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Mixing my daughter with my friends kids?

squidgy

My 4.5 yr daughter has epilepsy and ASD (actual/detailed diagnosis in couple of weeks) and is roughly two years behind her peers. She doesn't have friends at school because she is still at the stage where she plays alongside rather than with the other kids.

My local mummy friends are always getting together with thier kids etc and since her epilepsy diagnosis I have been left out of invites, either to stuff with or without the kids. Add to it the ASD symptoms and she is obviously hard work to mix with other kids.

I am really down about it all at the moment and have got to the stage where I just can't listen or see my other mummy friends I made when H was born because all their kids are doing 'so great' at school and they keep on about it either to my face or on say facebook. Does my head in and I am now feel I don't actually want to mix H with them anymore cos the kids are just horrible to her, and it breaks my heart to watch, plus I just have nothing in common with the parents anymore.

Am I doing her an injustice by keeping her away from them or should I be thicker skinned and put her into these normal situations?

  • I think you have said many true things there Wendyocd.  I think as long as the child is happy it does not matter what activity they are doing and they don't necessarily see it as missing out I am sure.  We are often not invited to "events" because of our 3 yr old, but as you said Wendyocd as it does save on excuses and it would only be stressful for him. 

    As for other people, I collect his older brother from afterschool club when all the other parents have gone to avoid parents and their staring/gossiping.  I am used to their reaction now but still get upset inside sometimes.  The friends I see most (and that is not often) are the understanding ones and the ones who support me and my son, and accept us.  I also remind myself that all is not rosy for other people.  They only post the good stuff, which is what these sites are for. They probably have a mountain of worries and grief like everyone else, but would never share it on a site.  I have to work hard to be happy for them, because it is not their fault that we have our difficult situation.  

  • My son will be five this year and started infants last September. All the mums are sympathetic to his autism but I/he doesn't get invites to parties and such. Personally I'm not too bothered as it saves me making excuses as to why we can't go as I know he'd have difficulty with all the noise and crowded atmosphere and he wouldn't enjoy himself.

    Don't see it as being cut off from others but more embracing the person he is and enjoying how he likes to be. My son loves anything to do with water, ranging from dancing around in the garden trying to catch the rain in his mouth, swimming at the local pool, going to the local sea life centre or spending the whole day at the theme park only going on the ONE ride the WHOLE day long (the Log Flume) then that's what we do during the holidays and weekends. He might not be playing football out on the back fields with the other kids on the street or be playing computer games with my friends children but he's not interested in those things and as long as he's happy, I'm happy.

    I understand you're probably feeling left out and lonely but as long as your child is happy and not themselves feeling left out and lonely, then don't let it get you too down.

    I know how you feel about the facebook statuses but there's nothing you can do about it and just remind yourself that they're not doing it to personally get to you.

  • This is the type of thing where one door closes another one opens. I have found more better friends through G's Autism it just takes time and effort and greater distances. 

    It is heart breaking in so many ways but everyone has their own cross to bear.

    I don't put my son in nasty situations but if it does happen will help him try to adapt. It's this adaptation that will help him cope in the future especially when I am not there.

    Don't want to be the bearer of bad news but developmentally bullying I think starts in Y3 so you have worse to come and she will have to cope some how.

    I have come to expect not to be invited to birthday parties and shunned in the playground but I know the friends I do have are good ones.

    There will be lots of opportunities for 'normal' situations you don't have to do all of them.

    I feel for you at the moment but once you have come out the otherside you will be stronger.

  • Thanks - good to hear it from someone who has 'gone through it' so to speak!

    Lots of people have said to try and explain to my friends how I feel but the kids won't understand and will still be mean to her so I do wonder if it's worth bothering. Hopefully she will be starting SN school sometime this year, and I am gonna get her on some playschemes over the holidays for SN kids so maybe I will meet some likeminded parents and she will make some friends too.

    xx

     

  • Thanks - good to hear it from someone who has 'gone through it' so to speak!

    Lots of people have said to try and explain to my friends how I feel but the kids won't understand and will still be mean to her so I do wonder if it's worth bothering. Hopefully she will be starting SN school sometime this year, and I am gonna get her on some playschemes over the holidays for SN kids so maybe I will meet some likeminded parents and she will make some friends too.

    xx

     

  • Drop them. Seriously, unless you want your daughter growing up thinking badly of herself or worse, never trusting anyone ever again, invest in finding her some new friends. There's got to be some kids out there who'll happily be friends with her. I mean, even try mixing her with younger kids of the same mindset. I'm 17, been diagnosed for a few months and hanging out with all the younger kids in SEN with ASD is great fun. We all talk, sometimes get a bit over the top but it doesn't bother anyone. Its great. And they're all about three years younger than me at least!

    I hope you find some new friends who are real friends, and some for your daughter. Good luck.