Friendships in autism

I am autistic. I now often spend my birthdays alone as I don’t have the energy to deal with seeing people and just want a relaxing normal day. It does make me sad though as my birthdays as a child were special- but not because of parties but because of the time spent with family. I think there is no right or wrong way to celebrate and if your son prefers to spend it with family I would honor that - it’s his special day. As a child we used to have my birthday party at this high ropes course in the forest I loved anyways- it was great because it was centered around an activity but not a group activity. We then had some cake and food there too. When I was a bit younger we also once had the party at a farm where you got to pet the animals and then baked pizza - so again it was quite focused on the activity- Thinking back I probably was much more interested in the activity than in seeing other people- maybe I would have even preferred it with fewer people or just with family. As I got older probably from 13 on we no longer did a party but just did something nice as a family (mum stepdad and I) like go out for a nice meal or even just spend it at home. I wouldn’t worry that much. It’s almost impossible to force yourself to be friends with people you don’t connect to and as an autistic person it can be harder to come accross likeminded people. I thought it was my fault and that I wasn’t trying hard enough to make friends at school as I had none at secondary school. At university I realised I just hadn’t met the right people and that making friendships can be very easy even for autistic people. Most of my friends are also neurodivergent (though I didn’t know that when we met). 

I would honor his wishes. And remember you are probably giving him a lot of security. At primary school I had a few friends (mainly met them through my mum) but after that I didn’t have any and a lot of my life centered around my hobbies (spending time at stables, cooking with mum) and my mum and I spent a lot of time together. I actually felt much more comfortable around adults from a young age on- not sure why.  I was sad at times that I felt excluded at school but I think no matter how hard I tried I could not have fit in and enjoyed it. It’s important to be able to be yourself and friendships that require a lot of masking don’t last and are not worth it in my opinion. The friends I have now are ones I am sure will last for life- I think this may be common with autistic friendships. I do wish I had found people like them sooner but it can be difficult. I think your son maybe just hasn’t come accross people yet he connects with. 

I don’t know if any of this helps. I can only share my own personal experience. 

I am not sure what to say. I don't think I ever had a party or did things with other people on my birthday as a child. I spent my 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th birthdays alone.

I think I only had one friend come to the house twice before I was 18 and went to uni. I only saw people at school, till about 16 or so.

But I have had a series of good jobs with large multinational companies. I have my own house, car, etc. and have travelled quite widely, although holidays are often subdued and outdoor focussed.

The point being that the current position does not preclude leaving home and being successful. You need to be able to interact with people to get information and get professional. This is very hard to start but gets easier. Just watch and learn the rules. With less banter, joking and fun at work, it has become ever easier to be a humourless robot. It is the modern way. Although of course you are still allowed a dry sense of humour.

Arguably, the modern world has made functioning alone easier than ever. You don't even have to leave your house to buy anything (although I buy stuff in real shops).

Whether it is a fulfilling life, I don't know. It would be nice to share it with someone, but not many people. But being manipulated by others is not great either, nor are fake friends that don't help. I don't think you can be forced to socialise. What you need is people with a similar outlook.

The things I liked were knowledge or experience related. Going to a castle was always good. A new encyclopedia. Books that were escapism related. Being outdoors in the country, trees or mountains. I always like the seaside, but rarely went.

Hello, no problem at all for the advice. I'm sure you'll work things out and you clearly care as you wouldn't be posting all this stuff on here! Best of luck to you and just be patient is the best advice I can give.

Hi Zoenut

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Making friends

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Best Wishes.

Christine Mod

Thank you so much for giving us some advice! Definitely doesn’t feel judgemental at all, the more advice we can get the better as we are struggling to come up with the best ways to help him navigate the world as it can be so confusing and overwhelming. I appreciate you sharing some of your experience too.
We struggle sometimes to understand what our son wants as he’s not the best at communicating his needs, I think somewhat out of fear for being ‘wrong’ so will often even mask with us which is something we’re trying to encourage him isn’t needed but I think will take a while. 

