Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone!
It's the time of year when my family start asking me what my plans for Christmas are. I'm an adult who was diagnosed a few years ago. My family tend to get together with lots of people in one house on Christmas day. I always find this difficult to deal with. The last time I attended this celebration, I couldn't eat and I spend the day crying and hiding sat on the floor in a corner of the kitchen.
So what's the problem?
Only a few very close members of my family know that I have autism. On the day I received my diagnosis, I was told by my mother not to tell members of my family. Since then, the reaction of those who do know seems to be to pretend I am not autistic and I feel a lot of pressure to 'act normal'. I think people feel very awkward about it and don't know how to respond but it makes me feel like its considered something shameful. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am. I can't stand people touching me and I've caused problems at family gatherings before by having a strong negative reaction to hugs, kisses and the like. I hate not being able to explain why I behave the way I do and I feel very isolated from my family.
So back to Christmas.
I don't want to make plans for Christmas, I just want to spend the day at home with my partner (who is the most amazingly supportive person in the world) but I don't know how to tell my family that I can't handle our big family get-together. I would also like to get more involved in family gatherings around the festive season but there's so much pressure to hide my autism.
Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the stress of Christmas or how to deal with a family who don't know about autism?
Thanks for reading my long post, I'd love to hear your experiences.
I sympathise with your situation. I've never really been one for big family Christmases. For the last 20 years, I've spent Christmas Day with my mother - just her and me. My brother and his wife, who I'm estranged from, usually do their own thing with her family. Last Christmas was mum's last (she passed away in April after a long illness, which I nursed her through), so this year I've told everyone in the family that I'm simply not doing Christmas at all. It'll just be me at home with my cat. Quiet and unstressful, as I like it.
Everyone seems to be respectful of my decision. All of my family know about my autism - which isn't to say that they understand it much. Above all, it can be difficult - as you know - to get them to understand why I don't want to see people, why I don't want to be involved in special plans. They think it's all about being reclusive and anti-social. I work with autistic people, and all of my colleagues therefore are trained in dealing with autistic behaviours. They all know I'm an Aspie, too. Still, though, I get asked questions which demonstrate a lack of understanding. 'Don't you ever get lonely? Don't you want friends? Don't you feel you're missing out by not being in a relationship?' etc.
I don't know what advice to offer you. Maybe you could say that you've both decided to go out together on that day. Part of the problem, of course, is this expectation that you'll want to be with your family - because why wouldn't you, unless you didn't like them? Because it's Christmas - a time for families. It's a nonsense, really. In my experience, Christmas is often a time - when people feel morally forced to be together, and they've perhaps had too much tongue-loosening drink - when family tensions can reach a limit and break. I used to work on the divorce section of a county court. It was always an eye-opener to me, that first week of the new year. It was one of our peak times for the submission of divorce petitions! Quite revealing, I always thought!
Sorry I can't really help. I hope you manage to negotiate it all without too much heartbreak or misunderstanding. Humans being humans, though, there's always someone who will likely get upset. If you're like me, you try hard to please all of the people all of the time - which usually means not pleasing yourself!
Take care.
Tom