Published on 12, July, 2020
I am feeling like an absolutely terrible person at this point. It seems either autism or whatever makes me seem like a curt, selfish, and odd person. Looking back, I feel like so many people likely "tolerated" me. I've never been able to maintain a healthy long term relationship or really any friendship. I fear pushing my children away and siblings away. My parents already do not speak to me. I thought I was just an overally emotional person that people didn't understand, but now it feels so out of my ability to control. I fear my life will be filled of more loneliness and isolation. I am very unsure of myself. I also do not know if I can feel love. I remember writing a poem in my teens about how elusive love is. I currently have a partner and he asks why I do not seem to be sure if he loves me. I don't feel loved because I don't know how to feel. I know this is not how everyone presents with autism, but this is how I feel.
Has anyone else started to realize how terrible they are after an autism diagnosis? Were you able to turn it around?
I’m sorry to hear your feeling terrible, and I also feel terrible today so- it happens- we will be ok :). As for ur problem- I’ll give u this quick story…
I met my birth dad 2 years ago and it was a blessing but basically distroyed me for a year and a half. I did a lot of stuff that was impulsive and a lot of it was subconscious.
overall, I think this was due to the change in self perception that this event brought on. You end up flipping back through everything and reprossing stuff. But this doesn’t last forever and it feels really wild but that’s a reasonable way to feel considering you found out something new and big about yourself.
it sounds like your past has been full of subconscious impulsivities, but you have done the work to get diagnoses- a new empty tool box (if you will). Now go start acquireing tools to fill it up. Then it will be heavy and strong and won’t move even when the earth shakin