I can't be the mum she needs

Try and focus on your daughter's strenghts. I want to tell you soon your 3 year old daughter will be at school to and you raised a 5 year old to school and your youngest child is on the way. I looked after children for over 10 years my sisters children and many young children are picky eaters and not all are autistic. One of nephews would just eat bread, cheese and drink milk. He is a well rounded eater now. I knew he was wonderfully sensitive though as soon as I started looking after him.

She is diagnosed yes, it became very apparent in year 5 that she is ASD and she was going to need help at secondary school. She can mainly access all her learning, her needs are social and emotional. Her primary school did an amazing job and she gets the support she needs at high school, but it would be much more tricky and complicated without a diagnosis. In my experience, I would start the process now, we only just got her done in year 6, and that was going private.

I can't tell you any one thing that helps, it's a process and journey for both of you and the whole family. Understanding definitely came for her and us with a diagnosis, which helped. I try constantly not to match her energy, let her calm down, then most of the time she returns feeling much more sorry. I get this far from right every time! Seeing progress over the years helps, and again understanding that it happens, but at a much slower rate than 'regular' social/emotional development. Finding the small things that work (a suncream she likes the smell of and can tolerate etc.) 

Please please try and be kind to yourself. What would you tell a friend in your position who is trying their best? Give yourself a break

Thank you so much for that. There is 100% fear involved! 

Is your daughter diagnosed ASD? Im certain my daughter is autistic but I dont know whether to start the process now or wait a couple of years and just try and get it sorted before secondary school. It was starting secondary school that really messed with my head so I want support for her before that happens. 

What sort of things did you find that help you daughter?

Thank you so, so much for your reply. 

Sweet Pea hugs

Hi (Kat?)

I wish I could speak to you directly to tell you much of an amazing mum you are and how much you clearly care. I know, because I have really been where you are. Your daughter is 5 and the story you tell is so familiar to when my daughter was 5. She is now 12. There are so many things that will get better and other new challenges will appear. 

You are just trying your best, and while you clearly feel guilty about flipping your lid, these emotions too come from a place of care and concern - probably with a bit of fear mixed in too. 

Let me know if you to chat more directly on email/whatsApp - I find it so comforting talking to other mums who go through what we go through. I know you feel like a bad mum, but clearly you can't be because you care. No mum is perfect and none of this is easy.

Sending you much love  

Thank you so much for your reply. She loves music so putting something on when im cooking would probably really help. 

Ill have a look for the podcast and I try reversing her socks. 

Ill try asking my partner again to step up. 

It's very hard being a mum, especially being autistic and having autistic kids. 

I think there are a few methods for coping. One easy one is accepting you don't have to be the perfect mum, with kids that eat their veg and have a 'good' diet. Find the foods she's happy eating and try not to stress, if she doesn't eat veg, will she have fruit, or vitamins, or at least cereal which has vitamins added so even a small bit is enough. It's not perfect, but she's eating. Sometimes I put the veg in little bowls buffet style and encourage them to have it but not force. Then it's not wasted on their plates, but they were offered and it's available. 

There was a thread on here about socks, I remember the mum said turning them inside out made a huge difference. (Clothes are silly in a way, the seems are inside so they look nice but feel terrible, reversing it makes a lot of sense!).

Random noise is hard, especially in the car or when you are stressed getting to many the dinner they won't eat. I find those times hardest, if you have a partner who can can tag you out at that point helps, sometimes putting music on that they like and I find okay enough means the noise is less random. 

Also finally, if your getting annoyed, try take a moment and imagine yourself at that age and what you would find fun/helpful. Seeing them feel seen and heard can be rewarding too, like with all your efforts you are giving back to yourself and you would have wanted it. 

It's honestly not easy, keep on trying your best, and do user the forum to help with ideas. Finding things that give you time out (like when I'm tired, letting them watch while they eat dinner gives me some relax time). Yes there is mum guilt, but if you need it to get by, everyone will be better for it. 

Maybe even discuss with your partner (or a relative who could help), to make sure you get at least an hour a week to yourself, even if it's up in your room while the kids get looked after?

Best wishes. (And I've been finding listening to calm voices on podcasts helps a lot too). 

Dear Kool_kat, 

Thank you for your post. You have many things pulling you in different directions at the moment and also need some time to acknowledge your own diagnosis. I am sure members of the community will be able to offer further advice but if you have a few moments may I signpost you to our advice and guidance pages which hopefully help you. 

After diagnosis

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/diagnosis/after-diagnosis

Autistic fatigue and burnout

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/mental-health/autistic-fatigue

Family relationships:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/family-life-and-relationships/family-life

You could also try the directory to see of there is any further support in your local area

www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory

I really hope something there helps. 

With very best wishes, 

Anna Mod