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Is it me?

butty438

Hi all,

By way of introduction, I have a son just about to turn 18 and he was misdiagnosed for many years with what turned out to be Aspergers.  This actual diagnosis literally only happened 18 months ago.  He is a brilliant kid with a wicked sense of humour and clearly has a very high functioning ability.  His biggest issue however being, he point blank refuses to accept anyone else's opinion once he has fixated on what he believes to be the answer/solution.

I am estranged from his mother and after what was a very nasty divorce, I have had to build bridges with my boy.  I was for a while the anti-christ as my ex constantly bad-mouthed me and as much as he hates to admit it, this naturally had an effect on his opinion of me.  Knowing this isn't a divorcees rant forum, my biggest concern is what happened this week.

For his 18th he wants a birthday party at my house and we had been planning it and were very much looking forward to it.  In true Aspergers style, he had planned it to the n'th degree but when I questioned something, he went into a complete meltdown with the end product being he told me he never wants to see me again and we're finished.

There are two elements in play here: 1.  his mother lets him do whatever he wants for a peaceful life which I can fully understand as she has him 24/7 and I don't and 2.  as a parent, I don't believe he should get his own way so I am trying to add balance on this one.  Understandably, he sees this as me building walls to what he wants and the default setting of me being the anti-christ is resumed.

I am heart-broken as not a month ago he told me the second he leaves my house, all he can think about is coming back which made my heart lift.  So the question to you all is this:

Should I just give him what he wants if I want to see him or dig my heels in and teach him that life isn't that simple and sometimes you need to make compromises?

If it is possible, we were arguing by email and he literally comes back with the most complicated counter-arguments (one being him accusing me of trying to phsychologically impose my personality onto him) and as hard as I have tried to write a non-rant style email, he completely ignores what I say.

I explained that although he believes his logic wins any argument, even if he believes this, it doesn't make it the case.  I am at a loss and to be perfectly frank, I genuinely don't know what to do next and my heart is heavy because of this.  The party is now off and I am terrified as it is the 'big one' if he misses out on this plan he will never forgive me.

Any advice/guidance or a general slap round the back of the head would be greatly appreciated.

Parents

  • It definitely is NOT idiotic. Be kind to yourself.

    I had an appointment about my DD's sleep last summer, and was really looking for a way to fix her worries so she could fall asleep easily every night.

    We discussed various strategies and I eventually said to the occupational therapist "i just need to fix this anxiety for her!" and she replied, gently, "you can't fix this. You can help her, support her, be a person she is safe with. But you can't fix this." It was like being punched in the gut. But it is true. And actually bedtime is much easier and her sleep HAS improved just because I'm not reflecting the frantic back at her in my attempt to fix it.

    On the other hand my 2yo has a language delay, and I want to fix it! Currently we're learning makaton. Pouring energy in is never bad, just where we pour it can sometimes need adjustment.

    I don't think, as parents, that urge to help our kids, fix things for them, or even fix THEIR approach so their lives can be easier or happier, ever goes away. Sometimes it leads us to a battle we shouldn't be fighting maybe, but still. Definitely not idiotic.

Reply

  • It definitely is NOT idiotic. Be kind to yourself.

    I had an appointment about my DD's sleep last summer, and was really looking for a way to fix her worries so she could fall asleep easily every night.

    We discussed various strategies and I eventually said to the occupational therapist "i just need to fix this anxiety for her!" and she replied, gently, "you can't fix this. You can help her, support her, be a person she is safe with. But you can't fix this." It was like being punched in the gut. But it is true. And actually bedtime is much easier and her sleep HAS improved just because I'm not reflecting the frantic back at her in my attempt to fix it.

    On the other hand my 2yo has a language delay, and I want to fix it! Currently we're learning makaton. Pouring energy in is never bad, just where we pour it can sometimes need adjustment.

    I don't think, as parents, that urge to help our kids, fix things for them, or even fix THEIR approach so their lives can be easier or happier, ever goes away. Sometimes it leads us to a battle we shouldn't be fighting maybe, but still. Definitely not idiotic.

Children
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