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Holly

Hi. I’m officially diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, I have this problem where I don’t fully recognise myself as me. I mean I know who I am, it’s not a mental illness. But from a sight and sound view I don’t recognise myself anymore. I used to, when I was about 11-12, just as I started high school. That’s the last time I can remember really remembering myself as me. Since then I grew up obviously but now when I see my appearance in a mirror and hear my voice I can’t process it as being me, because that’s not me.

I realise a major part of Aspergers/Autism is not coping with change, it’s something I’ve never adapted to well and the fact I’m now rapidly approaching thirty I struggle with it more than ever and I don’t know what to do about it. It isn’t just my identity I struggle with – not sure that’s the right term – I also struggle with other changes, like changes to my routine. I have fashioned a near perfect routine in which my days never really change and if the routine is somehow broken I have a meltdown. Sadly I lost my sister in 2015 and shortly after this is when I sculpted my new routine, i.e., rarely going out and spending pretty much every day by myself as I’m too afraid to get close to people in case they leave or worse die. It’s led to me avoiding my family but it did create a new routine for me and I have been happier since.  

However my problem is not recognising me as me. I don’t really think it’s a huge deal, I don’t think about it much I just happened to wonder about it today because my sister told me my voice hasn’t changed when in fact I know it has changed a lot!

I hate change.

Parents

  • Hello, and welcome to the forum. 

    I always take particular note when someone mentions 'Aspergers' because a part of me wishes the terminology was still valid, rather than slowly being consigned to history.  

    I guess I can identify with what you say all too well.  When we get to 11 or 12 so much changes.  Our peer groups and families are generally more accepting of our ways up until that point, and we are less critical of life, and those around us too.   We start to feel the necessity to fit in, even if it doesn't come naturally - and for many with ASD it is the least natural thing of all.

    When I was that age, a whole group of us used to sneak into a pub (garden) because we knew the landlord, and someone who should have known better bought drinks.  I didn't really want to be there, but I felt I would miss out if I didn't attend, so I was there bodily, but my mind was telling me I didn't fit.  I think that was my first realisation that life was going to be a struggle.  An epic one.

    I have cPTSD too, which unfortunately takes you back to what I'd term flash points in the past, not necessarily terrible incidents, but sometimes just pivotal ones, and that does enable you to identify turning points. 

    I have little to do with most of my family because there were issues back then - the odd card, the odd social media message.  It isn't a choice as such, and I do wish it could have been different.  I have a friend with ASD who has a wonderful accepting family and I am a little envious - but it is what it is.  I suppose you could say life sculpted a path for me, and that's that.  

    I think I do try, even now, to figure out what the real me is.  Or what I was meant to be - without the years of upset and masking.  Similar to your comment....

    Holly said:
    However my problem is not recognising me as me

    I am not sure what the answer is.  It is very hard to find peace and contentment, but I am still trying & I wish you well.

    Thanks for sharing your story & giving me the opportunity to ramble on.  You aren't alone. 

Reply

  • Hello, and welcome to the forum. 

    I always take particular note when someone mentions 'Aspergers' because a part of me wishes the terminology was still valid, rather than slowly being consigned to history.  

    I guess I can identify with what you say all too well.  When we get to 11 or 12 so much changes.  Our peer groups and families are generally more accepting of our ways up until that point, and we are less critical of life, and those around us too.   We start to feel the necessity to fit in, even if it doesn't come naturally - and for many with ASD it is the least natural thing of all.

    When I was that age, a whole group of us used to sneak into a pub (garden) because we knew the landlord, and someone who should have known better bought drinks.  I didn't really want to be there, but I felt I would miss out if I didn't attend, so I was there bodily, but my mind was telling me I didn't fit.  I think that was my first realisation that life was going to be a struggle.  An epic one.

    I have cPTSD too, which unfortunately takes you back to what I'd term flash points in the past, not necessarily terrible incidents, but sometimes just pivotal ones, and that does enable you to identify turning points. 

    I have little to do with most of my family because there were issues back then - the odd card, the odd social media message.  It isn't a choice as such, and I do wish it could have been different.  I have a friend with ASD who has a wonderful accepting family and I am a little envious - but it is what it is.  I suppose you could say life sculpted a path for me, and that's that.  

    I think I do try, even now, to figure out what the real me is.  Or what I was meant to be - without the years of upset and masking.  Similar to your comment....

    Holly said:
    However my problem is not recognising me as me

    I am not sure what the answer is.  It is very hard to find peace and contentment, but I am still trying & I wish you well.

    Thanks for sharing your story & giving me the opportunity to ramble on.  You aren't alone. 

Children
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