuff and needs must. I completely respect and utterly appreciate what you are going through ~ I've been dealing with this stuff myself for a few years short of five decades now, so I know where you're coming from on this and how hard it is.

Remember to respect your weaknesses and honour your strengths, and although analysis during crisis is sketchy, you were wise to seek council, and it seems you have found out some very useful information regarding your situation from the other replies.

You have done a service not only for yourself, but for others too who can also learn from our shared experiences and knowledge. Yay you and everyone else too, Yay! 

Starbuck said:

I know shutdowns can't kill me or harm me, they just knock me about and screw me up for a few days.  My concern lies with their growing frequency and the impact it is having on my life and work.  I am always exhausted so struggle or can't do the things I love and I spend all my time recovering so I can be ready for work again.  It's a viscous cycle that I need to break and work are now concerned that I have had time off and can't seem to make it through a full week.  So in essence, my worry is driven from my employer in one sense and my lack of well-being from not being able to do the things I love as a result of the exhaustion.

Resist, resist and resist worrying about anything at the moment, as you need by far more to be resting and recovering your energy in the present time in the current place ~ keep well away from contemplating anything to do with the future, as stressing about that is a waste of energy that you do not currently have to use elsewhere.

Keep your attention on you as you are and where you are ~ fullus stoppuss maximuss.

This is so so very important, for the love of life and all that you hold dear, keep your attention in the present where you are, physically, and as such rest and recuperate, and once you feel rested and recuperated, rest and recuperate some more.

Do not be fooled by a primary recovery as being a full recovery, you are in energetic debt and the interest payments must be met too.

Getting caught up in stressing about not being able to do this or that is not respecting your weaknesses, but wasting energy, and not as such honouring your strengths restricts your capacity to hold and store energy also. Set aside that malarkey right now perhaps, and respect your weaknesses and honour your strengths by looking after you without distraction, or deviation, and as such rest up buttercup!

Starbuck said:

I'll continue to log the signs and see if I can then take a step back further to see what might have led to that symptom being triggered, prior to a shutdown.  

Definitely a good use of energy, well worth the expenditure on that one!

Starbuck said:

Thanks for you help on the matter.

I am glad to have been of some service, and you are entirely welcome.

I have also started using an ap, called Daylio and it’s been of great benefit. My moods just before (I only actually got it at that point) and all through the Christmas period, we’re all over the place like crazy. I thought I wasn’t noticing a pattern, how could I, it was crazy. But now that period has passed, my moods have stabilised considerably. I am still requiring lots of rest and lots of old black and white films off YouTube, but the ap made me see clearly, just how stressful christmas is for me. 

I can also relate fully to everything Deepthought expressed. I’m still working this out, but fortunately, I can thank the exhaustion, because it’s forcing me to slow down, and just be. However that might be, at any given moment. I fortunately haven’t got full time work to contend with, but I am trying to get back into my online job. I haven’t even put in any new ‘holiday’ days, but other things, like resting when I need to, are taking priority just now. Keep going. You’re doing better than you think, 

P.S. Check perhaps also the following thread on this site via this link:

http://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/11277/hi-i-m-new-here-does-anyone-relate-to-what-i-am-sharing-in-this-thread/58213#58213

If you have any questions, feel entirely free to ask them.

Have a good one, and many many more.