Masking, personality and hobbies

I've found that if you're not comfortable with something or doubt it then it's probably where you're masking, so like a hairstyle, or clothes, a movie you bought - masking is like that. The things you doubt and don't really like aren't really you. You got them, just because, and you doubt them for that very reason. That's what it's like for me. I try to get rid of the things that make me uncomfortable because of masking, otherwise I don't feel like myself and it causes a lot of doubting and confusion, and I don't need that.

The bits that are really you, are bits you really like and make you happy.

If you have clothes you actually like wearing - then you like them and would have bought them whatever you did or didn't know about your neurological status.  If you hate them, bin them 'cos they were only ever about pleasing someone else.

Got a hobby?  Do you derive pleasure from that hobby? Yes?  It's not masking.  No? Then, it is and it might be useful to ask yourself why you were doing it?  Who did it please for you to do it?  What purpose was it really serving?

Basically, just ditch everything you aren't totally comfortable with.

Thank you for starting this discussion. I’m 41 and I was diagnosed two weeks ago and this is the overriding question that I am sitting with. 

Having only just been diagnosed, I don’t have all the answers, but I do know I have to try to reduce the amount of masking I do because it is taking up too much energy - but I don’t know who I am without it. Plus, I do it so automatically that I have no idea how to reduce it when I’m in social situations.

Also I'm trying to STOP people pleasing.. and going with what feels right for me and fits in-line with my values which are comfort, safety & knowledge.

I knew my real me was when I was alone at home... I stim and sing and dance and shout my thoughts and laugh randomly and cry when I feel like it. My partner sees the real me, but I struggle with being me in the world without people asking "are you alright", "are you okay", "what are you doing". I can't keep masking anymore though it's causing me to become more and more unwell.. so I've started having conversations with people about why I might do things or say things that seem out of the ordinary.

I created a Pinterest account and put things I liked into set folders and I've come to notice I love plain and dark clothes or brown and beige.. whereas my wardrobe is full of floral clothes.. that I found uncomfortable. So I'm now only purchasing things that my mind feels comfortable with.. also they HAVE to be comfortable now as I can't manage the energy to wear things that aren't comfortable.

I went through this process a couple of years ago. I questioned everything about myself, whether my hobbies and interests were things I actually liked or whether I had just got into them because they were "cool" or gave me something to talk to people about, I questioned how I dressed and what my actual personality was, whether I was quiet or loud etc

I can tell you you do come out the other side of that, I still question the odd thing here and there but I am pretty comfortable with who I am now and what I like. My dress sense has changed though to clothes I actually feel comfortable in regardless of how stylish they are.

You will come out the other side of this process and when you do you will have a much clearer idea of who you are 

I'm not sure how much is masking and how much is learned social behaviour everyone has to do. A gross example is nose picking, I think most kids do this and have to learn not to do it in public. What I wear round the house is not only not socially appropriate but not really weather suitable outside, so I do have to dress differently in public, but I don't think I'd dress much differently outside if nobody could see me? Maybe I would? I'd probably put on something nicer in some situations. But maybe I'd sometimes wear something nice just to amuse myself if alone. But only if it was also comfortable! I have mostly got rid of any clothes that aren't actually comfortable though.

I find it really hard to work out if I am actually masking or not, a friend from school said she thought I was the person most myself that she knew (if that makes sense) but I think I do try and pass for normal-ish even if it is a strange kind of normal. I've always been eccentric and not bothered about that. I wouldn't pretend to be interested in something I find excruciatingly dull just to fit in, though I might try to be polite about it rather than actually calling it excruciatingly dull! But I'd be trying to change the subject to something mutually interesting if possible.

Everyone adapts themselves somewhat to the company they are in, although autistic masking is a level beyond what everyone else does. I think that is what makes it so hard to unpick.

On average, yes, but it varies considerably between individuals. I reached 59 years of age without anyone noticing, including myself, that I was autistic. This is despite being selectively mute for various lengths of time at infant school. I pass as allistic most of the time, to most people, the only downside is that I get exhausted with the effort. Time on my own tends to fix this, however.

I always think about it like this: the real me is the one who I would like to be if there were no societal expectations, and the person I am when I'm at home on my own where nobody (except my also-ND partner) can see what I'm doing. If that person is still influenced by others, that's okay, because it's for my own benefit and nobody else's.

Don't get this the wrong way, but females mask and camouflage to a much higher degree than males are, since there are higher expectations and needs to conform socially. 

Hi.  I’m new to this forum.  My two children (elder boy 23, younger girl 16) both have diagnosis of autism albeit “high functioning”.  I haven’t been assessed myself but am pretty sure I exist somewhere in that spectrum. It’s been really interesting to watch recent tv documentaries looking at masking in particular. One thing that has just occurred to me is that I think my 88 yr old mother is also autistic. Does anyone here have any experience of this at all? She has a history of extreme anxiety which has become off the scale now that she is at the age she is.  There are other reasons who I suspect this but am wondering if there are approaches in engaging with her that would help? Any ideas?

I do not bother myself over such distinctions. After many decades, my camouflaging is just part of me; without it would I still be me? I just try to be easy on myself and not bother about where my traits come from. If masking or other forms of camouflaging are not actively causing distress, why change them?

Yes it’s hard with social media as well isn’t it! I’ll try that and look for that book too thanks 

it's a process... I am going through this myself... am reading Devon Price's Unmasking Autism. Really recommend it. 

What I am trying to do is to be more aware how I am when I am alone, by myself. Do I behave differently, do I dress differently and are there interests I have that I hide from others because I fear they won't approve? Do I choose clothing etc that would give me approval from certain people or because I like them myself? Are some of my interests tuned to make connections with others or because I am really into these things?