Help. Need Advice please.

I think there's loads of good sugestions been made, and I hope you can sort it out.

This discussion has made me look back and realise how I was taken advantage of quite a few times in shared houses in the past.  Though to be honest I think in some cases it didn't bother me that much! In some cases I was not that aware of it at the time: it was overcrowding and noise that got to me. At Polytechnic (as mine was back then...) I was never in halls. I moved quite a bit.  I think the most important thing was having secure private space.  It's OK saying you should try and improve how you deal with problems, but you need your space to retreat to. If you haven't got a place you feel safe I think you need to move.

That book looks very appropriate and I see that it is available as an ebook for immediate download. :-)

I agree that there are obstacles in the way of a solution but I think that this needs to begin to be addressed very urgently. He has not got through his first term yet and already he is finding it very difficult. It sounds as though the university have support people in place and I think resolving this problem has to be high on their to-do list.

His morale needs to be reconstructed and I think that grasping the nettle of the bullying issue could be the first step in turning the situation round. Obviously he has to solve the accomodation problem but I would hate to think of him ending up in another flat with another set of flat mates who were no more enlightened than his current set.

The difficulty lies in being on the autistic spectrum. The skills needed are pivoted around social communication and social engagement.

If you have a full understanding of how these things work against you, and are able to stand back from this and examine how you could make positive changes to how you approach situations. But the communication and socialisation disadvantages will remain as obstacles. Good self analysis might ameliorate the difficulties.

Such action is possible if you are at the abler end of the spectrum. Unfortunately while some of us are fortunate to be less handicapped, most on the spectrum have much more disability and difficulty. They cannot as easily segregate the issues and stand back from them. AND, as I keep pointing out, bullying doesn't figure in a lot of published information about day to day living with autism. Getting good advice is so much harder.

There is literature, such as "Asperger Syndrome and Bullying - Strategies and Solutions"  by Nick Dubin (Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2007) which is by someone with Aspergers, who was bullied, and is now a highly qualified academic in Detroit. This book really does address all the questions you are raising, and is really worth getting hold of, albeit based on American contexts.

But in the current context, while getting better able to address bullying might help Max's son, the immediate difficulty is his degree course is about to collapse because he has been so demoralised by the bad accommodation circumstances. Curing Max's son's vulnerability to bullying is long term, if indeed it is fair to say that that is attainable for him.

What is needed here are solutions to the accommodation problem so this student doesn't end up withdrawing from his studies.

longman said:

It is wrong to suggest it is Max's son's fault, and it is down to him to sort it. Just as it is quite wrong to keep suggesting on here that parents' difficulties advocating for their children might be because there's a history of autism in the family, and the difficulty might be because they are at fault. That's not helping people with autism.

I am sorry if people have misunderstood what I was trying to say. I have not suggested that this is the son's fault. I raised the question of bullying and in my mind that suggests that I do not think that it is the victim's fault.

On the subject of the family history of autism. I think it is massively useful to understand the family history and circumstances when looking at an individual.

In both cases I am much more interested in explanations rather than excuses or laying blame. Explanations lead to solutions that can be made to work. Excuses and blame lead to recrimination, antagonism, strife and stress.

In the current case, it seems to me that the person best placed to make changes is the victim. He is a victim but he is not powerless. He is the wronged party but he also has a voice. It seems to me that it would be awful to carry on being a victim for the rest of his life when there are ways and means of learning better approaches to situations.

Another issue here is if it is a new university, especially one of those which originated as a Christian foundation. I raise this as they are often places that make a lot of use of private sector flats, having only recently increased student numbers, and needing purpose built accommodation faster.

I'm not casting aspersions on Christian foundations per se, but some of these institutions put the overall wellbeing before Christian duty - that is, are more likely to try to brush under the carpet any potential scandal, than act in a Christian manner towards the injured party. So you might find they haven't set up proper harrassment policies, and aren't helpful in resolving the issue.

Some of the new universities are very switched on and progressive. Some unfortunately still linger in the Dark Ages, having been strict teacher training colleges, with no mixing of the sexes, and supposedly a hard line on bad behaviour, until within the last decade.

However university status and rapid expansion, while trying to symbolise a modern university, doesn't necessarily pull these institutions into the 21st century, and some are now struggling, as they don't have the infrastructure to address student issues on their present scale.

