Christmas - Dealing with family expectations

I hear you. I am already working out my escape plan for Christmas day with the in-laws. Noise, bright lights, too many conversations that I can't follow, people expecting me to have big reactions when opening pressies (they insist on watching for this reason but it never happens as I struggle to pretend to be excited). Even the annual lengthy discussion about dessert and why I don't want any.

Have done allsorts to find a way to enjoy it. Hosted it myself, gone on holiday (oh but you'll miss christmas, we'll do another one when you get back....great!!!). Gone in separate cars so I could arrive later (was expected to stay later so no better), insisted on walking the dogs post dinner (ooh great idea, we'll all come), etc.

It's the main thing about not having a diagnosis for me. I don't feel I can tell people. My partner knows and agreed straight away with the self diagnosis. But other family members won't agree without a doctor's diagnosis. If I had the diagnosis I would definitely tell family, tell them what that means, explain why chrismas day is difficult and then make suggestions of how we could enjoy it together. If that meant I was only there for part of it but was relatively happy I'd like to think that family are ok with that. An advantage for them is that I would probably volunteer to do all the washing up on condition that no one stood with me "to keep me company".

The thing is I don't know your family. So only you can decide whether and what to tell them. I've read the other posts and I agree that you'd have to think why does your mother want you not to say something. If I were guessing it would be because it makes everyone else's lives easier. But at the expense of your happiness. It's November and you're already thinking about this.

You said some family members know but pretend you're not autistic. Perhaps you're like me and have become so good at pretending they don't realise how difficult it is. Could you talk to them individually to give them some ideas of how it is for you between now and Christmas. Remember their perception of life may differ from yours so they won't be able to guess without you telling them.

Good luck

I sympathise with your situation.  I've never really been one for big family Christmases.  For the last 20 years, I've spent Christmas Day with my mother - just her and me.  My brother and his wife, who I'm estranged from, usually do their own thing with her family.  Last Christmas was mum's last (she passed away in April after a long illness, which I nursed her through), so this year I've told everyone in the family that I'm simply not doing Christmas at all.  It'll just be me at home with my cat.  Quiet and unstressful, as I like it.

Everyone seems to be respectful of my decision.  All of my family know about my autism - which isn't to say that they understand it much.  Above all, it can be difficult - as you know - to get them to understand why I don't want to see people, why I don't want to be involved in special plans.  They think it's all about being reclusive and anti-social.  I work with autistic people, and all of my colleagues therefore are trained in dealing with autistic behaviours.  They all know I'm an Aspie, too.  Still, though, I get asked questions which demonstrate a lack of understanding.  'Don't you ever get lonely?  Don't you want friends?  Don't you feel you're missing out by not being in a relationship?' etc.

I don't know what advice to offer you.  Maybe you could say that you've both decided to go out together on that day.  Part of the problem, of course, is this expectation that you'll want to be with your family - because why wouldn't you, unless you didn't like them?  Because it's Christmas - a time for families.  It's a nonsense, really.  In my experience, Christmas is often a time - when people feel morally forced to be together, and they've perhaps had too much tongue-loosening drink - when family tensions can reach a limit and break.  I used to work on the divorce section of a county court.  It was always an eye-opener to me, that first week of the new year.  It was one of our peak times for the submission of divorce petitions!  Quite revealing, I always thought!

Sorry I can't really help.  I hope you manage to negotiate it all without too much heartbreak or misunderstanding.  Humans being humans, though, there's always someone who will likely get upset.  If you're like me, you try hard to please all of the people all of the time - which usually means not pleasing yourself!

Take care.

Tom

I agree. I would question your mother's advice. Family is about compromise and understanding. Living with other people in a house can be difficult because you all have your own wants and needs, and sometimes they don't mix so you all need to compromise to keep the family running in harmony.

This is the same at family events. It's not for you to fit in with everyone else, it's for you all to compromise together so that you can all fit in together. Telling your family about your autism is your choice and no-one else's. I imagine your mother not wanting other people to know is a fear-based reaction, and you might find that your family are more understanding than she thinks they are - some good may come of it. But, you know your family better than I do. It might be important to give them the chance to 'accept' your autism, and they might surprise you.

Think about what your needs are, what you struggle with, and discuss with your mother or family how you can come to a compromise so that your needs are met too. It's unfair to ask anyone to go to an event if their needs aren't going to be met there, at least partially.

Relate have a wonderful page about setting expectations at Christmas for gatherings, I really think this would benefit if you went through this with your mother or with the host:

https://www.relate.org.uk/blog/2014/12/09/6-tips-stress-free-christmas

It's not written specifically for people with autism but it reads like it could have been!

Additionally, it might help if you introduced the topic of autism, if you think they don't know about it. If you describe what it is to people in your family, and how it affects people, and how families support people with autism, they would understand it better and it would probably 'click' for them exactly why great uncle Roger was like the way he was, and also cousin Jeffrey, and oh isn't it like you too? Autism isn't a thing to be scared of, and it will probably help your family put it into a better light once they realise the other older quirky members of your family with it - now they have a reason for their 'odd' behaviour!

