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Friendships in autism

Zoenut

My son is 11 years old, in year 7 and struggling. 

He is verbal, but has always struggled most with the social side of things. He has never made a friend, in primary school he was assigned friends by his teacher and he has kept those 3 friends ever since and only those friends. 

it is his birthday in a couple of weeks and we are taking him to London as per his request on the weekend to celebrate. For his actual birthday we have tried to allow him a choice of a few options on what to do.
- Option 1: do nothing (have a nice calm normal routine day) 

- Option 2: arcade and food with 1 friend 

- option 3: arcade and food with all 3 friends 

- option 4: have a friend over our house 

He has chosen none of these, now saying he wants to do the arcade with me and his mother. 

As lovely as that is, it makes us sad to think he doesn’t want to celebrate with friends as this is a common occurrence we are coming across.

He never talks to or sees any friend outside of the school setting now he is in secondary school and we are not as involved in setting up his social circle. His school report says that he is not a team player and doesn’t interact with any of the other pupils and that he comes across quite isolated from the rest of the year group. He doesn’t have any interest in interacting with anyone apart from us and I’m worried that this will only get worse as he gets older. 

As his parents, we know he has a different way of think than us, and we may just not understand his thought process. But we are so worried about his future. Creating connections with peers of his own age is so important, and me and his mum aren’t going to be around forever and can’t be the only people he is comfortable around.

We just feel a bit hopeless and at a loss on how to help him better. Thoughts and ideas would be lovely. 

Parents

  • I am autistic. I now often spend my birthdays alone as I don’t have the energy to deal with seeing people and just want a relaxing normal day. It does make me sad though as my birthdays as a child were special- but not because of parties but because of the time spent with family. I think there is no right or wrong way to celebrate and if your son prefers to spend it with family I would honor that - it’s his special day. As a child we used to have my birthday party at this high ropes course in the forest I loved anyways- it was great because it was centered around an activity but not a group activity. We then had some cake and food there too. When I was a bit younger we also once had the party at a farm where you got to pet the animals and then baked pizza - so again it was quite focused on the activity- Thinking back I probably was much more interested in the activity than in seeing other people- maybe I would have even preferred it with fewer people or just with family. As I got older probably from 13 on we no longer did a party but just did something nice as a family (mum stepdad and I) like go out for a nice meal or even just spend it at home. I wouldn’t worry that much. It’s almost impossible to force yourself to be friends with people you don’t connect to and as an autistic person it can be harder to come accross likeminded people. I thought it was my fault and that I wasn’t trying hard enough to make friends at school as I had none at secondary school. At university I realised I just hadn’t met the right people and that making friendships can be very easy even for autistic people. Most of my friends are also neurodivergent (though I didn’t know that when we met). 

    I would honor his wishes. And remember you are probably giving him a lot of security. At primary school I had a few friends (mainly met them through my mum) but after that I didn’t have any and a lot of my life centered around my hobbies (spending time at stables, cooking with mum) and my mum and I spent a lot of time together. I actually felt much more comfortable around adults from a young age on- not sure why.  I was sad at times that I felt excluded at school but I think no matter how hard I tried I could not have fit in and enjoyed it. It’s important to be able to be yourself and friendships that require a lot of masking don’t last and are not worth it in my opinion. The friends I have now are ones I am sure will last for life- I think this may be common with autistic friendships. I do wish I had found people like them sooner but it can be difficult. I think your son maybe just hasn’t come accross people yet he connects with. 

    I don’t know if any of this helps. I can only share my own personal experience. 

Reply

  • I am autistic. I now often spend my birthdays alone as I don’t have the energy to deal with seeing people and just want a relaxing normal day. It does make me sad though as my birthdays as a child were special- but not because of parties but because of the time spent with family. I think there is no right or wrong way to celebrate and if your son prefers to spend it with family I would honor that - it’s his special day. As a child we used to have my birthday party at this high ropes course in the forest I loved anyways- it was great because it was centered around an activity but not a group activity. We then had some cake and food there too. When I was a bit younger we also once had the party at a farm where you got to pet the animals and then baked pizza - so again it was quite focused on the activity- Thinking back I probably was much more interested in the activity than in seeing other people- maybe I would have even preferred it with fewer people or just with family. As I got older probably from 13 on we no longer did a party but just did something nice as a family (mum stepdad and I) like go out for a nice meal or even just spend it at home. I wouldn’t worry that much. It’s almost impossible to force yourself to be friends with people you don’t connect to and as an autistic person it can be harder to come accross likeminded people. I thought it was my fault and that I wasn’t trying hard enough to make friends at school as I had none at secondary school. At university I realised I just hadn’t met the right people and that making friendships can be very easy even for autistic people. Most of my friends are also neurodivergent (though I didn’t know that when we met). 

    I would honor his wishes. And remember you are probably giving him a lot of security. At primary school I had a few friends (mainly met them through my mum) but after that I didn’t have any and a lot of my life centered around my hobbies (spending time at stables, cooking with mum) and my mum and I spent a lot of time together. I actually felt much more comfortable around adults from a young age on- not sure why.  I was sad at times that I felt excluded at school but I think no matter how hard I tried I could not have fit in and enjoyed it. It’s important to be able to be yourself and friendships that require a lot of masking don’t last and are not worth it in my opinion. The friends I have now are ones I am sure will last for life- I think this may be common with autistic friendships. I do wish I had found people like them sooner but it can be difficult. I think your son maybe just hasn’t come accross people yet he connects with. 

    I don’t know if any of this helps. I can only share my own personal experience. 

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