Fed Up!

Hi Leanne,

Our hearts go out to you with all your problems at home this Xmas.

At 9 and 10 they are old enough to know better but it seems that you need reinforcements to explain to them that they can't treat their mother like that. you need to have some rules agreed by everyone in the house that include no hitting on either side. To reinforce this message you could enlist the support of the local police who may agree to make a home visit with a PCSO to explain to them that they must not assault you and really have to stop or they will end up being taken into custody or into care. I suspect that a very visible show of authority may make them think twice. The police may want to help you bring them under control as they really don't want them developing into delinquent teenagers as they get older.

The other thing that I suspect needs to change is that, whilst nobody else in the house understands your point of view, you perhaps can't really see the world from their point of view either. I'm an aspie but I'm also a parent so I have every sympathy with your problem of trying to keep order. I can also see that we react very negatively to control but we are much more amenable to good environments. Somehow you may need to change your management of them from one of control to one of leadership. Do you have black and white rules in the house that everyone can sign up to that covers the things that need to happen (attendance at school, no violence, no breaking stuff). Other things like keeping rooms tidy etc (i.e. less essential tasks) can be done on a more positive reward or encouragement basis. Have you tried keeping a chart with gold stars and let the one with the most stars at the end of the week get to choose where you go for a trip out (cinema or something). This may help divide and conquor - if one gets the chance of getting something special then you might have one on your side and the other may come around more slowly. You have to be fair but this way you reward good behaviour. Bad behaviour has to be understood and sanctioned too but don't do this by taking stars away, do this by grounding e.g. making child sit quietly at the kitchen table with everyone else sent somewhere else.

Have you attended one of the courses that are run for parents of autisitc children?

Have you looked at the benefits that are available for helping to manage with children with disabilities? A number of other people on the forum get this for their autistic children.

Hi Leanne,

Our hearts go out to you with all your problems at home this Xmas.

At 9 and 10 they are old enough to know better but it seems that you need reinforcements to explain to them that they can't treat their mother like that. you need to have some rules agreed by everyone in the house that include no hitting on either side. To reinforce this message you could enlist the support of the local police who may agree to make a home visit with a PCSO to explain to them that they must not assault you and really have to stop or they will end up being taken into custody or into care. I suspect that a very visible show of authority may make them think twice. The police may want to help you bring them under control as they really don't want them developing into delinquent teenagers as they get older.

The other thing that I suspect needs to change is that, whilst nobody else in the house understands your point of view, you perhaps can't really see the world from their point of view either. I'm an aspie but I'm also a parent so I have every sympathy with your problem of trying to keep order. I can also see that we react very negatively to control but we are much more amenable to good environments. Somehow you may need to change your management of them from one of control to one of leadership. Do you have black and white rules in the house that everyone can sign up to that covers the things that need to happen (attendance at school, no violence, no breaking stuff). Other things like keeping rooms tidy etc (i.e. less essential tasks) can be done on a more positive reward or encouragement basis. Have you tried keeping a chart with gold stars and let the one with the most stars at the end of the week get to choose where you go for a trip out (cinema or something). This may help divide and conquor - if one gets the chance of getting something special then you might have one on your side and the other may come around more slowly. You have to be fair but this way you reward good behaviour. Bad behaviour has to be understood and sanctioned too but don't do this by taking stars away, do this by grounding e.g. making child sit quietly at the kitchen table with everyone else sent somewhere else.

Have you attended one of the courses that are run for parents of autisitc children?

Have you looked at the benefits that are available for helping to manage with children with disabilities? A number of other people on the forum get this for their autistic children.