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Is it me?

butty438

Hi all,

By way of introduction, I have a son just about to turn 18 and he was misdiagnosed for many years with what turned out to be Aspergers.  This actual diagnosis literally only happened 18 months ago.  He is a brilliant kid with a wicked sense of humour and clearly has a very high functioning ability.  His biggest issue however being, he point blank refuses to accept anyone else's opinion once he has fixated on what he believes to be the answer/solution.

I am estranged from his mother and after what was a very nasty divorce, I have had to build bridges with my boy.  I was for a while the anti-christ as my ex constantly bad-mouthed me and as much as he hates to admit it, this naturally had an effect on his opinion of me.  Knowing this isn't a divorcees rant forum, my biggest concern is what happened this week.

For his 18th he wants a birthday party at my house and we had been planning it and were very much looking forward to it.  In true Aspergers style, he had planned it to the n'th degree but when I questioned something, he went into a complete meltdown with the end product being he told me he never wants to see me again and we're finished.

There are two elements in play here: 1.  his mother lets him do whatever he wants for a peaceful life which I can fully understand as she has him 24/7 and I don't and 2.  as a parent, I don't believe he should get his own way so I am trying to add balance on this one.  Understandably, he sees this as me building walls to what he wants and the default setting of me being the anti-christ is resumed.

I am heart-broken as not a month ago he told me the second he leaves my house, all he can think about is coming back which made my heart lift.  So the question to you all is this:

Should I just give him what he wants if I want to see him or dig my heels in and teach him that life isn't that simple and sometimes you need to make compromises?

If it is possible, we were arguing by email and he literally comes back with the most complicated counter-arguments (one being him accusing me of trying to phsychologically impose my personality onto him) and as hard as I have tried to write a non-rant style email, he completely ignores what I say.

I explained that although he believes his logic wins any argument, even if he believes this, it doesn't make it the case.  I am at a loss and to be perfectly frank, I genuinely don't know what to do next and my heart is heavy because of this.  The party is now off and I am terrified as it is the 'big one' if he misses out on this plan he will never forgive me.

Any advice/guidance or a general slap round the back of the head would be greatly appreciated.

Parents

  • As the parent and child of Aspies...i would say you need to plan ahead.

    As you get more familiar you will start to see things on the horizon that are going to cause problems.  You will start to know which situations your son will push the boundary, and you will be able to decide in advance what to do, then i'm afraid sometimes you just have to try and stay on the bronco through the storm!

    With my DD (who is only 9 but who is in the early throes of puberty already) i can generally predict where we're going to have trouble.  At the moment the main issue is video games.  I don't object to them generally but she hyperfocuses, can play them for hours AND (key to my objection) is utterly vile to everyone who is a threat to her focus when she's playing.  I mean i don't mind her playing for 3 hours, i DO mind her kicking her 2yo brother in the back because he walked between her and the tv!  We have actually already agreed, in advance, what is and is not acceptable and what the punishment will be if she does something unaccpetable.  One problem i think she has is that she really lacks imagination/insight into what i might think/say in a given situation (theory of mind).  SO when i  hand down a fairly logical consequence for a misdemeanor it can feel really shocking and horrific to her as she just didn't see it coming at all.  Possibly your son reacted so vociferously because he had no idea you would disagree with whatever it was and it was a big shock to him to have the spanner thrown in to that bit of his works?  Unless you have clear, consistent boundaries, and clear, consistent PREDICTABLE consequences (i mean ours are printed and laminated and everything :P) they can often be cruelly blindsided.  You can plan around that too, but it takes immense foresight and planning (and is one reason your ex might seem to give him whatever he wants, it's actually exhausting staying 3 steps in front of people who are often more intelligent and much quicker-of-thought than us NT's).  So i would stick to what you said if possible.  If not possible (as in, if you realise you've been unreasonable - it happens to us all, we're only human!) then you can climb down but have a conversation about it - "i said no to x, i realise now that might have been a little unreasonable of me, my objection stems from y, i hope you understand that even if i decide x-1 will be okay on this occasion, in general i don't like x at all and won't tolerate x or x+1 EVER".

