Fed Up!

Hi Chelsea,

Welcome to the forum! You have posted your question onto someone elses thread about their own problems. Coulld you create a new discussion by going to community.autism.org.uk/.../parents-carers and copying and pasting your question in a new discussion thread that you can start there.

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hey im Chelsea, mum of 2 with another on the way (yikes) i have a son at almost 3years & a daughter of 9months.

my son got a probable diagnoses of ASD at 18months and was officialy diagnosed in october 2014.

lately he appears to be angry all of the time and has started to lash out at me for no apparent reason, ive tried to let it go over my head but its getting me down at the moment. my husband has to respose but he doesnt mean it, he doesnt understand. i know everything hes saying is correct but it just feels as tho he hates me if that makes sense?

he has porridge for breakfast but lunch and dinner is mash/veg/chicken or fish but it has to be blended if it has lumps he wioll gag and then refuse to eat which can go on for up to 14days. same if theres to much carrott or to much broccolli he refuses to eat it ( i know this is a good diet compared to others) but what really is getting to me is family members saying i have to give him his dinner (food) like any other child of his age and when hes hungry he will eat it!! he doesnt thats the thing ive tried doing that and had no luck whats so ever. he still uses a tommee tippee bottle and i get the same with that. give him a cup he will drink when hes thirsty!! do they not understand that it isnt that simple! do they not understand i have tried all this!! i tell them over and over and all i get is. your his parent he needs to know your the boss??

my husbands family is the worse for it. where my son is non-verbal and doesnt respond to his name or give eye contact they make comments like hes naughty, he doesnt like his name, hes being rude. how much can you repeat and repeat yourself over and over again before you feel like your gonna snap and throttle them !!! any advice on how to handle in laws?

some days i feel as though they are ashamed off him. my parents dont understand to much but they try and they see my son regulary ( almost daily) but m husbands parents dont bother with him but when they do come round they are all over my daughter? would it be fair for me to stop contact until they learn to accept him and treat him the same as his younger sister??

sorry for the rant!

Agree with everything RS says.

But am also curious about your fiance. Do you live together, and if so, for how long? Does your fiance's son also live with you, and how old is he? Has your sons' behaviour deteriorated dramatically since your fiance has been involved with them?

The bit about "whatever I try backfires.. he will still point out something negative they did in the past" gets alarm bells ringing. Is he controlling or critical with you also? How does he treat his own son?  

Being criticised constantly is guaranteed to upset any child, and your sons may also be copying your fiance's bad behaviour. If this is the case, it sounds like he is in need of some therapy himself! 

Hi Leanne,

Our hearts go out to you with all your problems at home this Xmas.

At 9 and 10 they are old enough to know better but it seems that you need reinforcements to explain to them that they can't treat their mother like that. you need to have some rules agreed by everyone in the house that include no hitting on either side. To reinforce this message you could enlist the support of the local police who may agree to make a home visit with a PCSO to explain to them that they must not assault you and really have to stop or they will end up being taken into custody or into care. I suspect that a very visible show of authority may make them think twice. The police may want to help you bring them under control as they really don't want them developing into delinquent teenagers as they get older.

The other thing that I suspect needs to change is that, whilst nobody else in the house understands your point of view, you perhaps can't really see the world from their point of view either. I'm an aspie but I'm also a parent so I have every sympathy with your problem of trying to keep order. I can also see that we react very negatively to control but we are much more amenable to good environments. Somehow you may need to change your management of them from one of control to one of leadership. Do you have black and white rules in the house that everyone can sign up to that covers the things that need to happen (attendance at school, no violence, no breaking stuff). Other things like keeping rooms tidy etc (i.e. less essential tasks) can be done on a more positive reward or encouragement basis. Have you tried keeping a chart with gold stars and let the one with the most stars at the end of the week get to choose where you go for a trip out (cinema or something). This may help divide and conquor - if one gets the chance of getting something special then you might have one on your side and the other may come around more slowly. You have to be fair but this way you reward good behaviour. Bad behaviour has to be understood and sanctioned too but don't do this by taking stars away, do this by grounding e.g. making child sit quietly at the kitchen table with everyone else sent somewhere else.

Have you attended one of the courses that are run for parents of autisitc children?

Have you looked at the benefits that are available for helping to manage with children with disabilities? A number of other people on the forum get this for their autistic children.