Hope that helps.

Hi, I have a 19 year old son with Autism who fortunately likes family gatherings now but he too never used to enjoy Christmas. He did not like opening presents in front of people and this is probably because people expect a reaction and with autism it is harder to express emotions. He would hide away in other rooms and it would take him 2 days to open all his presents. We allowed him to take his presents off in another room and open them without the fuss because that’s how he enjoyed it. You need to explain to all your family that you have been diagnosed with autism, this will give them a greater understanding of why you struggle with displays of affection like hugging, they will be more understanding than you think and will accept it. Hope you have a nice Christmas. There is nothing to be ashamed of lots of great people had autism. Also remember exposure is the key to doing things you don’t like but you have to do it step by step not forced to participate, take care. 

Liri said:

I'll try sending out cards to everyone, thanks! 

An attempt at humour here towards being slightly rebellious ~ buy your cards from the NAS!

Do you think NAS would cut out the label  

You can even buy a meltdown! What are the gift wrap options? 

Love it x....shall we all wear one on Xmas day! Do you think the moderators could organise a bulk buy discount! 

This links into the other threads of buying autistic behaviour and removing labels and tags from clothes.

You can buy almost anything on the net.

Oh yes I really want one of those badges.

and I have added the other item as a watched item Lol.

Is there a hidden message attached to it? Joke.

now to think? What would ellie like?,,,,,,,haven’t a clue,,,,but I am sure it will be something out of the ordinary, to suit my alternative mind Lol.

They don’t call it natural selection for nothing! 

Lol

christmas pin badge sorted

I wasn’t  naughty Santa....! 

Hey...with the buy a meltdown thread...I thought we could do an autism appropriate virtual secret Santa.....I.e I email you a link to what I think I would have been a suitable gift....

for you..,a tool project

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/ROBERT-WELCH-FLY-PRESS-CAST-IRON-NUT-CRACKER-Vintage/263316325322?hash=item3d4ee043ca:g:lfAAAOSwbwJaB32M

For instance

capers123 said:

apart from New Years Eve, when, from dusk, it sounds as if WW1 has re-started

That's what I can't stand about that time in Germany... Especially close-ish to the Czech border where lots of people buy fireworks with huge amounts of black powder (they are illegal for a reason but there are still enough idiots using them)

Ellie please come here if you get any chance during kitchen time,I know it won’t stop the guests but if you can then I will be on here,maybe a few others as well! We all need to escape,especially when surrounded by visitors just rambling on with small talk.

christmas is stressful for me and I won’t be having as many guests as you.()

same to you capers 123, and Lori, in fact let’s have Christmas here,

I’m dreading it already.....but it is partly my own fault as tge invited Christmas guests don’t know of my label...

i am expecting guests for Xmas eve and day...a household of 8 on Boxing Day and a household of 9 the day after...I am also good at hiding in the kitchen.....but this is not just going to about getting through one day! 

Arrrrrrrgh! 

:) 

We 'hold' Christmas at our house, so mother-in-law comes on Christmas day (as did my mother and friend when they were alive) and Father-in-law on Christmas Eve.  The children will tend to 'entertain' them and my wife stays in the room with them.

I simply cook.  I like cooking.  We have a narrow kitchen which makes it difficult to have more than one person working at the same time.  I can listen to the radio if I wish (3pm, Christmas Eve, Carols from Kings, whilst kneeding bread for rolls for dinner).  I can have a G&T or can of Pepsi Max on the side.  And I do need to concentrate on it - all vegetarian apart from one vegan, but one person doesn't like dried fruit, mushrooms, peas or creamy, another doesn't like onions or garlic...  I have to come up with several variants.

Everyone gets fed on time and seem to like the food, and I have an excuse for not socialising most of the time.

In the past we have gone to Center Parcs in the Netherlands for Christmas, just with daughters.  It started the year after our first daughter was born then died over the festive perios and we wanted to get away from British families and the Dutch celebrations are different.  Also we could just lock ourselves away and watch foreign TV without people calling round.

When we went with the children, although there were a few UK people at the parks, it just felt much calmer than the UK (apart from New Years Eve, when, from dusk, it sounds as if WW1 has re-started.

...Imagine if you were instead confined to a wheelchair, and every Christmas, they ignored that and invited you to a Tap-dancing contest?

What a a perfect way to sum up autism!

i also find Christmas and family a challenge....ooooh and life

I think I'll try this. They do live quite a long way away but I'll put up with the traveling to see people on my own terms. Thank you! 

Thanks for your message. I like that tap dancing metaphor, it does seem as impossible as that sometimes. Unfortunately if I go to the family gathering, my partner can't go with me. I'll try sending out cards to everyone, thanks!