Published on 12, July, 2020
Long post:
I don't expect any solutions or answers but it would be nice to know that I'm not the only one this sort of thing happens to. Right now I just feel a bit sad because of what's happened.
Hello all,
My husband was my best friend for many years and (unknown to me at the time because I was undiagnosed) he helped me to navigate the world a little more easily. I did make some friends myself but mostly I made friends with his friends partners. Like many of us, I don't do well in group settings but friendships with other couples worked ok for me.
When my husband died those friendships fizzled out. I have tried hard to make friends since then. I joined a church and made a best friend there. We would take trips out together and I coped with that far better than being in the church group, where I would always have to remove myself from the chatter and sit on my own for a while because I found the group chatter uninteresting or just too much.
When covid hit that suited me as I wasn't forced to socialise. Towards the end of covid my friend and I discovered that our church "friends" had continued to meet in secret during the lockdowns but we hadn't been invited. (I absolutely wouldn't have gone anyway as it was against the rules)
My best friend died a few years ago (which caused me to have the mother and father of all meltdowns) At this point I had no clue that I'm autistic. I was acutely aware that I will probably never make another best friend :(
I decided to join a walking group that meets regularly in my area but me and my dog were mostly walking alone at the back of the pack on our own. The point of the joining the group was for me to make friends but it just didn't happen so me and my dog no longer go.
I was then invited to join a "circle" The lady who hosts it at her home knew I had lost my best friend and knew I needed some friends so I accepted the invitation. As always I didn't feel as though I fit into the group and always had to push myself to attend the weekly meeting and couldn't always do that
During my time with them they closed ranks on one of the members who they felt didn't fit in for reasons I won't go into. I thought she was ok as she hadn't done anything to upset me. They created a new chat group on messenger, the host posted in the old group that she was closing the circle and everyone moved to the new chat and carried on as usual, minus the ostracised member.
At this time of year, when the weather is bad I find it particularly difficult to motivate myself to go to the circle so I often make excuses not to go. It's a couple of miles away and I don't drive so on Monday I told them I wasn't sure if I was going, then a little later I confirmed I wasn't going because it was too cold. Nobody made comment on that - but when another lady said she couldn't make it they said how sad they were that they wouldn't see her. It made me see that I'm probably not a valued member of the group.
The following day the host posted a message to the group chat saying she's going to change things up with the circle. In future it's going to be more structured, more formal learning and she's going to be increasing the weekly fee. Within a few minutes she also sent me a private message regarding the changes. I told her in private how I'm really struggling with social stuff right now so I won't be coming along to the new improved circle. I didn't post anything into the main social chat. Although all the other members saw the post in the main chat about the changes not a single one passed comment on it and nobody has posted to that group since which (on a regular week) is unusual.
I'm as sure as I can be that I've been been pushed out and there's a new chat open that I'm not part of. I'm not sure how I feel about this. And I'm not sure why I've been pushed out. Not do I wish to wade in there demanding to know if and why. I do feel sad because it would be nice to be able to say I have friends. But I also feel relieved because I don't have to force myself to go and socialise. Such a mixture of emotions.
Thank you for reading.
I realise this is a very long post.
Inula
Hi, Inula,
I too could of written this. I have experienced this shift in friendship groups all my life, never knowing why, and its only now my daughter has been diagnosed that I realise how much I am like her. I find it hard the need I have for social groups and to be included, but also the fear of rejection they fill you with, you find yourself isolating, pushing away people and not wanting that contact.
What you've said makes so much sense I guess I just wanted to say your not alone.
"I'm really struggling with social stuff right now so I won't be coming along to the new improved circle."
Have you clarified with her that whilst you are unable to do so at this time, you express your interest in remaining part of the social chat and would like to come along when you are ready to socialise again?
She might have taken "won't be coming along" to mean forever. Perhaps just clarify what you meant.
I can so relate to what you are feeling. I have had similar experiences. But i dont really care, because i just cant deal with the social gathering thing. I am part of a group chat. Everyone sends lovely encouraging cute nessages to each other. Im not like that. Its not that i dont care. Im just not like that. I have list contacts. I cant deal with lengthy conversations about nothing. Theres likely other reasons that the group has changed that you dont know about. I dont like people being singled out, it is mean. But if we dont make an effort how long can we expect others to? X
Hi Inula,
I also find it hard with friendships. My social circle gets smaller and smaller and I'm not sure what to do about it. I still have a husband so that helps, but still feel lonely often, as I long to have friends.
I have had so many failed attempts at friendships, it is hard to not feel sad.
Often when things are getting especially tough, I come back here and that is infact why I am about here today.
I hope you find some good people on here to relate to.
xx Mrs Snooks
I'm sorry that you have experienced this.
I had the same experience (being pushed out) back in October. I thought that they were my friends. Our group formed more than 5 years ago. I believe that they are still all in touch with each other. I've no idea why this has happened, but like you I'm not going to ask why. I can't tell you how upset I've been. But I'm relieved too. I know that they wouldn't have accepted my recent discovery of being autistic.
I bought myself a journal titled unsent letters. I scribbled away in this the other day. Writing an unsent letter to each. It was very cathartic and I do feel better, but still a little sad.
Hopefully in time better things will present themselves to us Inula.
Take care.
Hi Stella - thank you for replying. As I noted the read count going up and nobody replying I was starting to feel even more isolated. :(
Thank you for your words of wisdom Very insightful and thought provoking and not something I had considered. As a quiet member of the circle (who didn't find many of their "in" jokes funny or interesting, I can see how I might be perceived as somebody who wasn't particularly interested or interesting.
At the moment I feel like I'm absolutely done with the huge effort it takes to try to make friends yet I would like to have friends! I don't recall the fancy name for it but I'm an "out of sight out of mind" person and I struggle to maintain friendships of any sort. I can handle friends in short bursts but then I'm exhausted and need a rest!
The blessing of being diagnosed does make it a bit easier to understand why I have these difficulties (until my diagnosis last year I always thought there was something wrong with me!)
Thank you again for your input
I've found some neurotypical people don't take kindly to not being needed or perceiving apathy regarding what they deem as socially important. It sounds like they're being very uninclusive of people different from themselves.
Because you may present as less emotive to them, they probably don't think you'll have been saddened by this (which is them not being inclusive or empathetic). I've been cut out of friend groups or had group chats go dry and I've honestly not been able to trace back any reason for it. But in retrospect, I'm sure it was what you're talking about above. Not clamoring for attention, appearing (but not being!) apathetic so I guess I just looked like a dead weight that could naturally fall away ... but it doesn't feel natural when it's you!
Are there any spaces you could try that are much more inclusive of autistic people? Often nerdy game spaces are very inclusive and understanding and all are welcome for example (spoken as a nerd myself).
Sorry this has happened to you. I think it's a cycle a lot of us are used to.
Best,
Stella