I found out I am autistic a few months ago and apparently I had a secret childhood diagnosis...

Hello! I just joined this community to meet people that can relate to my situation, which is kind of awkward. Where to begin

My name is Ana, 36, born in Portugal and living in the UK for over 5 years. So uh I learned I was autistic after a lot of mental health professional help via counseling and therapy during the first 6 months of this year. More like I've turned pretty obsessed (and still I am) to learn about neurodiversity and mental health as much I could and little by little, like a puzzle assembling pieces, I've reached the possibility of being autistic.

Several traits were with me all my life:

• Poor memory (I forget little things like what I was doing a few seconds later to misplace belongings everyday)
• Sound and light over-stimulation (I hated balloons and parties since I can remember. Fire alarms tests make my head spin and the sound goes on repeat in my head for HOURS. I can't sleep at night without earplugs. My oven has that annoying tiktak timer which I always have to hide in the bathroom when it is about to do that super loud TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM sound when reaching 0. Only after getting noise cancelling headphones I go out in my free days way more frequently and can go anywhere now)
• Difficulty multitasking (if I try to do that, I ended under-performing one thing or the other if not to cause accidents)
• High sensitivity (scolding and yelling can affect me for DAYS if not WEEKS and I remember it FOREVER)
• Eye contact struggle (now I can do it automatically but it takes me more energy than I can ever consider it as "neurotypical")
• Bad metaphor understanding (figures of speech always puzzled me if not make me cringe. Or even to understand what they are talking about)
• Face expressions trouble (I can't fake smile at all. Only with friends and people I am very comfortable. I am unable to smile at work no matter what)
• Hyperfixations. ALL my life, pretty specific! Currently obsessed with angora rabbits and mental health matters. You should see my place :P)
• Listening to the same songs over and over and over again.
• My brain is always playing a song or quoting a whole episode of a show I like. 24/7.
• Don't touch my things (I will silently stare at you if you pick up anything that belongs at me and almost wish to punch your face for that)
• Tell me your plans (I get upset if anyone doesn't tell me a change of plans for the day when it is too late for an escape)
• Shuttering (I may gasp to find the right words at times. My accent is pretty singing-like and I can't help it. People constantly ask me if I am italian)
• Emotional shutdown/selective mutism (when I am very upset, I become unable to speak. When younger I was pretty rude in that state so apparently have learned to shut up so wouldn't say anything to regret)

So it was pretty a self diagnosis. Until early this month. I spoke with a relative and they have revealed I was actually diagnosed at the age of 6 but as the doctors said I wouldn't have trouble learning (uuuh) my parents have decided to keep that a secret from me so I could have a "normal" life. Yeah but not knowing made me to develop very low self esteem for being different, "weird", bullied for just existing with no real friends until the age of 21

It didn't help I was constantly punished, harassed and humiliated by my parents whenever I forgot something or taking more time than their standards for picking something like new glasses or wearing new clothes. So yeah I was the "bad child" that "couldn't do anything right", or "I don't understand you" by my mother or called "stupid" or "fat" or compared with actual neurotypical people of my age at that time. I was practically raised to do "masking" as all my quirks were "embarrassing" and "not normal".

After moving to the UK, slowly and surely the mask started to drop and I started to stop pretending to be neurotypical. I started to act more like me and less like anyone else and developed a great quality that couldn't embrace back "home": empathy.

Learning I was autistic I was like everything suddenly made sense. I wasn't stupid or a freak or a horrible person. There was nothing wrong with me, I was just born with a differently wired brain in a neurotypical world. My confidence skyrocketed and now my routine and navigation is heavily focused in my special needs. The mask have dropped entirely. HOWEVER due to stigma and downplaying, I only revealed my autism to my few and the best friends of the entire world! Oh and here now