Published on 12, July, 2020
Yet again I have had another shutdown at work and have been sent home.
I was off work before Christmas due to the shutdowns and started to feel better after a few weeks. I have only been back at work for just over 3 days and I have had another one.
As a result, I am now worrying about my security in my job and the prospect of finding another job in a similar role. Since my shutdowns have become worse, the director of my department no longer speaks to me and I have yet to see the follow-up from occupational health. My boss appears to be supportive, but I am aware I am bringing little value to the company at the moment.
My confidence is currently really low and I am frustrated I can't manage things better. There seems to be no help and support as I am considered to be very HF and so don't qualify for adjustments, support, guidance etc.
I was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and whether you manage to get the help and support you need?
I am worried about my employment as I have a hefty mortgage to pay with no financial support from family etc. I can't afford to lose my job as I have been down this route before and ended up being homeless.
Sorry for ramblings and lack of cohesion, my anxiety is very high and I still haven't recovered properly.
Starbuck said:Yet again I have had another shutdown at work and have been sent home.I was off work before Christmas due to the shutdowns and started to feel better after a few weeks. I have only been back at work for just over 3 days and I have had another one.
What are the warning signs that you are going into a shut-down ~ or else what do you notice about having them?
I had to Learn how to recognise and deal with them at progressively earlier stages; as shut-downs for me often involve having seizures too, and reducing the causalities and extents of the shuts-downs ~ has reduced the intensity of the seizures, over the decades. I used to have the full on body bucklers but now I just have the mind muckers, so a vast improvement from getting a battered mind 'and' a battered body.
I have more or less worked out how much stress and what types of stress result in what types of problems, and I keep them more to particular days and times in the week and less so to others. Not always successfully mind you, but I have got a general routine on the go and I am working it sort of more than it is working me these days. Yay!
Starbuck said:As a result, I am now worrying about my security in my job and the prospect of finding another job in a similar role. Since my shutdowns have become worse, the director of my department no longer speaks to me and I have yet to see the follow-up from occupational health. My boss appears to be supportive, but I am aware I am bringing little value to the company at the moment.
May I suggest getting all Stoic and matter-of-fact 'factor ten' about it all as 'soon' as possible?
Resist and resist and resist worrying about things related to having shutdowns, resist worrying about them as much as possible as it is more effective and less draining in the long term, and involves less intense shut downs. So rather than worrying about them, be concerned about them instead, and get more to observe and pay attention to the particularities involved with when they are coming on and better as such managing them.
What for instance did you notice about the days leading up to the shut-down? What sorts of feelings and thoughts were you having during them that could be indicators that the shut-down was on its way? And even if you are not sure or do not know ~ guess, and treat it all as a process of elimination. Learn from your mistakes and appreciate them as retakes rather than giving yourself grief for being a failure or worrying yourself out of being concerned about them.
Going into negativity nosedives will drag you down, so hold you up instead, and care for you, for that is befitting, and you are way more worth it anyway. Forget not that perhaps?
Deepthought said:What are the warning signs that you are going into a shut-down ~ or else what do you notice about having them?
This is something I am currently trying to document as the last time I had shutdowns this frequently was probably 8 or more years ago.
My partner has noticed I get more agitated, pace and I struggle with sleep. Days before I also get a bad whirring tinnitus in my left ear and space out quite a bit. In fact a colleague said I was looking 'glassy eyed' a lot. I find processing and managing my thought patterns becomes very problematic as well. Normally I am aware of catastrophic or anxious thoughts getting out of hand and I can manage them, but before a shutdown they go on overdrive and are too fast coming and intense to manage - hence my anxiety goes through the roof.
I will log these for future reference, but the one item I am struggling to recognise is the level or stress I can handle as this does seem to vary. Some days I can handle situations, whereas other days I am ready to breakdown over the most stupid insignificant thing, that even my partner questions what the hell is going on. The scale of tolerance seems to shift like a barometer, so there are obviously influences at play, I just haven't figured out what they are or how severe they impact on things.
Deepthought said:I had to Learn how to recognise and deal with them at progressively earlier stages; as shut-downs for me often involve having seizures too, and reducing the causalities and extents of the shuts-downs ~ has reduced the intensity of the seizures, over the decades. I used to have the full on body bucklers but now I just have the mind muckers, so a vast improvement from getting a battered mind 'and' a battered body.
I'm not sure if I have seizures like you experience. The battered mind probably describes it better as I normally become despondent and withdraw from a situation. I become non-verbal and my limbs become stiff and heavy, to the point I can't move in some cases. I have had instances where my hands will twitch or shake, but I wouldn't class that as a seizure. The whole thing leaves me incredibly exhausted for days and I know I am more susceptible to more following having one. I find my memory is awful afterwards as well and I stammer some of my words.
Deepthought said:Not always successfully mind you, but I have got a general routine on the go and I am working it sort of more than it is working me these days. Yay!
That's reassuring to know as as I have mentioned previously, I haven't had them this bad for 8 years or more now so something has set them off, but it has now been going on for 2 years and they are getting worse and more frequent so I would like to gain better control of them. If you find you are struggling to manage them or you feel one building up, how to you tackle them? Do you rest or preoccupy yourself with your interests?
Deepthought said:
Yes this post may have seemed like I was being over the top and I probably was, but when I hit these stages, my mind stays in fight or flight for some time. It's only now after having some sleep, I feel in a better state to analyse what happened. Prior to that, it's most likely a wasted effort, but I feel I desperately need help as I am so on edge at that moment in time.
I know shutdowns can't kill me or harm me, they just knock me about and screw me up for a few days. My concern lies with their growing frequency and the impact it is having on my life and work. I am always exhausted so struggle or can't do the things I love and I spend all my time recovering so I can be ready for work again. It's a viscous cycle that I need to break and work are now concerned that I have had time off and can't seem to make it through a full week. So in essence, my worry is driven from my employer in one sense and my lack of well-being from not being able to do the things I love as a result of the exhaustion.
I'll continue to log the signs and see if I can then take a step back further to see what might have led to that symptom being triggered, prior to a shutdown.
Thanks for you help on the matter.