Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone. I'm new here, first post. So firstly, hello!
I'm 37 years old and I finally decided to seek assessment for both Autism and ADHD, as quite frankly I'm exhausted and have reached a point in life where I'm wanting some answers/certainty about why I'm different to others around me. That and I'm tired of pretending/masking to fit in all the time.
My GP agreed to refer me for both and I've completed the pre-assessment screening tools and forms. My mum has done all the ones for childhood information gathering too.
I have a date for the ADHD assessment (31st July) and I'm still waiting for the Autism assessment appointment.
At this point now, where I'm waiting for the final appointments, I'm really struggling. The pre-assessment forms really made me focus in on my traits which lead to 4 weeks of hyperfocus on ADHD and ASD which has been exhausting and probably quite unhealthy? But also, it made me revisit childhood trauma and various issues which I'd normally prefer not to think about.
I feel like I've bared my soul to an unknown stranger and now I'm left here feeling vulnerable and just waiting. The not knowing if I'll be diagnosed either way is driving me to despair.
Anyone else in this position/been there? Any advice to help me while I wait?
I found the forms difficult to fill in as well. In fact it took me about 3 weeks to finally do it, and then once I started I got hyper-focused on it and stayed up until 5am writing loads. It did bring up a lot of negative memories and sadness over how basically my entire life was made difficult and I struggled so much and tried so hard and it shouldn't have been that hard.
After filling in the forms I couldn't bring myself to look at them again for a month. Eventually I did go back and clean it up a bit before submitting it (I'd written about 35 pages).
I also bared my soul and shared things that nobody else had ever heard. I thought it was a doctor/patient privilege situation, but almost everything I wrote got sent to my GP and is now part of my permanent medical history for anyone to read. Which I wasn't very pleased about.
In the week running up to my diagnosis I kept thinking what an idiot I was and that I wasn't autistic, but then it seems like it was actually a very easy diagnosis to make since I met every criteria multiple times over. Then I didn't know what to feel afterwards. I basically can't process my own emotions and struggle to know what I'm feeling and didn't have anyone to discuss it with.
I'm left thinking "well this explains everything that happened in my life, but now what". There is no help available so now I'm just an autistic guy who lives alone, has no friends, and is nearly 40 and I wonder if things would have been different if I had a diagnosis sooner.
I also had doubts about whether I had autism leading up to my assessment, and whether I was just wasting people's time. But as in your experience the assessor seem to find the diagnosis an easy one, and seemed in no doubt that I was autistic.
Initially the diagnosis didn't seem real, and I struggled to process it. I then experienced a rollercoaster of emotions over the following week. From a strange lightness as I suddenly had a better understanding of why I had struggled all my life with so many situations. I suddenly felt more compassion for my past self, rather than my usual frustration and disappointment. But then I felt a wave of sadness for my past self who could have gained so much from a better understanding of herself, and perhaps some support from loved ones and professionals, if she has received an autistic diagnosis as a child.
I really hope you find some help with processing your diagnosis from being able to discuss it here, and also hopefully some comfort knowing that you are not alone.
Thank you for sharing this. This is exactly how I feel/have felt.
Thank you for your kind message. It was your first post that gave me the courage to join this discussion and write my first post. So thank you. :-)
Reading everyone's messages in this discussion is helping me feel less alone.