I raise this because as I read it, the university has been invvolved either as student services or accommodation office in finding the other flat, but ought immediately to have addressed the harassment. A Russell group university probably would have followed this up, but the lack of response might indicate a fledgling university still run on Christian principles - this doesn't work with the numbers, diversity and complexity of universities.

I know that's a peregrination on my part, but it is a valid one.

Marjorie's suggestion is a good one, and I wish I had thought of it rather than flapping around on the detailed rules of student accommodation and the Equality Act/university harrassment policies.

Check the contract first though, swapping may not be that simple. Also one reason for the harrassment may be they don't want a disabled student who doesn't fit in landed on them. They may therefore have spread stories around the other flats, and swapping could be quite difficult. You may find the other flats in the block aren't any more friendly about taking on a flatmate who doesn't fit in.

As I understand it the contract allows a substition from outside, so that might be propitious as regards a swap between flats. 

Although substitution can be a solution, it can be problemmatic. The person who takes over probably has to be a student, who may already have contractual committments. There may be people living at home who want to get to live nearer campus. But the social networking involved isn't necessarily an easy option for someone on the spectrum. You'll probably find hall/flat livers and home livers don't mix that much, simply because home livers don't hang around outside class times.

I wonder if there is a posibility of swapping rooms with someone in a similar flat. My experience of bullying is that telling the bullies to behave can lead to a cold hostile exclusion, which is little better. He needs to be with a different group of people altogether. I think it likely that there would be someone else who is not entirely happy with the people they find themselves with, and a room swap could give a fresh start. Perhaps someone in authority could arrange it. Maybe a notice could be put on a central notice board, asking if anyone would like a swap. Then having a word with the new group might give a better chance of things working out.

There is a way forward. All universities should have an equal opportunities policy. These do vary a bit and it is difficult to make a generic statement about where to find the policyy on their website and what it should contain. I looked up University of Reading, where I found it oddly under "Health and wellbeing" (not the obvious place I'd have thought). It is in the Tutor's Handbook, so one way Max's son can act is to ask his personal tutor to show him the Equal Opportunities guidelines given to staff.

It specifically addresses this under Harassment (this may be different at other universities, but it will be somewhere).

"Allegations of harrassment or bullying are one of the more complex problems that a student may bring to his or her Tutor, or an employee may confide in a colleague. Such actions may relate to the actions of a student or a member of staff".

"The University's anti-harrassment policy is clear and is contained in the policy statement on harrassment which says that incidents of harrassment will be regarded extremely seriously, and may be grounds for disciplinary action, which may include expulsion or dismissal."

They then cite the Equality Act of 2010 which refers to anyone engaging in unwanted conduct related to the other's characteristic or where the conduct has the purpose or effect of violating the other's dignity...... also covers sexual harrassment....and anything that creates an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment as a result.

All universities MUST have something like this enshrined in their EO policy statement. I don't think a distinction can be made because it was in private sector flats, as many universities now rely on private sector flats, there must be a carry over. And I know some universities would suspend studies in the case of what Max's son's fellow students have done to him.

If the university doesn't act on a complaint it risks damaging its credibility as a safe place for students, including overseas students, and at the present time that it a risk they cannot afford.

I think Max should a s a p, contact the University on behalf of his son to make a complaint of harrassment. Nominally his son should do it through his tutor, but this case of harrassment needs brought to the attention of the Vice Chancellor.

If, and it is a possible interpretation, the university knows of the circumstances and hasn't upheld this part of the act, the university could be in serious trouble. That's why Max should ideally contact the vice chancellor.

OK Reading University is Russell Group high profile, and there are some universities not as diligent, but I think this needs pursuing.

I also looked up Reading University's policy statement on harrassment, which more wordily expounds these issues. It asks for mediation in the first instance and students to use a Students' Complaint Procedure, and gives guidelines for this. Reading between the lines Reading University would like it kept low profile and quickly resolved, and a lot of universities will play it that way. The university provides harrassment advisers as a first port of call.

As I say this will vary from university to university.

I don't agree with other posters suggesting these fellow students aren't evil. What Max describes, even if the definition of autism doesn't properly cover this aspect of the disability, what the flatmates have done is vile. They have created a degrading (making him keep his food in the cupboard under the sink) humiliating (making him do everything quietly) and offensive environment. Any responsible university would be well rid of such students.

