Changes

Thanks Number, I agree that we do seem to have a similar outlook on a lot of things and agree with your opinions about us expressing our ideas.

The only reason I said it was just my opinion and that I'm not a scientist in the final paragraph was because that section expressed my ideas about what NTs are like and that maybe they are different to us in that they don't have this "disconnect" I described - but I have no scientific data to back this up. I also don't know if this affects all autistic people, so it would be good to hear what others think & feel about this.

Everything that you say, I recognise as my truth too.  We don't need to be scientists, nor anything else, to know OUR OWN truths, and it is only if we express them here, without fear or favour, that we can establish the fact that we are not alone in our thoughts and feelings with some other souls here.  That type of personalised connection is invaluable to many of us....we need space, time and consistency to form the type of bonds with each other....that I think MANY of us seek here?

There are many types of autists that I have seen pass through these pages over the years....some of them are like you and me [and forgive me if I choose to consider you to be very similar to me in your outlook, perceptions and writings here]).....and some of them who are very different to me.......but the VAST MAJORITY of us seem to have a central core truth [and only an idiot would try to define that, beyond saying simply....] that we are autistic.

I hope that a safe, varied and tolerant environment can re-emerge here, where everyone can say almost anything, without getting shut-down by zealots or hubristic evangelists who only seem able to accept one "reasonable" autistic voice.  I think that it is healthy to read, see and hear a variety of individuals express their own PERSONAL truths here, and I hope that some of the more "out-there" folk are allowed to find this place to be sufficiently "out-there" and tolerant of their proclivities, to become regular and happy members here again.  Hope springs eternal?!

I understand what you mean about not recognising your physical appearance or voice as you. I think that a lot of us don't like having our photo taken (I certainly don't) and maybe that's because of this "disconnect". I had to be videoed doing a presentation at work once and I hated it. My voice didn't sound like me either.

I feel that we have the "inside us" - known as our mind - and the "outside us" - known as our appearance - and some people have a problem reconciling the two. I don't know if this is an autistic only thing or if NT people experience it too?

I think (although it's just my opinion) that NT people don't have this problem, because they seem to like posting "selfies" on social media and they seem to put a lot of value into appearance and ways of talking. But maybe I'm just using a cliche here - I'm not a scientist after all!

Hello, and welcome to the forum. 

I always take particular note when someone mentions 'Aspergers' because a part of me wishes the terminology was still valid, rather than slowly being consigned to history.  

I guess I can identify with what you say all too well.  When we get to 11 or 12 so much changes.  Our peer groups and families are generally more accepting of our ways up until that point, and we are less critical of life, and those around us too.   We start to feel the necessity to fit in, even if it doesn't come naturally - and for many with ASD it is the least natural thing of all.

When I was that age, a whole group of us used to sneak into a pub (garden) because we knew the landlord, and someone who should have known better bought drinks.  I didn't really want to be there, but I felt I would miss out if I didn't attend, so I was there bodily, but my mind was telling me I didn't fit.  I think that was my first realisation that life was going to be a struggle.  An epic one.

I have cPTSD too, which unfortunately takes you back to what I'd term flash points in the past, not necessarily terrible incidents, but sometimes just pivotal ones, and that does enable you to identify turning points. 

I have little to do with most of my family because there were issues back then - the odd card, the odd social media message.  It isn't a choice as such, and I do wish it could have been different.  I have a friend with ASD who has a wonderful accepting family and I am a little envious - but it is what it is.  I suppose you could say life sculpted a path for me, and that's that.  

I think I do try, even now, to figure out what the real me is.  Or what I was meant to be - without the years of upset and masking.  Similar to your comment....

Holly said:

However my problem is not recognising me as me

I am not sure what the answer is.  It is very hard to find peace and contentment, but I am still trying & I wish you well.

Thanks for sharing your story & giving me the opportunity to ramble on.  You aren't alone.