    Another wee tiny thing...you mention being "black and white" about things yourself at times.  My dad has asperger's, as does my daughter and probably (he's not diagnosed yet, only 2, awaiting assessment) my son.  I have another daughter who is NT.  I HAVE TRAITS.  I don't have a diagnosable condition, but i undeniably have traits.  Being aware of them too can be painful but REALLY helpful.  WHen my DD is being blunt and rude i listen to my OWN tone - am i being blunt and rude too (sometimes!).  When my she is arguing to the Nth degree about something i listen to my responses - am i being a pedant as well (sometimes!).  It is challenging and, again, tiring, but it really helps.  As the adult it's easier for me to revise my tone, be the first to offer truce, back down from an unimportant detail in an argument.  We have a family joke stolen from Futurama - we say "i am TECHNICALLY CORRECT" and the other person replies "the best kind of correct" and then we laugh at ourselves.  It takes time and trust to come to that together, to be able to laugh at the situation and be friends again, but you will get there.  Best of luck.

Reply

  • As the parent and child of Aspies...i would say you need to plan ahead.

    As you get more familiar you will start to see things on the horizon that are going to cause problems.  You will start to know which situations your son will push the boundary, and you will be able to decide in advance what to do, then i'm afraid sometimes you just have to try and stay on the bronco through the storm!

    With my DD (who is only 9 but who is in the early throes of puberty already) i can generally predict where we're going to have trouble.  At the moment the main issue is video games.  I don't object to them generally but she hyperfocuses, can play them for hours AND (key to my objection) is utterly vile to everyone who is a threat to her focus when she's playing.  I mean i don't mind her playing for 3 hours, i DO mind her kicking her 2yo brother in the back because he walked between her and the tv!  We have actually already agreed, in advance, what is and is not acceptable and what the punishment will be if she does something unaccpetable.  One problem i think she has is that she really lacks imagination/insight into what i might think/say in a given situation (theory of mind).  SO when i  hand down a fairly logical consequence for a misdemeanor it can feel really shocking and horrific to her as she just didn't see it coming at all.  Possibly your son reacted so vociferously because he had no idea you would disagree with whatever it was and it was a big shock to him to have the spanner thrown in to that bit of his works?  Unless you have clear, consistent boundaries, and clear, consistent PREDICTABLE consequences (i mean ours are printed and laminated and everything :P) they can often be cruelly blindsided.  You can plan around that too, but it takes immense foresight and planning (and is one reason your ex might seem to give him whatever he wants, it's actually exhausting staying 3 steps in front of people who are often more intelligent and much quicker-of-thought than us NT's).  So i would stick to what you said if possible.  If not possible (as in, if you realise you've been unreasonable - it happens to us all, we're only human!) then you can climb down but have a conversation about it - "i said no to x, i realise now that might have been a little unreasonable of me, my objection stems from y, i hope you understand that even if i decide x-1 will be okay on this occasion, in general i don't like x at all and won't tolerate x or x+1 EVER".

    Another wee tiny thing...you mention being "black and white" about things yourself at times.  My dad has asperger's, as does my daughter and probably (he's not diagnosed yet, only 2, awaiting assessment) my son.  I have another daughter who is NT.  I HAVE TRAITS.  I don't have a diagnosable condition, but i undeniably have traits.  Being aware of them too can be painful but REALLY helpful.  WHen my DD is being blunt and rude i listen to my OWN tone - am i being blunt and rude too (sometimes!).  When my she is arguing to the Nth degree about something i listen to my responses - am i being a pedant as well (sometimes!).  It is challenging and, again, tiring, but it really helps.  As the adult it's easier for me to revise my tone, be the first to offer truce, back down from an unimportant detail in an argument.  We have a family joke stolen from Futurama - we say "i am TECHNICALLY CORRECT" and the other person replies "the best kind of correct" and then we laugh at ourselves.  It takes time and trust to come to that together, to be able to laugh at the situation and be friends again, but you will get there.  Best of luck.

Children
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