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Relationship problems

NAS66923

Hello,

Me and my husband aren’t getting along. I’m so emotionally drained because I feel like he is being the unreasonable one! 
I was diagnosed with autism at 43 (2years ago) and I am awaiting for assessment for ADHD (app next week). 
I do not work because of my mental health (anxiety and depression) and I do struggle daily with minor tasks. 

My husband has known about my issues for a while and he was the one who encouraged me to get assessed for autism but he is now saying that I have got worse since my diagnosis and that I’m making excuses for my behaviour. 

I do not agree at all. I believe that he thought that as soon as I got a diagnosis, then I would be ok if that makes sense? I try to get him to watch online educational videos with people with ADHD to explain why I think I have this condition too as I was made aware in my autism assessment that I had many of the traits of ADHD. 

If I get a diagnosis of adhd next week, I will definitely be asking to take the medication as I feel like this would definitely help me cope better with my issues but until then I just feel like every day is the same. My head is scrambled and now I feel like I have no support from my husband. 

He has flat right refused to educate himself and he uses the sort of language that I find offensive (everyone is a bit autistic or a bit adhd). Does anyone else have these difficulties or is it me that’s the problem? 

I am very emotional at the moment and really not sure if I should even send this post. 

Thanks

Parents

  • I'm guessing you really feel in need of his support now and instead you're getting judgement? This is a really uncomfortable place to be, could you ask him in a quiet non confrontational way, what he hoped the outcome of diagnosis would be and how he hoped it would change things?Maybe he hoped you could be "fixed" in some way? Many people and in my experience men in particular have a mindset where if you show them a problem, they reach to their inner mechanic to find the right tools and when they don't have the right tools feel useless and that feeling of uselessness often expresses itself by being judgemental, denial that something is a problem and blame. I don't know what you can do to help him learn about ASC and ADHD, his refusal to learn is probably a fear reaction.

    I find the 'we're all on the spectrum somewhere' stuff infuriating and unhelpful, especially as its often followed by totally inappropriate and unhelpful advice.

Reply

  • I'm guessing you really feel in need of his support now and instead you're getting judgement? This is a really uncomfortable place to be, could you ask him in a quiet non confrontational way, what he hoped the outcome of diagnosis would be and how he hoped it would change things?Maybe he hoped you could be "fixed" in some way? Many people and in my experience men in particular have a mindset where if you show them a problem, they reach to their inner mechanic to find the right tools and when they don't have the right tools feel useless and that feeling of uselessness often expresses itself by being judgemental, denial that something is a problem and blame. I don't know what you can do to help him learn about ASC and ADHD, his refusal to learn is probably a fear reaction.

    I find the 'we're all on the spectrum somewhere' stuff infuriating and unhelpful, especially as its often followed by totally inappropriate and unhelpful advice.

Children
  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Yes that’s exactly how I feel. Every time I try to defend myself, he shuts me down. Doesn’t want to hear it, I’m making excuses. He is even doing more things on his own, meeting up with friends. He says it’s because I don’t want to do anything which again isn’t true, I just don’t want to do what he is suggesting (busy places etc). 
    I spent my whole life masking, putting myself in situations that cause me distress and I would cope by drinking too much alcohol. I don’t want to do that anymore. I feel like he is going to leave me! 
    He said he won’t but he clearly isn’t happy with me anymore.