Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Folks
I am a newbie to any forums, I have just got to the stage I need advice, and don't know where to turn. Please excuse any mistakes I might make.
My daughter was diagnosed at about 15 as being on the ASD spectrum. Since then we have had no official help. She can be very tricky but she is also a lovely girl that I am very proud of. She is now 19. Many people don't really realise she is on the spectrum as she is so good at masking when out and about, and anyone she meets says what a lovely girl she is. She had massive burn out in 2020/2021 - during A' levels which resulted in an Functional Neurological Diagnosis. I think this was connected to the stress of being at school, as it seems to have cleared up. She did get in to uni, but has interrupted during her second year for several reasons. Sorry - just a bit of background! She now living at home with no real aim. She has got a part time join lined up for the summer and some sailing on Tall Ships - her obsession.
She can be really lovely, but sometime she can be horrid/judgmental and generally hard to live with. This is only ever directed at me and her younger sister (who is 18) It behaves as if she she is right all the time - whatever she had done, and can not see why we are upset or why we think her actions are unfair. For example last night - lovely - joking about videos she was watching, including me in the joke etc. This morning - horrid. Shouty, rude, expecting us to do everything for her, unwilling to help at all, left the house without saying goodbye (which I have always made a point doing) She isn't really doing much with her time at the moment - working 1 day a week in a garden by herself, seeing 1 friend occasionally. Hates public transport, doesn't like driving the car....so wont leave the house... won't walk from the house as she has hang ups as it was the way to school.
My problem is that I sometimes get angry with her behaviour. I hate that I do it, but seem to be at the end of my tether most of the time at the moment. And I don't know how to help/make things better. When ever I try to talk to her about the situation, she says 'yes' then carries on as before. We live in a small house, she doesn't clear up after herself, she will often sleep until midday then do nothing, but expect me and her sister to make tea/shop/do the washing etc - which she just watches videos. ( I work full time and have a slipped disc, my younger daughter is in the middle of A'levels and has a 2 part time jobs) She expects us to change our clothes as soon as we walk into the house and will just shout about it until we do, she will hold a grudge. She will grudgingly help on her own terms in her own time, then expect something in return - it is always a bartering system.
Sorry for the rant - I really do love her but I find it harder and harder to like her at the moment and I would just like some advice about how to handle the sitiuation - to make it nicer for all of us, as I don't think she is happy either.
Thank you in advance. K
Sounds a lot like me at that age (minus the disappearing in the night to go drink). (I was diagnosed as a little kid tho.)It sounds like she could use a therapist to help with the anxieties, and an autism sensitive coach to help get her life back on track. I know the first one exists frequently, but depending on where you are and what your budget is the second might be harder to find.Unfortunately there is 2 things here that (at least from my personal experience) only came with age:Love is not transactional, and, somethings you expect of others are just not realistic and need to be adjusted.
NAS85463 said:My problem is that I sometimes get angry with her behaviour. I hate that I do it, but seem to be at the end of my tether most of the time at the moment.
Remember you are allowed to walk away and have 10 mins to yourself if it starts getting to boiling point. As it's genetic chances are you are also on the spectrum and that means you need to care for yourself too.
NAS85463 said: I really do love her but I find it harder and harder to like her at the moment
Sounds like my dear old Dad: "I don't always like you, but I always love you."
NAS85463 said:She has got a part time join lined up for the summer and some sailing on Tall Ships - her obsession.
I think this could be the key to getting her out of this slump, really lean into her special interest and once she's achieved it the boost to her self esteem will make a good stepping stone to cope with the other stuff, as long as there is support in place to maintain it.If I can think of more after re-reading later I'll add it, but best of luck for now and I hope that helps somewhat.