Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey! My 13 year old daughter is in the process of autism diagnosis and I’m really concerned about her risk taking behaviour. She has become friends with a group who regularly drink vodka in the park and she tells me that she doesn’t like the feel of being drunk but doesn’t want to lose her friends or become ostracised. We set very definite boundaries with her and she currently is not allowed out with these friends but we can not keep her from going out forever, and I know that the minute she’s allowed out again, she will continue with these behaviours. She has absolutely no comprehension of danger or risk management!
Does anyone have any advice or has experienced something similar?
TIA
Lucy x
It can be tricky to know what the consequences of my (as a teenager) actions are, because I don't know what can go wrong. As a parent you have the benefit of hindsight, hearing the stories of others, greater experience of life and its good/bad. This is the blessing and the bug ger at ion of being an adult to an adolescent.
Could you help me think through the consequences of my actions? E.g. don't tell me what to do, but listen, ask curious questions to help me process how I feel or think. Help me work out why I want to drink alcohol, why I want to hang out with these people, why I want to sit in a cold dark park, why I don't want to hang out on my own, why I want to fit in rather than be different.
Whenever I looked after my sister's or my friends' children, I always reckoned the best thing I could do was to give them time and space to talk through whatever was going on inside their head, and to not judge them. Not to assume that, because I've been a teenager that I should know what they are going through (different generation different pressure). All of them came back to me when they were grown up and said how much they appreciated me letting them be themselves, never being shocked by any thoughts they shared, and encouraging them to share necessary stuff with their parents (rather than break the confidence and go behind their back).
Is there an adult she trusts or admires? Sometimes aunts/uncles/grandparents fit this role better, as it helps parents maintain disciplinary and responsibility boundaries...
But I don't have any children of my own, so I can't imagine what you are going through. Take care of yourself.
Hi, I was in a similar situation at some point, in fact I was older than your daughter when I started behaving recklessly, it was for sure part of my masking. I always felt like I’m in the backseat, like a bit disabled or something. I always wanted to be a part of a peer group. Especially when young. You can maybe talk to her and try to find out if she is afraid of being bullied (very much possible, as many autistic people get bullied for being the loner and weirdo) maybe she was being shamed for not having friends (my case) my step dad encouraged me to drink alcohol to make me more “normal” although I hate smell and taste of any alcohol, I was very much ashamed that there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is someone in family or her environment who is manipulating her this way? Maybe she fell in love with someone from that group? Maybe she just needs help recognizing her own emotions, maybe she needs to be heard. Setting boundaries is good, young people should know what’s good and bad, but maybe this step is not enough. I think it’s also a good idea to consult a psychologist. Sorry for late response, you posted 2 days ago, but I needed time to think about it. I hope my answer somehow helps.
Hello Lucy,
I'm sorry to hear that you're having difficulty with your daughter's behaviour. The NAS website has a guide on 'communication tips' when talking to an autistic child/teenager. Here is the link: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/communication/tips
Hopefully users of this forum will also give you some ideas on how to deal with her behaviour.
All the best,
Karin Mod