I can't love my daughter

I just wonder, if with the appropriate intervention Neurotypical parents can learn to understand their Neurodiverse children better. Maybe help the child to communicate in a more effective way hopefully have the good and loving relationship they should have. 

Is this less to do with the child being Neurodiverse and the parent being Neurotypical. More to do with the lack of outside help, (therapies, other support) for the children and their families? 

No. Just no.

How does this woman think that putting this on a forum largely used by actually Autistic people will make us feel? And they say that we lack empathy!

I'm a primary school teacher - and an Autistic adult - and if a parent came to me going on like this, I think I'd inform safeguarding, for their sake and the child's.

As others have said, your children don't owe you anything, but you owe them everything. You made the decision to bring up kids. Having children is a privilege - it's a struggle, I don't deny that, but it's first and foremost a privilege. There are people desperate to become parents who can't for a multitude of reasons. Children are human beings, not toys - they aren't there for your entertainment or your gain. If your child has needs, you need to meet them. If your child has challenges, you need to help them face those challenges. If you can't, get support, get educated. Too much is at stake. Grow up and do what's best for your child. No one said it would be easy.

I'm sure I'll be told that I'm nasty as I was with a somewhat similar post a few months back, but I am tired of sugar coating. This isn't 'brave'. This is ableism towards a child, plain and simple.

OMG, I feel sorry for the poor girl. She deserves a better mother.

I will add this was in a big shopping centre, probably one of the worst places for someone with possible SPD 

Since trying to learn more about ASD and related conditions, when I see a child having a meltdown, I think they could be having sensory or communication issues. I did once witness several years ago a boy who had Special Needs, he was clearly distressed but his Mum just kept smacking him and calling him horrible. Thinking back he could have had Sensory Overload. You could see that no one would intervene but I guess she’d say, his not your child, you don’t know what it’s like 

I read the post above yours Juniper, and that could have been my parents writing that one.

My dad paid me the immense compliment when I was forty after I'd done a nice thing for a disadvantaged looking person that "Until now, I never any any good in you"...

You are very possibly right. I gave my kid the childhood I didn't have, and she is having a much easier time of it, and has quite some control over her life compared to myself at that age..

Most people had trouble with me as a kid but some people didn't. They just seemed to be able to get the best out of me without doing the screaming.

While there's a lot here, if anyone is reading this and feels the same, find someone else who will take your kid - Immediately.

Find another autistic adult who will be MORE than happy to let them stay over. We can be some of the most decent and reliable humans - were actually hired for our innate qualities of trustworthiness and loyalty. Drop everything and find someone who can communicate with and care about and help your kid become their best selves, because I guarantee we absolutely Will Not become everything we're meant to around certain types of NeuroTypical parents. Find a relative who's autistic. It might be your in-laws which you for some reason you "can't put your finger on", despise. Most likely, what you're repelled by is what makes us beautifully and wonderfully Autistic. But it doesn't 'fit in' to what is currently considered 'normal'. 

If this post is you, LET. GO. You'll do more harm than good if you have little idea of how they perceive and understand the world. It's far better for everyone to have a distant ideal than a present nightmare. 

I've had 28 years of mainly hell with my autistic son, peppered with little glimpses of happiness. He's now moved out. Thank god. He's caused my family stress on a unimaginable scale. Upset, heartache. I've done everything to support him through the years and for what. To be treat like utter ***. We may live our autistic kids but I hate autism. The lines get blurred. 

Agreed 100%. Still, castigating them as parents doesn't solve their family problem...

And they are part-right

Being Autistic is a condition that makes the Autist annoyed at the world and the (NT) world annoyed at the Autiists. It can indeed be hard to love people like us. The forum is full of such evidence.

I'm quite certain that getting annoyed about their situation isn't going to reduce the overall levels of angst. 

I'm going to think about this a bit... There must be something they can do to make this a bit better.

It may seem that your Son is deliberately disrespecting you and hurting you and if another child who wasn’t mine lashed out at me I would think horrible little brat! but with your own child you can try to work out why they lash out. You get to know their triggers then hopefully work out strategies to help them or ask for help. Often they just want to be understood and loved and this is their way of asking for it, I hope you got the help you need for you and your Son

With my son if I could wave a magic wand and take away the traits that cause endless stress and worry, that mean we can’t always enjoy outings as much as others and be like a typical family I would. Then I see all the things I love about him even some of his Autistic quirks, the happy times we have and this tells me why I love him unconditionally. I let him know how proud I am of him with every little achievement however small I praise him. It’s possibly worth finding a therapist with an interest or understanding in Autism to talk to.