Sorry, I do find these assertions baffling. You make a stand and people will stop taking advantage of you........

I don't know the circumstances that Max describes about his son's life in a student flat. But I can surmise....

They've taken his cupboard and fridge freezer space, and made him use the cupboard under the sink to keep his food. they've obliged him to stay so quiet that he daren't even flush the toilet.

Recombinantsocks is suggesting that he should recognise it as bullying, recognise he has inner strength, understand that his persecutors are immature and deserve pity, realise it is possible to stop the bullying, stand up to them and politely ask to have his rightful share of things.........??

At a guess I'd reckon Max's son has probably tried that. It probably added to his flatmates' entertainment. What Recombinantsocks seems to be saying is that it is the person on the spectrum's fault he gets bullied. Its the autistic person's fault. It's for the autistic person to toughen up. I've heard all that before.

Being bullied is a very common experience for people on the spectrum. It arises from being different, from having communication difficulties that make it difficult to be assertive in a social context where people who let themselves be easily browbeaten are a laugh for those more able.

The tragedy is that definitions of autism don't adequately explain this vulnerability to bullying. And as long as this lack of adequate recognition of vulnerability to bullying persists, people on the spectrum will continue to get bullied.

What Max's son's flatmatres have done to him is disgraceful. But it happens because they think it is funny they can so easily take advantage of his vulnerability.

It is wrong to suggest it is Max's son's fault, and it is down to him to sort it. Just as it is quite wrong to keep suggesting on here that parents' difficulties advocating for their children might be because there's a history of autism in the family, and the difficulty might be because they are at fault. That's not helping people with autism.

I think a solution to this is for his support worker to go and confront and educate his flat mates about autism. If they can be made to understand things from his point of view then they may be able to become his support group rather than his antagonists. If they really are evil people who are deliberately bullying him then they should be evicted but I very much doubt that this is actually what is happening. He will be feeling vulnerable and bullied but it probably isn't a conspiracy.

If he goes into a new flat then everyone needs to learn from this situation and make the ground rules clear before he is thrown in at the deep end again.

longman said:

I love the idea that you can stop bullying by raising your hand and saying "I will not accept any more of this"....huh....

Bullying of people on the spectrum seems universally misunderstood. You get bullied because you are socially inept, easily taken advantage of, and an easy source of entertainment if prone to meltdowns or other over the top reactions.

The causes are clearly explained by Longman and we do not defend ourselves well because of an inability to think on our feet and an inability to easily survive the rough and tumble of many social situations.

Bullying can, however, be stopped, it is NOT an inevitable part of our lives. Max's son will not be able to get through his course and then survive in the workplace unless he develops some strategies. He cannot just walk out of situation after situation and hope that it will magically get better.

I over simplified the way to deal with this so here is a more complete recipe for dealing with it.

Step 1. Recognise that the bullying is happening.

Step 2. Know your strengths and be confident that you are worth something more than being the subject of the bullying.

Step 3. Understand that bullies are not evil, master criminals who are scheming to attack you. They are generally immature people who fall into bullying because they don't know any better. they deserve your pity and absolutely nothing else.

Step 4. Believe that it is possible to stop the bullying.

Step 5. Stand up and stop people from walking all over you. Ask people politely to give you back your rightful share of tings. Don't resort to violence or shouting or threats. Learn to use silence to let people think about what they are doing.

Step 5 is hard, really hard. But it is not impossible and once you have done it once then the second and third times will be easier.

I love the idea that you can stop bullying by raising your hand and saying "I will not accept any more of this"....huh....

Bullying of people on the spectrum seems universally misunderstood. You get bullied because you are socially inept, easily taken advantage of, and an easy source of entertainment if prone to meltdowns or other over the top reactions.

And before someone shouts "but autism is a disability" bear in mind that the Triad of Impairments says little about this - these experiences are outside the official definition.

I was bullied from Kindergarten until I left school, and at many times in the workplace. I'm a big lad, I can handle myself physically, I have a commanding bearing and can get what I want - in most things. I was not bullied because I was weaker. I was bullied because I was a laugh.

I struggle in social situations and often miss the point. When stressed I repeat myself a lot, lose coherence, and fail to get my intentions across - I've had to learn to keep calm and get out the way if I feel I'm getting stersessed, but that's easy to say. I react badly to complex noise and visual environments. People seem to have no difficulty identifying that it they make loud noises and wave their arms around me I get distressed. That's a laugh.....for some people.