Thank you, I really appreciate the response! We have recently learned from our son that he does categorise his friends and will interact with them on a certain basis so maybe there is a bit of this. It’s not something we had thought about before as we are still learning and trying to figure out best the best ways to help him navigate the world. 

I definitely appreciate birthdays can be stressful and I think he may struggle because it’s a different routine. 

We’ll give the idea of looking into a group for an activity he likes and see if he is comfortable with giving that a go. 

Thank you, I really appreciate the response! We have recently learned from our son that he does categorise his friends and will interact with them on a certain basis so maybe there is a bit of this. 

I do hope he finds his tribe eventually, and we will definitely try the idea of suggesting something with a friend at a different point in time. 

thank you! 

Hi. My son is 18 and chose to celebrate his 18th birthday with parents. I understand that it is difficult looking to the future. My son finds friendships difficult. Looking on the positive, it is good that he wants to do something with you as his safe place. I have found I just need to be there for him and help him with skills for the future, as he is able to. It has been a challenge to assist with confidence with other people, including asking for help from other adults and is still work in progress, but there have been small advances.

Hi,

I only comment as I feel I have experience of being the kid more than anything else. I'm 42 and recently diagnosed as AuDHD and remember vividly not connecting with other kids at that age and often would rather be around adults rather than other kids my age. I guess the biggest thing I would stress is try not to force it. What might seem negative or not what you would like is not necessarily what he wants if that makes sense? My own Dad always says that he thinks I live a kind of half life not seeing people and just being by myself with my cats but i'm much happier and more comfortable living that way. One thing I would say is that I don't have much support and I am trying to work that bit of my life out and perhaps there is something in having people around you for that purpose. But yeah I think the biggest thing is to not force it and certainly accept that what might seem negative to you isn't negative for him. I hope that made sense and wasn't too wittery and certainly hope it didn't sound judgemental in any way! I have zero experience of having kids or anything like that I only know what its like to grow up 'different'.

I think one of the things that people around me (particularly my parents) found difficult to understand is that for me friends are very contextual like Cinnabar_wing says. I hang out with them in their 'contexts' so if it's a school person I only see them at school, a person at a club I see at the club, I just didn't see the point of hanging out with people outside of the context I knew them in, because doing that activity was the thing I did with them.

Even now, I probably only have 2-3 people total that I ever seek out to meet outside of their contexts, and that took until I was at least 16-18. I understand you're worried about him not interacting with people, but it does take time. 

Maybe leave the birthday for now (I always found birthdays very stressful) and think about finding activities he likes doing that he could join a group for. That's how I made all of my friends. 

Hey, thought I'd say something as I have an 11 year old boy, and I can relate to not wanting to see friends.

It can be context. He may feel they are for school and that is the context he is happy seeing them in, but doesn't particularly want to have that for his birthday, as that's family time and he wants to relax and not have to mask for his birthday. 

My son has had 2 parties, when he was 4 I threw him one as we had moved and was trying to help him make friends in the nursery - but it doesn't exactly work like that sadly. I did manage to do a laser combat party for him when he was 10, as he was getting on better with his class mates, and you do need others to do that. But every other year, what he wants most is a pyjama day, and just relaxing with his family and chose what he wants to eat.

But daughter has done more parties, but honestly they can mean you don't focus on the birthday child, as you are having to look after the friends instead, so they aren't always as fun for quiet kids. She has regretted having them.

When I was young, as my birthday was in the summer, I thought it was the best thing ever to not have to see people. I thought the summer holiday was for having a break from school, including school friends. I never could get my head around why those friends had then made other friends over the summer. I mean, I thought that time was for yourself! So it could be a bit of this perhaps.

One thing though, he might be more inclined to do something with friends when it's not his birthday. So keep his birthdays family events, but you could see if he'd like to do things with one friend at a time outside of his birthday? Worth a try?

The other thing to consider, he might be one of the group, but maybe feels like a background friend, it's another common experience. You can get by at school, but you don't feel you are truly yourself around them, so you don't want to hang out outside of school. Don't give up hope, as he gets older, he might find his tribe himself. Just keep on doing what you are doing with having options and be positive with what he wants.

Good luck, I hope he has a wonderful birthday!