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I can't be the mum she needs

Kool_kat

I got diagnosed about a month ago. Part of the reason I went for the assessment was because I see my little girl (age 5) struggling like i did. She reminds me so much of myself. 

I desperately want to be the mum that I needed as a child but I genuinely dont think I can.

I get frustrated at her random noises.

I get annoyed when she complains about feeling the seams in her socks and then refuses to wear them.

I get annoyed when she will only eat beige foods.

Im exhausted from constantly getting up in the night with her because shes anxious. I try so, so hard to be patient and give her the reassurance that she needs but I need sleep too. 

I am trying so hard and I usually start the days off ok. But by 5pm when ive spent all day being overwhelmed, masking, being touched by my 3 year old etc, I just can't keep calm. And that's usually when she needs me the most when shes home from school and needs me. 

I dont know what to do. I know im a terrible mum. 

Parents

  • It's very hard being a mum, especially being autistic and having autistic kids. 

    I think there are a few methods for coping. One easy one is accepting you don't have to be the perfect mum, with kids that eat their veg and have a 'good' diet. Find the foods she's happy eating and try not to stress, if she doesn't eat veg, will she have fruit, or vitamins, or at least cereal which has vitamins added so even a small bit is enough. It's not perfect, but she's eating. Sometimes I put the veg in little bowls buffet style and encourage them to have it but not force. Then it's not wasted on their plates, but they were offered and it's available. 

    There was a thread on here about socks, I remember the mum said turning them inside out made a huge difference. (Clothes are silly in a way, the seems are inside so they look nice but feel terrible, reversing it makes a lot of sense!).

    Random noise is hard, especially in the car or when you are stressed getting to many the dinner they won't eat. I find those times hardest, if you have a partner who can can tag you out at that point helps, sometimes putting music on that they like and I find okay enough means the noise is less random. 

    Also finally, if your getting annoyed, try take a moment and imagine yourself at that age and what you would find fun/helpful. Seeing them feel seen and heard can be rewarding too, like with all your efforts you are giving back to yourself and you would have wanted it. 

    It's honestly not easy, keep on trying your best, and do user the forum to help with ideas. Finding things that give you time out (like when I'm tired, letting them watch while they eat dinner gives me some relax time). Yes there is mum guilt, but if you need it to get by, everyone will be better for it. 

    Maybe even discuss with your partner (or a relative who could help), to make sure you get at least an hour a week to yourself, even if it's up in your room while the kids get looked after?

    Best wishes. (And I've been finding listening to calm voices on podcasts helps a lot too). 

Reply

  • It's very hard being a mum, especially being autistic and having autistic kids. 

    I think there are a few methods for coping. One easy one is accepting you don't have to be the perfect mum, with kids that eat their veg and have a 'good' diet. Find the foods she's happy eating and try not to stress, if she doesn't eat veg, will she have fruit, or vitamins, or at least cereal which has vitamins added so even a small bit is enough. It's not perfect, but she's eating. Sometimes I put the veg in little bowls buffet style and encourage them to have it but not force. Then it's not wasted on their plates, but they were offered and it's available. 

    There was a thread on here about socks, I remember the mum said turning them inside out made a huge difference. (Clothes are silly in a way, the seems are inside so they look nice but feel terrible, reversing it makes a lot of sense!).

    Random noise is hard, especially in the car or when you are stressed getting to many the dinner they won't eat. I find those times hardest, if you have a partner who can can tag you out at that point helps, sometimes putting music on that they like and I find okay enough means the noise is less random. 

    Also finally, if your getting annoyed, try take a moment and imagine yourself at that age and what you would find fun/helpful. Seeing them feel seen and heard can be rewarding too, like with all your efforts you are giving back to yourself and you would have wanted it. 

    It's honestly not easy, keep on trying your best, and do user the forum to help with ideas. Finding things that give you time out (like when I'm tired, letting them watch while they eat dinner gives me some relax time). Yes there is mum guilt, but if you need it to get by, everyone will be better for it. 

    Maybe even discuss with your partner (or a relative who could help), to make sure you get at least an hour a week to yourself, even if it's up in your room while the kids get looked after?

    Best wishes. (And I've been finding listening to calm voices on podcasts helps a lot too). 

Children