The trouble is that sort of thing isn't covered by the Triad of Impairments (which was developed as a diagnostic tool not a guide to living with autism -as it is used by so many professionals and NAS). Many people on the spectrum suffer on this account, without any protection or consideration.

I suspect Max's son is entertaining for his flatmates. Making him suffer by being overly silent, even not flushing the toilet, is probably a great laugh. They laugh because he is manipulable and exploitable. And accounts of autism do not cover this, so they perceive his vulnerability not to be about disability.

Student accommodation contracts aere real contracts - they aren't easy to walk away from. This is a long standing problem where there is incompatibility between sharers of any kind. Some contracts allow you to find a replacement to take over the rent, but not all.

The problem with accomodation is universal even in universities with good disability support, the support tends to be legally worded as academic, and may specifically exclude social support. And accommodation unfortunately counts as social. It is especially difficult, where increasingly nowadays, it is private sector provision. There seems to be little grasp of the Equality Act (as especially manifest where overseas students are accommodated together - as if they'd rather be with "their own kind" than mixed in with the general student population - some universities put all disabled students in one building), let alone disability, and as you can expect, especially not autism.

However, given you discussed this need in advance, so they took on responsibility and have duties under the Equiality Act - just getting through the legal process is the problem.

Courtyard buildings are a known problem, so why do they keep building them? Well it gets more rooms. But they do reverberate any noise, including the perennial jokers who put their super hi fi on the windowsill and share their foul musical tastes with everyone else.

I've known one case where a student with autism was put in a flat of girls, where it was supposed they'd be calmer than boys - which of course was far from the case.

Student accommodation for students on the spectrum is a constant problem, and can, as in this case seemingly, be the ruination of a course of study.

The NAS web pages on Higher Education,  "Education, Meeting the needs of students in FE and HE", does briefly mention "making specific accommodation arrangements" under Practical and Pastoral Support. But the problem is few universities translate that into real accommodation support, and as I indicated above, their interpretation of the Equality Act doesn't seem to extend outside the teaching environment. 

Even in campus halls, cleaners and janitorial staff, residential tutors and wardens aren't necessarily included in staff training for disability awareness - even less likely in private sector accommodation, despite increasing use of this to provide student flats. You would think that would be obvious, but no it isn't (in some universities note takers aren't eligible to attend courses on disability unless they go in their own time and pay for the courses themselves). There just seem to be universal blind spots.

Given this is so often a make or break point for people on the spectrum attending university, nothing ever gets done. And NAS sadly seems oblivious, despite my repeated attempts to point out that their web pages are at least ten years out of date, and don't adequately address what is happening.

The problems encountered by Max's son are so common, yet the answers remain difficult. You may have to pay the rent to the end of the contract even if he no longer stays there. You may still have to pay a share of breakages (believe it or not). There isn't any come back usually against bad behaviour by flatmates. The whole system of student accommodation as regards disability is a rotten mess, but if organisations like NAS remain indifferent and oblivious there is little hope of any improvement.

This problem is not really about accomodation contracts, it is about bullying. Unfortunately your son has not yet learnt to avoid being bullied and his flat mates are not mature enough to look after someone who deserves their assistance rather than anything else.

I came across a book the other day that was something like 50 things to avoid doing at work. One of the items was learning not to lie down to let people walk over you. This had a powerful affect on me as I have been bullied at work and have had numerous disputes. Realising that the bullying can stop if you raise your hand and say I will not accept any more of this is the most powerful thing that your son needs to learn.

As an alternative to arguing about the contract you could complain about the behaviour of his flat mates and have them thrown out or otherwise sanctioned for making his life more miserable.

I don't know, but I'd suggest going to the Citizen's Advice Buraeu (can't seem to remember how to spell that, sorry!).  Also have you informed the university of what is going on?  They might be able to put presure on the landlord.

I'd be very tempted to go ahead and get him into that flat (before someone else takes it) and just refuse to pay the rent at the old place.  I think there's a good chance the landlord actually wouldn't chase you as it sounds like you have good grounds for saying he's not fulfilled his end of the bargain.  He might well just write it off and not risk going to court.  And there's a good chance they'd get someone else in. But I'm not a legal expert...