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Am I autistic?

Mia

Hi!

I am a 21 year old woman and recently I have started questioning myself if I might be autistic. I do not want to make assumptions or self-diagnose. I just wanted to talk to people who might understand my experience, as I feel professionals have not been able to help or diagnose me properly.

I always have felt different and I know I am unlikely to be a neurotypical person. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but I feel like there is something underneath that actually triggers these disorders. However, psychologists and psychiatrists I have seen never gave me a proper diagnosis for what I have. They suggested that I might have ADHD, social anxiety, OCD, avoidant personality disorder. Autism was never mentioned and I actually never considered that I might be autistic until recently, when I started reading more about ASD. If I am autistic, I would be what is called “high-masking”, I do not think anyone I personally know would think of me as autistic. However, when looking underneath, I think I might have some traits that could be considered autistic. And especially when I think about how I was as a child, I think I had some characteristics that are common among autistic girls, such as self-isolating and difficulty making friends; tics; sensory sensitivity (I would not wear jeans or any clothes that I found ‘itchy’; I could not look at shiny things because they overwhelmed me); I had fixated, intense interests; among other characteristics. As of now, I still feel I have all of those traits, but less visibly, I think I learned to ‘control’ and hide them better, as I feel they are not socially acceptable.

Anyone would like to share their experiences? What are some traits you all think people with “high-masking” autism have, particularly women? 

  • in reply to Mia

    The 'masking so long that I can't identify that I am actually masking' feeling is also very common amongst us autists! And, of course, feeling like the odd one out, which is completely understandable, as we're in a minority. Communities like this one are very important for our emotional wellbeing. I like being alone, but I don't like feeling alone. I hope you continue to feel welcome here. 

  • A skipping record. 

    A broken soundtrack. 

    Perpetual. 

    Never-ending. 

    That's how people sound to me. 

    Fragmented. 

    Dismembered. 

    Speech elusive of sense. 

    My mind cannot process. 

    A mind not to be. 

    No-one knows. 

    Nobody feels. 

    People devoid of my plight. 

    Never can they know. 

    Not ever will they see. 

    But proud I am. 

    Despite my flaws. 

    They make me what I am. 

    For I fight. 

    With all my might. 

    That is the key. 

    Imperfect to all. 

    Different I am. 

    That I forever will. 

    But others believe. 

    Those who do. 

    It'll never beat me. 

    Special chose me. 

    Unique I am. 

    More than many are. 

    For we may be different. 

    Quintessentially so. 

    Autism is life. 

    Autism is me. 

  • in reply to Inula

    Hi, Inula! Thank you for the kind words and warm welcome. Your experience of presenting as neurotypical resonates with mine - autistic or not, it’s tough to seek a diagnosis or understand oneself when we've been fitting into social expectations. But it is encouraging to see your path towards self-awareness! I am trying to do the same, working towards a better understanding of myself.

  • Hi. I was diagnosed in October. I never had that moment of realisation for myself because I know very little of autism, the more I'm learning the more it makes sense. I have had a million and one wrong diagnosis since I was a child and I was just lucky enough that after a long talk with my doctor about what I was going through she decided to do a little test and refer me for an assessment. I'm reading a book at the moment called women and girls with autism spectrum disorder by Sarah Hendricks which is helping me understand ASD a lot more and it has a passage about how a lot of women see it in themselves before health professionals. I would suggest you talk to your doctor. See if they will give you the test ( I don't remember what it was called but it was about 10 questions) and see if you can get an assessment 

  • in reply to Autistic Not Alien

    Hi Neil! Thank you for sharing your experience. I watched the video ‘9 positive traits of autism’ after seeing your reply, and I do relate with all of the traits mentioned. And what you mentioned about anxiety about social experiences, over-analysing interactions,  sensory overload and sensitivity to noise, is all part of my experience. But at the same time, the possibility of me being autistic makes me confused, as I question myself if I am really ‘masking’, if I have been masking for so long that I can’t identify that I am actually masking. I don’t know. But I somehow do feel this may be the answer to why I have always felt like the ‘odd’ one, why I usually find being social so difficult and why I have so many ‘quirks’.

  • Hi and welcome to the community Mia

    I'm 62 and diagnosed within the last year. I wish I'd known sooner! I've not told many people because I'm still processing the information. Some people that I have told don't believe me because I've always presented myself as neurotypical (what brilliant actresses we ladies can be) Those people really tick me off as I'm now officially diagnosed.

    When my (much) younger sister was diagnosed a number of years ago I remember saying if she's autistic then I certainly must be! I took an online test and nope. Not autistic. 

    Fast forward to a couple of years ago and my adult daughter was exploring the likelihood that she herself was  autistic (she got diagnosed later that year). She sent me the link for the test and I did it again. Only - this time I did it properly and answered the questions honestly and not from a perspective of a masking adult. Bingo! I scored pretty highly. 

    As Neil says - self diagnosis and self recognition are perfectly valid and acceptable here. I went down the official diagnosis route because I had raging imposter syndrome (how can you reach your 60s and not know such a fundamental part of yourself?) 

    You're welcome here :) 

    Inula 

  • Hi Mia. I hope you don't mind me commenting, as I'm a late-diagnosed autistic male.

    You have described some common autistic traits here, and self-diagnosis, or self-recognition, is valid. The latter term is used by the autistic YouTuber Yo Samdy Sam. She's very good.

    I was officially diagnosed last year, 16 months after realising that I'm autistic. My 'a ha!' came at the end of watching an Autism from the Inside video on the '9 positive traits of autism'. Knowing I'm autistic has allowed me self-acceptance and forgiveness. 

    I think another common autistic trait is anxiety about social situations: the noise, confusion, not knowing what to say and when to say it, over-analysing what you said and did - sometimes years later. For me, this stems from a fundamental need to make sure everyone is content and that things are ordered. 

    I've been 'masking' for years, but I wear the mask less because I've learned that people-pleasing isn't an unambiguously honourable and sustainable approach to life. Self-preservation isn't selfishness. Autistic people deserve to be happy too.