Hello again.

Gilly,

I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through cancer together.  That must be so awfully scary and stressful.  I'm sending love and hugs. 

I've decided not to go for a diagnosis as I feel I am understanding more about myself and gaining more support and friendships on here than any diagnosis could give me.  The diagnosis could provide access to financial help and support services depending on where you are though.  That's the only reason why I put my 11 year old daughter through for an assessment so she could access support if needed.

I feel this is a safe space to air everything because everyone understands how it feels to be Autistic and misunderstood by society.  I am 46 and only just really realising after a long period of denial that I am Autistic which's why I understand my daughter so well.  It's so tough after a lifetime (you'll know this more than me) to come to the realisation that everything you thought you were was not the case.  I've realised that I've been holding up a "perfection/happy/helpful/supportive" mask to try and not be rejected by others.  It works very well but the difficulty is, it makes me feel inside that I am not accepted for who I am because I hide what I perceive to be the "broken" and "unacceptable" parts.  I get ill masking so much.

If I totally unmasked, I'd be singing a lot, dancing to music in supermarkets, hugging people who looked sad and farting loudly if I wanted because I think it's funny.

I am unmasking more with my daughter and my family which feels so liberating but obviously I still have to perform for the outside world otherwise I'd be carted away as those behaviours are not accepted in society as we all know.   I always have to check if hugs are acceptable to friends, when I work out that they think farting is funny, it's their funeral.  When I am happy, I sing and dance in the supermarket subtly which feels great.

My point of being overtly open is to show you how comfortable I am on here being myself.

Virtual hugs if they help.  If that's not your bag, I'm sending loving kindness vibes.

You are kind. Thank you….. reading this helps me this evening. 
One reason I guess I now want to know is because since my thirties I’ve been plagued by the label of a woman with “mental illness”. 
It would help me tremendously to hear that my sometimes difficult way of thinking is because of autism. 
Like you, I’ve spent a lifetime of masking which eventually forced my hand into leaving my teaching career. 
Sadly, I’ve felt a “nobody” since retiring. 

Gilly,

I know that feeling so well.  I was crying this morning because I was thinking the same thing.  I share this story about me to show you I get it and not to make it about me as is often thought.  I've realised that my style of communication (sharing my story to show empathy) is the way Autistics do it.  I find it liberating to be uncovering more about communication, an obsession of mine!

It's no wonder you are feeling lost.  I'm sure there were many aspects of teaching that gave comfort to you as much as you had to mask for the "what was expected" part. 

My Daddy was an English teacher and had to take early retirement because of a severe breakdown which I now understand as a shutdown.

The positives now are that you can do teaching your way but in a different capacity if you feel ready.  If it burnt you out too much, perhaps this is a time to embrace what you don't have to do anymore? I find nature calms me.  I have a tree I sit under and watch the river go by.  The sounds and fresh outdoor smell feels like an embrace to me.

Sending warm vibes of acceptance for a fellow Autistic in their struggles.  I get it.  You are not alone in that sense.

Hello 

Oh this is like I’ve found my little corner of the internet/ world that understands me. Thank you. 

Oh this is like I’ve found my little corner of the internet/ world that understands me. Thank you. 

Hello