This post has made my blood boil. 
Children are not ‘meant to bring you joy’. Children are not meant to ‘make you feel proud’. Children don’t owe you anything but you owe them everything as you’re the one who decided to bring them into this world. They did not decide to appear. 

It has to be hard if you are not getting what you need from your daughter the connection have you considered her to try ABA therapy for the daughter. Here is a documentary please watch it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g71FXJA0C6I

Also don't go on antidepressents they will ruin you i know first hand you will turn into a braindead zombie

Hi NAS73298, I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment. You may find it useful to contact our Parent to Parent service, which offers emotional support and can direct you to appropriate services for information and advice. This service is confidential and run by trained parent volunteers who are all parents themselves of a child or adult with autism.

You contact the team on 0808 800 4106. Please leave a message and the team will call you back as soon as possible at a time that suits you, including evenings and weekends. Alternatively you can use contact the team via web form: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/parent-to-parent

I hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Anna Mod

Is there an autism charity you can contact near you? It sounds like you need some external help!

No I hate despise my son. He had ASD ADHD CHALLENGING BEHAVIOUR NON VERBAL  I give that child everything. And all I get is punched kicked. Slapped meltdowns house trashed. I look at all the other normal children with pride then I look at him and feel angry stressed unhappy sad.no love what's so ever. I haven't drank alcohol for 3 years now as if I do have 1 drink I will drink myself to death. I hate getting up wish I was dead every damn day. I hate my life like I hate my son.

I also think you are brave,Your user name tells me that you have been extremely brave by taking the first big step to come on here.

please read as much as you can on here as I hope you will see that many autistic/Asperger individuals go on to achieve a great deal.

we all have an ability to change,we need time and understanding more than anything .Some of us are the difference between two smart phones! Just because I can use an iPhone doesn't follow I can use a windows based phone.both are phones,both do similar amazing things but both have unique operating systems,

I wish you well in finding a way for you and your family to accept your daughter.

To feel like this is understandable. I often say to myself 'what might have been.' I have an Aspergers daughter who was diagnosed 3 years ago at the age of 14. She is my only child. She gets on fine with my husband but has clashed with me incessantly over the years. It is true to say that nobody has upset me more than my daughter. She has had psychologist appointments for three years now and I have had 3 years to understand autism and indeed my daughter. I teach children of a similar age to her and she is different. The advice I have received is 'let her be,' and 'choose your battles.' Let her follow her own path and only challenge if absolutely necessary. There will probably be a specific interest she has, for my daughter it is a fascination with reptiles. She now has some of her own, I don't like them but for her they are a release. Speaking as the mother of a daughter, from experience she may be finding school so stressful, she bottles up all the stress at school and let's rip with you because she can. I've had years and years of this. She is now at college and only has to attend for lessons. This is an improvement because coping with the social side of school is very difficult for an autistic.

 I would suggest giving your daughter a quiet place of her own to retreat to. She may find being with the other siblings too much. Before diagnosis my daughter and I got on far better when we were alone together and still do. For my daughter 'three is a crowd,' and I am often alienated in our family of three. 

I was initially informed by mothers of other autistics that I would never have a normal mother-daughter relationship with my daughter and I think this true. Keep any nice comments or gestures you get from her in your heart, in my case there are very few.  Eventually the rows will diminish, the tears will flow less and the hurt will subside. Cherish your other children and develop your own interests. As time goes by I'm sure you'll understand autism more and then your relationship with your daughter will improve.

Love MY daughter. I'm working on it.

I too think you are brave to post on here. I originally wrote quite a bit then deleted it but still think it's valid so will write it again. I do agree with what the others have written too. And I hope you will try the number I posted to speak to other parents 1-1 . The thing that seems to be shouting from the page is how exhausted you sound.  As well as gaining knowledge about autism it seems to me that you think you have to care for this all by yourselves. If you were able to get help to supplement the care that you give it may be better for all of you. You could look at family therapy (to help look at family dynamics and ways to alleviate your situation)as well as individual therapy, you could look at respite care, you could think about having support to do activities which you find more stressful or have support in your home. You could have a needs assessment done through social services to see how they can help. It's much better to get help than to feel alone trying to stretch yourself. If you incorporated some of these things to give yourself a bit of space you may then find that helped with your feelings towards your daughter. I hope you find a way forward