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Is it me?

butty438

Hi all,

By way of introduction, I have a son just about to turn 18 and he was misdiagnosed for many years with what turned out to be Aspergers.  This actual diagnosis literally only happened 18 months ago.  He is a brilliant kid with a wicked sense of humour and clearly has a very high functioning ability.  His biggest issue however being, he point blank refuses to accept anyone else's opinion once he has fixated on what he believes to be the answer/solution.

I am estranged from his mother and after what was a very nasty divorce, I have had to build bridges with my boy.  I was for a while the anti-christ as my ex constantly bad-mouthed me and as much as he hates to admit it, this naturally had an effect on his opinion of me.  Knowing this isn't a divorcees rant forum, my biggest concern is what happened this week.

For his 18th he wants a birthday party at my house and we had been planning it and were very much looking forward to it.  In true Aspergers style, he had planned it to the n'th degree but when I questioned something, he went into a complete meltdown with the end product being he told me he never wants to see me again and we're finished.

There are two elements in play here: 1.  his mother lets him do whatever he wants for a peaceful life which I can fully understand as she has him 24/7 and I don't and 2.  as a parent, I don't believe he should get his own way so I am trying to add balance on this one.  Understandably, he sees this as me building walls to what he wants and the default setting of me being the anti-christ is resumed.

I am heart-broken as not a month ago he told me the second he leaves my house, all he can think about is coming back which made my heart lift.  So the question to you all is this:

Should I just give him what he wants if I want to see him or dig my heels in and teach him that life isn't that simple and sometimes you need to make compromises?

If it is possible, we were arguing by email and he literally comes back with the most complicated counter-arguments (one being him accusing me of trying to phsychologically impose my personality onto him) and as hard as I have tried to write a non-rant style email, he completely ignores what I say.

I explained that although he believes his logic wins any argument, even if he believes this, it doesn't make it the case.  I am at a loss and to be perfectly frank, I genuinely don't know what to do next and my heart is heavy because of this.  The party is now off and I am terrified as it is the 'big one' if he misses out on this plan he will never forgive me.

Any advice/guidance or a general slap round the back of the head would be greatly appreciated.

  • It definitely is NOT idiotic. Be kind to yourself.

    I had an appointment about my DD's sleep last summer, and was really looking for a way to fix her worries so she could fall asleep easily every night.

    We discussed various strategies and I eventually said to the occupational therapist "i just need to fix this anxiety for her!" and she replied, gently, "you can't fix this. You can help her, support her, be a person she is safe with. But you can't fix this." It was like being punched in the gut. But it is true. And actually bedtime is much easier and her sleep HAS improved just because I'm not reflecting the frantic back at her in my attempt to fix it.

    On the other hand my 2yo has a language delay, and I want to fix it! Currently we're learning makaton. Pouring energy in is never bad, just where we pour it can sometimes need adjustment.

    I don't think, as parents, that urge to help our kids, fix things for them, or even fix THEIR approach so their lives can be easier or happier, ever goes away. Sometimes it leads us to a battle we shouldn't be fighting maybe, but still. Definitely not idiotic.

  • Thank you so much for your insight as well GoBecGo; every day is a school day as I like to say.  Personally I get so upset that I am doing things wrong and then I fall into that 'I want to "fix him" all by myself' mode as I am his dad and dads can fix anything!!!!

    Idiotic I know but hey, as you say, we are human afterall.

  • As the parent and child of Aspies...i would say you need to plan ahead.

    As you get more familiar you will start to see things on the horizon that are going to cause problems.  You will start to know which situations your son will push the boundary, and you will be able to decide in advance what to do, then i'm afraid sometimes you just have to try and stay on the bronco through the storm!

    With my DD (who is only 9 but who is in the early throes of puberty already) i can generally predict where we're going to have trouble.  At the moment the main issue is video games.  I don't object to them generally but she hyperfocuses, can play them for hours AND (key to my objection) is utterly vile to everyone who is a threat to her focus when she's playing.  I mean i don't mind her playing for 3 hours, i DO mind her kicking her 2yo brother in the back because he walked between her and the tv!  We have actually already agreed, in advance, what is and is not acceptable and what the punishment will be if she does something unaccpetable.  One problem i think she has is that she really lacks imagination/insight into what i might think/say in a given situation (theory of mind).  SO when i  hand down a fairly logical consequence for a misdemeanor it can feel really shocking and horrific to her as she just didn't see it coming at all.  Possibly your son reacted so vociferously because he had no idea you would disagree with whatever it was and it was a big shock to him to have the spanner thrown in to that bit of his works?  Unless you have clear, consistent boundaries, and clear, consistent PREDICTABLE consequences (i mean ours are printed and laminated and everything :P) they can often be cruelly blindsided.  You can plan around that too, but it takes immense foresight and planning (and is one reason your ex might seem to give him whatever he wants, it's actually exhausting staying 3 steps in front of people who are often more intelligent and much quicker-of-thought than us NT's).  So i would stick to what you said if possible.  If not possible (as in, if you realise you've been unreasonable - it happens to us all, we're only human!) then you can climb down but have a conversation about it - "i said no to x, i realise now that might have been a little unreasonable of me, my objection stems from y, i hope you understand that even if i decide x-1 will be okay on this occasion, in general i don't like x at all and won't tolerate x or x+1 EVER".

