Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone!
It's the time of year when my family start asking me what my plans for Christmas are. I'm an adult who was diagnosed a few years ago. My family tend to get together with lots of people in one house on Christmas day. I always find this difficult to deal with. The last time I attended this celebration, I couldn't eat and I spend the day crying and hiding sat on the floor in a corner of the kitchen.
So what's the problem?
Only a few very close members of my family know that I have autism. On the day I received my diagnosis, I was told by my mother not to tell members of my family. Since then, the reaction of those who do know seems to be to pretend I am not autistic and I feel a lot of pressure to 'act normal'. I think people feel very awkward about it and don't know how to respond but it makes me feel like its considered something shameful. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am. I can't stand people touching me and I've caused problems at family gatherings before by having a strong negative reaction to hugs, kisses and the like. I hate not being able to explain why I behave the way I do and I feel very isolated from my family.
So back to Christmas.
I don't want to make plans for Christmas, I just want to spend the day at home with my partner (who is the most amazingly supportive person in the world) but I don't know how to tell my family that I can't handle our big family get-together. I would also like to get more involved in family gatherings around the festive season but there's so much pressure to hide my autism.
Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the stress of Christmas or how to deal with a family who don't know about autism?
Thanks for reading my long post, I'd love to hear your experiences.
Hi, I have a 19 year old son with Autism who fortunately likes family gatherings now but he too never used to enjoy Christmas. He did not like opening presents in front of people and this is probably because people expect a reaction and with autism it is harder to express emotions. He would hide away in other rooms and it would take him 2 days to open all his presents. We allowed him to take his presents off in another room and open them without the fuss because that’s how he enjoyed it. You need to explain to all your family that you have been diagnosed with autism, this will give them a greater understanding of why you struggle with displays of affection like hugging, they will be more understanding than you think and will accept it. Hope you have a nice Christmas. There is nothing to be ashamed of lots of great people had autism. Also remember exposure is the key to doing things you don’t like but you have to do it step by step not forced to participate, take care.
I agree. I would question your mother's advice. Family is about compromise and understanding. Living with other people in a house can be difficult because you all have your own wants and needs, and sometimes they don't mix so you all need to compromise to keep the family running in harmony.
This is the same at family events. It's not for you to fit in with everyone else, it's for you all to compromise together so that you can all fit in together. Telling your family about your autism is your choice and no-one else's. I imagine your mother not wanting other people to know is a fear-based reaction, and you might find that your family are more understanding than she thinks they are - some good may come of it. But, you know your family better than I do. It might be important to give them the chance to 'accept' your autism, and they might surprise you.
Think about what your needs are, what you struggle with, and discuss with your mother or family how you can come to a compromise so that your needs are met too. It's unfair to ask anyone to go to an event if their needs aren't going to be met there, at least partially.
Relate have a wonderful page about setting expectations at Christmas for gatherings, I really think this would benefit if you went through this with your mother or with the host:
https://www.relate.org.uk/blog/2014/12/09/6-tips-stress-free-christmas
It's not written specifically for people with autism but it reads like it could have been!
Additionally, it might help if you introduced the topic of autism, if you think they don't know about it. If you describe what it is to people in your family, and how it affects people, and how families support people with autism, they would understand it better and it would probably 'click' for them exactly why great uncle Roger was like the way he was, and also cousin Jeffrey, and oh isn't it like you too? Autism isn't a thing to be scared of, and it will probably help your family put it into a better light once they realise the other older quirky members of your family with it - now they have a reason for their 'odd' behaviour!
Hope that helps.