Relationship problems

Good morning NAS66923,

Firstly congratulations on your diagnosis. We have some advice pages which may be useful for you to read.

Please find a section here entitled After Diagnosis:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis

Please click on the headings to find out more. 

I am very sorry to hear you do not feel supported by your husband. It is important you look after your own mental health so please do explore the following section on Mental Health:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help

I hope you find support in the above pages in addition to the support you have received from the community already.

With best wishes, 

Anna Mod

Oh that old chestnut, you can anything with him, but he won't do anything with you. I don't know that you can do anything about that, I think thats just how some people are.

I get what you mean about not going to places that make you feel anxious, when I did still drink alcohol, I'd often drink alone, because I could stop when I wanted too, I could have a glass or two and not feel the pressure of having to keep up with others and drink more than I wanted too, I could drink what I liked too. I realised that I drank because that was how I coped in pubs and other loud places with often semi-hostile people.

How is he with your 4 year old? With his schedule it dosen't sound like he has much time for family life with you.

I haven’t give up drinking, I just don’t do it as often and prefer not to go to the places that make me feel anxious, whereas before I would just go anywhere even I didn’t really want to.

I don’t want to separate, I do love him and we have a 4 year old together but it’s like we live two separate lives in the same house. I’m not on my own but I feel lonely. 

I don’t work at the moment because of my mental health issues but he gets up early to go on a two hour walk at 6am. He then goes straight to work after his walk, then goes to the pub after work. When he gets home he is tired and goes to bed. Then on the weekends he has his 3 children from a previous marriage or he is working. Any spare time, he spends with others! 

I have tried to speak to him about how I feel but he says I can go with him, it’s me that doesn’t want to do anything but that’s not entirely true. He said I need to go back to work and stop using accuses. 

I've noticed that a lot of people have some very strange reactions when someone gives up alcohol, it's like they feel you've opted out of being social and stopped being the person you were when you were drinking, I stopped drinking because I was menopausal and it gave me monsterous hot flushes and made me throw up.

it does sound like he's trying to test your boundaries. You say he clearly isn't happy with you anymore, but more to the point, are you happy with him as he is now? You can have some power with this situation, firstly by asking yourself what you want and need and if he's unwilling to meet you at least halfway then would seperating be such a bad thing? Obviously it would be a massive upheaval and change is scary, but it dosen't have to be bad scary, it can be liberating scary if you embrace it and decide to live the life you want and need to live rather than the one you have been living and one where your needs aren't being met.

Thank you, I feel better just by speaking about it. 

NAS66923 said:

is that not a good thing?

yes, blame is never productive. 

I could take another line here and say he is totally at fault - should be more aware & understanding, and needs to avail himself of the mountains of evidence - but I think I would be inflaming matters.   You've already noticed he's not doing these things. 

I agree, some support would be nice, rather than to undermine the diagnosis, and ASD status.  

If I lived with someone who spoke to me like that I'd probably hit the roof, truth be told - I do empathise. 

Perhaps you need to make some time to hear his thoughts & feelings too, though - before deciding on a course of action.  

I wish you all well. 

Yeah, I don’t blame him completely but I haven’t really changed. The only thing that has happened is that I have stopped blaming myself, is that not a good thing? 

Before I wasn’t sure if I was autistic because although I suffer with social anxiety, communication issues and a lot of the other traits, I also didn’t quite fit in either. So when they said they think that I’m ADHD also, that made more sense to me. 

I have got myself in the past in some tricky situations, drinking too much alcohol just to calm me down. Getting diagnosed with anxiety disorder, attachment disorder etc 

 My two children have autism too which made me realise, I was autistic (I had no idea), struggled my whole life. Couldn’t read or write at age 9, struggled to make friends. Thought I was stupid but had massive aspirations and special interests. 

Yes that’s exactly how I feel. Every time I try to defend myself, he shuts me down. Doesn’t want to hear it, I’m making excuses. He is even doing more things on his own, meeting up with friends. He says it’s because I don’t want to do anything which again isn’t true, I just don’t want to do what he is suggesting (busy places etc). 
I spent my whole life masking, putting myself in situations that cause me distress and I would cope by drinking too much alcohol. I don’t want to do that anymore. I feel like he is going to leave me! 
He said he won’t but he clearly isn’t happy with me anymore. 

I'm guessing you really feel in need of his support now and instead you're getting judgement? This is a really uncomfortable place to be, could you ask him in a quiet non confrontational way, what he hoped the outcome of diagnosis would be and how he hoped it would change things?Maybe he hoped you could be "fixed" in some way? Many people and in my experience men in particular have a mindset where if you show them a problem, they reach to their inner mechanic to find the right tools and when they don't have the right tools feel useless and that feeling of uselessness often expresses itself by being judgemental, denial that something is a problem and blame. I don't know what you can do to help him learn about ASC and ADHD, his refusal to learn is probably a fear reaction.

I find the 'we're all on the spectrum somewhere' stuff infuriating and unhelpful, especially as its often followed by totally inappropriate and unhelpful advice.

I am sorry to hear of your difficulties.

Nobody here will have the ability to judge who is at fault in your relationship, and it is quite possible that nobody is.  Things just evolve over time.  Perhaps you feel your ASD diagnosis helped, while your husband has another perspective - it doesn't mean either of you are wrong.

When people start taking adversarial positions, quite often everything they say becomes a problem.  When all is fine, you cut the other person slack, but when there are issues, everything gets added to it - and used as examples of the issues.  

I am not excusing him, I don't know him, he cannot speak here.  But you say he needs to be educated, his language is wrong and offensive and that despite being initially supportive, he is now essentially blaming the diagnosis for a change in behaviour. 

Getting a validation does change people.  There can be no doubt.   How did you feel when you were given that diagnosis?   Some people say it empowers them.  Perhaps he has sensed a change?  It is possible.  Do you think he fears more change if you were to get an ADHD diagnosis on top?  

These are just some thoughts, and not solutions.  I do suggest you try speaking to him calmly and even explore the possibility of getting some couples therapy/relationship counselling.   I wish you both good luck, and with your ADHD assessment.