Horrendous situation

Hi longman

Thanks for your response I will look the book up.

I just typed a long response to your points but my computer lost it when I pressed submit - not logged in doh!

Will get round to recomposing it but regarding manipulation: If you have an AS child who has meltdowns: Ignore Ignore Ignore. Do not respond with heightened emotions, do not give them anything. If the behaviour is challenging quickly make safe then utterly ignore it. Doing otherwise will reinforce a bad pattern of behaviour that will escalate to levels in later years which will in the least frighten you and at worst end with possibly dangerous outcomes. I speak from bitter experience.

You will learn the early tell tale signs of an impending meltdown. That is the moment to absent yourself from the AS. You have to nip this in the bud at the first opportunity by reinforcing to them the fact that you will not stand by to witness their tantrums. They will start to exploit your fears at a surprisingly young age so don't let them see it.

Thanks again for your reply

Mp

If I might ask some questions, Makkapakka, did you only look for immediate triggers for item 5 - emotional outbursts that came out of nowhere?

There seems to be an established assumption that there is a recognisable trigger for meltdowns/emotional outbursts near the event, which is why parents are encouraged to keep diaries.

However there is another way of looking at this - that the outbursts are a response to build up of complex stresses that may be set off by something very minor, in effect a last straw. Hence the trigger as such is not really relevant

Hence were you aware of him having long established, deep-seated worries, unresolved issues, environmental stresses that kept him near explosion point most of the time?

Some of that environmental stress can be caused by bullying in schools, which may be subtler than conventional bullying, ranging from ridicule by classmates to people openly taking advantage of his difficulty.

Constant knocks, put-downs, humiliations are going to have damaging impact long term. Difficult to address in retrospect, but is there evidence, looking back that he was progressively worn down by 'insults' to his mental wellbeing, also monumental loss of self confidence and self esteem?

The point of learning is quickly lost since it doesn't fix the immediate distress.

There is evidence of people on the spectrum resorting to alcohol, initially in the hope of a social fix that never comes about, so only entrenches isolation and solitude. There is a book "Asperger Syndrome and Alcohol - Drinking to Cope? by Matthew Tinsley and Sarah Hendrickx (Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2008 ISBN 978 1 84310 609 8 - this number helps a librarian or bookshop find it).

Becoming manipulative is a defence mechanism against perceived sources of hurts.

Not a great source of comfort well down the line, but at 22 he is of an age where a road back is possible

My son now age 22 has Aspergers, diagnosed at 6 years.

Reading your post and from many years experience with my son, I am strongly inclined to agree with your pursuing a diagnoses on the lines of an autistic spectrum disorder. Key points in your post have striking similarities to what we experienced with my son:

1. Age when problems became apparent i.e. 6 - starting school. This is when AS first feel the pressure to fit in with everyone else and its painful for them because they don't.

2. Unable to sit in classroom for 5 minutes - my son was constantly being literally chased along corridors by teachers all through his school years.

3. Statemented.

4. Learning virtually nothing - in all his school years he bought home zero homework and finished school with zero qualifications.

5. Emotional outbursts - that came out of nowhwere.

6. Self harm.

7. Physical abuse to family

We were lucky in that CAMHS Psychiatrists virtually immediately gave a diagnoses of Aspergers. We had absolutely no idea what that meant at the time. Well we do now! Anyway well done sticking by your guns.

What we found later is that at 16 our son was discharged by CAMHS and basically thrown into the wilderness of adult care of which there is next to nothing in the UK. National Health Service are you listening?: N O T H I N G. In the six years from that discharge until now, his behavioural condition has deteriorated signifigantly I believe because he had no proper support from the mental health services. He has turned into a pathological liar and a scheming, arch manipulator of his family and friends and has turned to alcohol in a big way as well. I had to evict him from home because of his violent and disruptive behaviour and his constant calling of the police to the house which he used as a weapon against us. The shock of what has happened in the last few years has virtually driven me and my wife to the edge of insanity ourselves. Absolutely horrendous for the wider family as well. Today he is living in council provided B&B with zero social services support and he has just been released from the local crisis team mental health services back to his GP who is new to him and doesn't even know him! His life is utter chaos despite our extreme efforts to give and get him the help he needs. If I sat down now and wrote down all the drama and upset that has happened to him and us I wouldn't finish for a month and it would read like a badly scripted soap.

So to finish, sorry for the rant above but I hope you and your family don't have half the trouble we have had and good luck for the future.

This is a story that reoccurs every so often and is not uncommon.  Utterly shocking,on CAMHS books for 10 years!!! I hope you get all his medical and educational records before they get misplaced!!!! Utterly shocking ... What do you think NAS ??

This story is horrendous and now has me worrying to death, i took my son to a&e last week after he threatened to kill himself once again, and i was told i needed a break and would be reffered for respite!

So we are awaiting to hear whats going to happen, but after reading this i dont think i will be seeking help again, which is so so sad, because there are so many people like us out there, maybe fortunately for me Cahms have said he needs to be asesed properly for Asd and hes been discharged as its not a mental health issue, hes clearly on the spectrum.

I dont get why in this country its so hard to get help for your child? if your child had diabetes or cerebal palsy or a broken leg you would get help, this is the part i and so many other parent find difficult to understand.

Thank you for you nice comments.

All charges have been dropped but the damage has been done as he read the initial report and it was absolutely horrific!

He breaks off contact for months at a time and itsbreaking our heart.

The whole process has destroyed us as all we ever wanted what was best for him and he kept begging us to get the thoughts out of his head and he wanted all of his questions answered as to why he behaves like he does.

How they could get it so wrong is a worry and I fear for future families who are going to be put in the same situation as us.

I'm sorry to hear your story, I'm outraged, but sorry to say completely unsurprised. Sadly, it's all too familiar for me. I've worked alongside Social Services, and found that they're either excellent or appallingly bad, at about a 1/99 split. I've attended case conferences as a professional, and so often had to sit and seethe at what I call it the uneducated opinions of little middle class children with degrees, and I get very very impatient with it.

Such failings are, of course, inexcusible. The pain, anguish and complete lack of help, sympathy and understanding are the key underlying issues - they start from a point of view that you're 'guilty', they stack up all the supporting evidence for it, but worst of all is that they haven't the intelligence to consider the opposite view, that you might just be their innocent victims. Then, when they find out that they can't sustain their view, that a better, proper opinion contradicts them entirley, they can't kiss your *** enough.

Creeps.

I'd urge you to make the strongest possible complaint about your family's treatment. An independent panel should be set up to look into this. They won't always tell you all of the outcomes, but you can at least hope that they 'get' a learning point from this. I think it is very much associated with the general treatment that AS people get from the general public, but Social Services have to be so much better than that, not join in with some pack of baying hounds, like a Jeremy Kyle audience.

Lastly. You're absolutely right - nothing can ever take away the horror of what they have done or the situation as it continues. Personaly, I'd throw everything back at them that they've ever said, but I'm AS and I remember everything, accurately. If your son is AS, he'll always carry a memory I'm afraid, but if he and you get the right help and support, hopefully he'll be able to come to terms with it in a way that suits him