Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I am looking for your opinion about a situation I find my child in. He is 8 and has been diagnosed with aspergers/high functioning autistic. He has piano lessons a couple times a week but his teacher and mum have branded him as willful and stuborn because he does not want to practice or does not follow their instructions. He crys whenever he practices because of how confrontational things get, and because of how frustrated he is.
I have now been labelled as weak for suggesting that the teaching is too harsh and that maybe piano is beyond his abilities.
I am trying to be the best dad I can be for him but sometime I don't know if I should be pushing harder or easing up.
Hi there,
I have Asperger's - though I only found out in middle-age! I started piano lessons when I was 19. The first teacher was an irritable older man who was forever snapping at me for making mistakes. This took me straight back to the classroom - a horrifying place - and so my mistakes got worse and worse. In the end, I stopped going because he made me feel useless. A couple of years later, I found another teacher. With trepidation, I had a 'taster' lesson with him - and I'd found the right person! He was patient with me. He allowed me to experiment with some different pieces. He didn't force me - as the other one had done - to study for Grade exams. Under his tutelage, I learned an awful lot and finally began to play with some proficiency.
My experiences - in all areas of my life - suggest that it's less about the person learning as about the person teaching. It sounds to me as if your son simply has the wrong teacher. His teacher - and, from the sounds of it (unfortunately), your wife - are seeing your son as the problem. He's not! He has certain needs that require a certain approach. Pushing harder with him in this situation is not going to help him. Rather, he needs someone teaching him who can take him on his own terms - and preferably someone who understands autism and the needs of people who have it.
How does your son manage at school? Does he get special teaching there? Unfortunately, 'stubbornness and wilfulness' are often labels that are pinned on people who (because they don't have teachers who are qualified or experienced enough in dealing with such behaviours) do not seem to respond in the way most other people might. I had all of those labels, too - plus 'disruptive', 'dreamy', 'unsocial', 'inattentive', 'hopeless'. I went on to get a degree, though, and to take my piano Grade exams (even though I'm still not much good at the piano!) - mainly because I found the right teachers to work with.
Sorry to be blunt with this. But I hope it can help in some way to hear someone else's experiences in this regard.
Best of luck,
Tom
Hi Tom,
Thank you. I appreciate you relating your own experiences, it is exactly what I need to hear.
And what you have said makes sense and aligns with my view on the matter.
Sadly my son is not getting much support at school. Being part of class of 30 does not help. He spends most of his time reading rather l than participating in lessons. He just failed year 3 because his output was too low for them to maje a propery assessment. I think the reading is a safety mechanism because he is struggling with the class environment.
Best of luck to you.