Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I am interested in learning more about a woman with PDA and have some questions.
I have previously dated this woman, starting from July and taking a break for a couple of months. We started seeing each other again from February.
I really want to understand her better, and I consider myself a very understanding, accepting, and patient person. We don't talk about the future or the past, and my intention is to have a romantic relationship. I believe she would like to see where things go as well, but we cannot discuss it. I want to ask her about it, but I know it would be a demand and expectation that would not give a positive response.I can live with not discussing it and let time show where things lead, but it's not easy to navigate.
Right now, we are focusing on building trust in our relationship, and that's fine with me, but I find it difficult to navigate her changing moods. Sometimes she is very open, and other times she is closed off.
For example, she wrote that she hoped she would feel better for her meeting, and I asked her which meeting it was for, but she didn't respond, which is fine in principle, but I don't understand what depends on the change. She usually answers, and when it comes to trust, I can feel it's an attack on me, and thoughts like "Have I done something since she doesn't want to tell me?" can come up. I am spending time reading about PDA, and I read that it's good to give choices, so I asked her, "May I ask a question?" which she answered no to. It developed into her attacking me, feeling misunderstood, feeling like there is too much focus on her, etc. Should I take it personally?
She also writes that she understands why I feel overlooked and understands me, but I don't feel that in the situation. I understand with my question that it was a wrong approach since she can feel it as a threat, an expectation to answer, a demand, etc. I wrote some long messages trying to explain, show my understanding and acceptance of the situation, and she ends up getting anxious and stressed. I feel frustrated that I can't explain myself because she can make assumptions about situations that I don't agree with. Now I am left with irritation, feeling misunderstood and unheard.
She is also going through a hard time, have the flue, feels burned out at the moment so there are many things that can trigger her and she can unmask, and I wish she would tell me how she feels because I don't know if it's because of those things or something else, and I can't even ask her because then it's a question that can create pressure.
I also cannot judge whether I appear weak by conceding and saying I understand, and I will implement it, or if it's better to express my frustration. I only want to appear understanding and show her that I accept her feelings and frustrations, that I listen to what she says, that I don't want to focus on her, and I don't want her to perceive me as weak. I hope she understands that I mean it with respect. She is not a friend or a child, but a grown woman, and I want to learn how to balance when to stand up for myself, express myself, and when to show understanding, acceptance, and "surrender."
For those of you in a relationship with a woman with PDA or for women, how do you balance your understanding while still expressing your dissatisfaction with a situation?
I hope you understand what I'm asking for, even between the lines.
Thanks in advance.
Good morning Mawen, I am Number.
PDA is bewildering and impacts simple things, complex things, emotional things, practical things......and therefore everything.
It is inexplicable, mysterious and strange. It comes and goes as it pleases. Triggers in adults are chimeras.
It is self-defeating and philosophically abstruce and involuted.
With these things in mind, you will hopefully appreciate that your perfectly fair and reasonable request for guidance on this matter is somewhat dead in the water.......but it gets less hopeful than that (in terms of you being able to understand and accommodate a sufferer of it) because......
PDA is broadly dismissed by the vast majority of clinicians, diagnosticians and mental health professionals as "not being a thing." This dismissive attitude extends out into the various communities most closely allied to similar manifestations of these types of behaviours and thoughts [such as this one here] and certainly pervades "normal" society. PDA is a profoundly lonely condition.
If the person of whom you speak (who has PDA) is self-aware and accepting of the affliction, then there is no reason for you to give up on them (in my opinion), but you almost certainly will need to be a very centred, understanding and accommodating human to thrive with them - and most importantly - you must not be the type to "take things personally!"
I think that the MOST ridiculous thing about PDA (and the thing that is MOST diagnostically useful) is that it impacts tasks that you REALLY want to do, have full capacity and competency to do.......but still find yourself inexplicably unable to achieve. It is very bizarre and peculiar. Needless to say, this aspect is wholly relevant to the consideration of a relationship.
With the greatest respect to you, I note that much of what you have written above relates to how much you should "put-up with" and when you should "stand your ground".......with the implied belief that your actions will somehow influence the PDA sufferer in a predictable or appropriate fashion. I do not believe this to be the case. I would recommend that you do what you feel you must do - you are both adults. Don't over think this (I do hope you're not autisitc?.....or else that is like asking someone with no legs to stand!).
The above is merely my interpretation and understanding of PDA. Others will have different perspectives about it. Most information you can find is squarely aimed at understanding young children - there is very little aimed at adults. You will come across resources about PDA (in adults) on the interweb thingy, but there is no stand-out resource that I could reasonably recommend that you won't find simply by the power of Google.
..........So here's the good news for you........sufferers of PDA are undoubtedly unique for some reason. If you believe in black and white, light and dark, yin and yang then there is some substantially glorious and equally impenetrable, mysterious, enigmatic and inscrutable "stuff" that accompanies sufferers of PDA that must be OVERWHELMINGLY positive. If you are capable of perceiving that "stuff" - or better still - can harness it to mutual benefit and happiness, then the PDA simply becomes a counter-balance to those overwhelming positives that undoubtedly exist (in my opinion) deep within the obscura of the soul.
I hope the above is somewhat helpful to you in some respects. I wouldn't hold out for a late deluge of other contributors to your thread....but as I often say.....there is always hope.
With my kind regards and best wishes for you both.
Number.