Beauty

Hi there, you're not alone in feeling this way. It's completely normal to have insecurities and feel like you have to compare yourself to others constantly. However, knowing that everyone has a unique beauty is essential, and it's unfair to compare yourself to others. And if it's easy to change something you dislike, go for it. For example, I had a lip filler recently at https://onsitemedspa.com/med-spa-services-in-calabasas-ca/microneedling-treatment-in-calabases-ca/, and I've never felt better. You should also try it!

It does seem that way to me now. I am pretty sure it's a real memory not a dream, I can usually tell the difference. I might have to ask my friend if she remembers it too. I do not recall which teacher it was.

AuTriker said:

I recall one horrible time in senior school, back in the 80s when I was a teenager, in a lesson, they put all the chairs in a circle and told us to sit in order of attractiveness and then everyone could chip in and tell people to move up or down until the order was agreed.

That is psychological/emotional abuse. 

Not exactly. I decided long ago that I didn't care. Up to a point of course, not quite sure what this and it probably depends on context.

I recall one horrible time in senior school, back in the 80s when I was a teenager, in a lesson, they put all the chairs in a circle and told us to sit in order of attractiveness and then everyone could chip in and tell people to move up or down until the order was agreed. How awful that the teacher actually did this! Thinking back, I am actually shocked as it seems so inappropriate. We also did it for intelligence and maybe one other trait I forget. But for the attractiveness one I chose to sit in the lowest seat to announce I don't care and also then if anyone moved me up fine but they couldn't make me feel bad by moving me lower!

I am also very triggered by makeup and find it revolting to look at on other people (especially around the mouth, in the same way I loathe looking at for example a pic of a small child with food smeared round its mouth, or drooling, or people cleaning their teeth) although I cover up my reaction so I don't think anyone knows how I feel about it unless I've told them. It's certainly not something I would ever use. I hate having my hair touched and now cut my own. I'm glad it doesn't look like a bird's nest but would probably still do that even if it did... How did I ever find a husband?! In fact I was not single for more than a year or two since uni. I think I am probably average looking in fact.

I do dislike some things about my appearance and try to cover those up or position myself in such a way they are less obvious, so I guess I must care a bit. I am also quite interested in clothes, though not in terms of what is in fashion or out. I don't mind how other people look either for the most part. So I guess i am somewhat bemused by why people care so much.

When I was younger, say in my teens up until my 30’s I hated how I looked, I felt people stared because I was ugly. All I could focus in was my face, how my nose was too big, lips too big, dark circles under my eyes, everything! It was incessant. I couldn’t stop. Very unhealthy behaviour. Let’s not even go into how I perceived my body and how I used to hide myself in clothes all the time.

However, unlike you, I never felt like I had to look a certain way nor to look my best. From other peoples comments, I would look good in a potato sack, but I didn’t believe them. I always dressed appropriately for the situation and nothing more.

I was very over critical of my appearance, just as I was with everything else, and that can be something that occurs in autistics. I didn’t start to see myself differently until I had some CBT for social anxiety. A side aspect of it made me think about what I really look like to other people. And how I should believe the compliments, as why would someone give a compliment unless it was necessary? When I started to ‘un judge’ myself, things got easier. It did take a while. A long while. I was my own worst critic. Needlessly.

It seems I am actually attractive. That’s why people stared and continue to do so. When I get a compliment it makes me uncomfortable,  but I will give thanks, and know that it is their truth. I still don’t rate my appearance, and try not to dwell on it. Life is too short yo consume so much energy in something so insignificant.

Think about your parents, or a friend, or partner. How do they really see you? If you don’t already know, ask them. They will think everything about you is lovely, because you are. We are all different. We look the way we are supposed to, and that is OK. You have to embrace it, and work with what you have, but don’t make the mistake of trying to emulate others. 

Imperfections make us unique. They give gemstones value. Perfect gemstones are not naturally made and not worth much. This is the same with art. There's nothing like a trip to an art gallery to redefine how to perceive and curate beauty. Beauty is an internal structure spilling over into it's exteriors. We desire hidden imperfections. 

This is the best advice I received: Create a synchronicity and alignment of who you are internally and it will spill out. Begin to seek out beauty in the world around and it will find you. This may sound a bit metaphysical, but there is a difference between something which is 'easy on the eyes' and something inspiring. Beauty inspires and gives beauty to those who are in it's presence. 

In reality, philosophers have searched for an understanding of beauty in the ground work for understanding Aesthetic. What I've found is that Aesthetic is directly related to Ethics. If this sounds of interest to you, perhaps you have more ahead of you in creating aesthetic within the world around.

For now, a practical idea would be to catch your thoughts, which many times contain learned information we've been dictated and decide what you'd rather think about. This is not an easy task, it will take repeating back to yourself how you'd rather see the world. We all think negatively of others. Judgement is a type of indulgence or creepy pleasure. It makes one feel a type of power over. But it also depletes the human soul. Actively seek out ways of being and perceiving the world, actively seek beliefs which you feel are attractive and begin to understand what makes them attractive. What makes other beliefs repellant. These are of a great deal more value than external beauty. But that doesn't mean you can't indulge in a new lipgloss or manicure. It simply means to allow your own beauty to spill out of your soul into your external being :) 

Thx Martin so much!

Thx so much Dawn this was really helpful n made me feel lots better about myself and how im looking :-)

People who have insecurities about their appearance are almost always more inherently attractive as human beings than those who are vain and entirely convinced of their own physical charms.

No, but I can kind of see this reaching beyond many young women's concerns about looks and tapping into Autistic perfectionism too.

It may not feel like much use, and a bit cliche, but you know both perfection and beauty are in the eye of the beholder.  There were occasions in my youth when I mentioned to male friends that I thought a particular girl was very attractive or beautiful, as was shocked that they said..."errr, she's nice, but no way my type and I don't think she's pretty."  I think it really is the case that one person's 'pretty Kitty' is another's 'plain Jane', if you remember that rhyme.  

The other thing I'd put money on being true is some of those other girls feeling a bit unattractive but looking at you and envying some of your features.  I had a friend with a lush mane of dark tight curls that I would have died for.  That many women paid to perm in.  She hated them and was forever trying to straighten them out.  But she had such beautiful hair, bless her.