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I can't be the mum she needs

Kool_kat

I got diagnosed about a month ago. Part of the reason I went for the assessment was because I see my little girl (age 5) struggling like i did. She reminds me so much of myself. 

I desperately want to be the mum that I needed as a child but I genuinely dont think I can.

I get frustrated at her random noises.

I get annoyed when she complains about feeling the seams in her socks and then refuses to wear them.

I get annoyed when she will only eat beige foods.

Im exhausted from constantly getting up in the night with her because shes anxious. I try so, so hard to be patient and give her the reassurance that she needs but I need sleep too. 

I am trying so hard and I usually start the days off ok. But by 5pm when ive spent all day being overwhelmed, masking, being touched by my 3 year old etc, I just can't keep calm. And that's usually when she needs me the most when shes home from school and needs me. 

I dont know what to do. I know im a terrible mum. 

Parents

  • Hi (Kat?)

    I wish I could speak to you directly to tell you much of an amazing mum you are and how much you clearly care. I know, because I have really been where you are. Your daughter is 5 and the story you tell is so familiar to when my daughter was 5. She is now 12. There are so many things that will get better and other new challenges will appear. 

    You are just trying your best, and while you clearly feel guilty about flipping your lid, these emotions too come from a place of care and concern - probably with a bit of fear mixed in too. 

    Let me know if you to chat more directly on email/whatsApp - I find it so comforting talking to other mums who go through what we go through. I know you feel like a bad mum, but clearly you can't be because you care. No mum is perfect and none of this is easy.

    Sending you much love Two hearts 

  • in reply to Jojo40

    Thank you so much for that. There is 100% fear involved! 

    Is your daughter diagnosed ASD? Im certain my daughter is autistic but I dont know whether to start the process now or wait a couple of years and just try and get it sorted before secondary school. It was starting secondary school that really messed with my head so I want support for her before that happens. 

    What sort of things did you find that help you daughter?

    Thank you so, so much for your reply. 

Reply
  • in reply to Jojo40

    Thank you so much for that. There is 100% fear involved! 

    Is your daughter diagnosed ASD? Im certain my daughter is autistic but I dont know whether to start the process now or wait a couple of years and just try and get it sorted before secondary school. It was starting secondary school that really messed with my head so I want support for her before that happens. 

    What sort of things did you find that help you daughter?

    Thank you so, so much for your reply. 

Children
  • in reply to Kool_kat

    She is diagnosed yes, it became very apparent in year 5 that she is ASD and she was going to need help at secondary school. She can mainly access all her learning, her needs are social and emotional. Her primary school did an amazing job and she gets the support she needs at high school, but it would be much more tricky and complicated without a diagnosis. In my experience, I would start the process now, we only just got her done in year 6, and that was going private.

    I can't tell you any one thing that helps, it's a process and journey for both of you and the whole family. Understanding definitely came for her and us with a diagnosis, which helped. I try constantly not to match her energy, let her calm down, then most of the time she returns feeling much more sorry. I get this far from right every time! Seeing progress over the years helps, and again understanding that it happens, but at a much slower rate than 'regular' social/emotional development. Finding the small things that work (a suncream she likes the smell of and can tolerate etc.) 

    Please please try and be kind to yourself. What would you tell a friend in your position who is trying their best? Give yourself a break Two hearts