    Another wee tiny thing...you mention being "black and white" about things yourself at times.  My dad has asperger's, as does my daughter and probably (he's not diagnosed yet, only 2, awaiting assessment) my son.  I have another daughter who is NT.  I HAVE TRAITS.  I don't have a diagnosable condition, but i undeniably have traits.  Being aware of them too can be painful but REALLY helpful.  WHen my DD is being blunt and rude i listen to my OWN tone - am i being blunt and rude too (sometimes!).  When my she is arguing to the Nth degree about something i listen to my responses - am i being a pedant as well (sometimes!).  It is challenging and, again, tiring, but it really helps.  As the adult it's easier for me to revise my tone, be the first to offer truce, back down from an unimportant detail in an argument.  We have a family joke stolen from Futurama - we say "i am TECHNICALLY CORRECT" and the other person replies "the best kind of correct" and then we laugh at ourselves.  It takes time and trust to come to that together, to be able to laugh at the situation and be friends again, but you will get there.  Best of luck.

  • Hi butty438,

    It's in no way meant as a criticism, it's just part of the community rules so don't worry Smile

    Sofie Mod

  • I will take the slap round the head thank you 4fatsausages!!!!

    I slept on the whole thing and although elements of his behaviour were unnaceptable and have been dealt with, I actually re-evaluated how I dealt with certain elements and came to the conclusion that as a military man, not everything is as black and white as dealing with subordinates in the Army (surprise surprise I hear you say)!!!!

    Sometimes I think I need to realise, not only does my son have Aspergers, he is actually still just a stroppy [removed by mod] teenager as well.

    Needless to say, we have kissed and made up, or should I say, we have started sending abusive messages again so all is well on this front.  I just needed a rant and thought there would be no better place to go than one full of people who 'get it'.

    I am however going to investigate help and assistance as this is relatively new to us all due to the misdiagnosis for so many years so I realise I need to know how to 'deal with "it"' alongside my own character traits and his 'teenager-ness'.

  • My apologies - definitely don't want to offend.

  • Hi butty438,

    I just removed a word from your post as it may offend some users. We encourage users to try not to use swear words in their posts. Information on this can be found here http://community.autism.org.uk/rules/commentingtips

    Sofie Mod

  • Im an Aspie and a single parent of an ASD 16 yr old. It sucks! My 16 yr old blames me for everything argues points etc etc You know you cant just give in. Yeah kinda easier short term. You want to be mates....maybe its the way to go....you can smoke pot behind the bikesheds next with him pml....  ;) 

    Seriously, I think you just need to hear it from another parent or Aspie.... If you mess with the rules THAT will screw up any confidence that YOU actually know anything or can guide him. I think you know that, its just shhhhh to be the one being hated. Im banking on it with my 16 though. Kids get their security from boundaries, ASD kids arguably more than the NTs.

    Speaking as an ASD teen (admittedly that grew up a while ago haha) I was horrible, I said foul things, I had outbursts and meltdowns. I thought I hated the adults who stuck to their guns. I love and trust them with my life now, and direct my kids to listen to them.

    Just my opinion.... but you did ask   :)

    Transition and change are hard for all kids, soooo much harder for us on the spectrum. For me personally, I wouldnt trust you if I were in the wrong and you didnt care enough to be straight with me. "you are wrong, I disagree, I can not support what you are doing AND I love you, I am here for you always" It is easy to take disagreement or argument or discipline as rejection..... emphasise the why you are doing it/saying it.

    My 16 has just come through a massive meltdown, pre GCSE to start college. Awful. Would have gone completely off the rails if I hadnt dug my heels in.....and I have had that from HIM!

    Hope it helps...if not, ignore me. Im often wrong. x