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Friendships in autism

Zoenut

My son is 11 years old, in year 7 and struggling. 

He is verbal, but has always struggled most with the social side of things. He has never made a friend, in primary school he was assigned friends by his teacher and he has kept those 3 friends ever since and only those friends. 

it is his birthday in a couple of weeks and we are taking him to London as per his request on the weekend to celebrate. For his actual birthday we have tried to allow him a choice of a few options on what to do.
- Option 1: do nothing (have a nice calm normal routine day) 

- Option 2: arcade and food with 1 friend 

- option 3: arcade and food with all 3 friends 

- option 4: have a friend over our house 

He has chosen none of these, now saying he wants to do the arcade with me and his mother. 

As lovely as that is, it makes us sad to think he doesn’t want to celebrate with friends as this is a common occurrence we are coming across.

He never talks to or sees any friend outside of the school setting now he is in secondary school and we are not as involved in setting up his social circle. His school report says that he is not a team player and doesn’t interact with any of the other pupils and that he comes across quite isolated from the rest of the year group. He doesn’t have any interest in interacting with anyone apart from us and I’m worried that this will only get worse as he gets older. 

As his parents, we know he has a different way of think than us, and we may just not understand his thought process. But we are so worried about his future. Creating connections with peers of his own age is so important, and me and his mum aren’t going to be around forever and can’t be the only people he is comfortable around.

We just feel a bit hopeless and at a loss on how to help him better. Thoughts and ideas would be lovely. 

Parents

  • Life can be very hard for autistic children - and if this is the way your son wants to spend his birthday then just accept that and embrace it, and do all you can to give him a really lovely day. He loves your company on his birthday - that’s lovely and you should just all enjoy yourselves and not over complicate that.

    its true that it’s important for autistic people to attempt to have friends and social contact with people, because there are real benefits to that, but it’s also true that a lot of autistic people also need time alone or just in very small groups or just one on one time with someone. What’s important is that your son’s needs are met - and sometimes he might need the quiet enjoyment of not too many people around. Often we feel bad about what we ‘should’ be doing, but what other people like isn’t always what we like. That needs to be respected by the people we love. I hope he has a wonderful birthday :) 

Reply

  • Life can be very hard for autistic children - and if this is the way your son wants to spend his birthday then just accept that and embrace it, and do all you can to give him a really lovely day. He loves your company on his birthday - that’s lovely and you should just all enjoy yourselves and not over complicate that.

    its true that it’s important for autistic people to attempt to have friends and social contact with people, because there are real benefits to that, but it’s also true that a lot of autistic people also need time alone or just in very small groups or just one on one time with someone. What’s important is that your son’s needs are met - and sometimes he might need the quiet enjoyment of not too many people around. Often we feel bad about what we ‘should’ be doing, but what other people like isn’t always what we like. That needs to be respected by the people we love. I hope he has a wonderful birthday :) 

Children
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