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Friendships in autism

Zoenut

My son is 11 years old, in year 7 and struggling. 

He is verbal, but has always struggled most with the social side of things. He has never made a friend, in primary school he was assigned friends by his teacher and he has kept those 3 friends ever since and only those friends. 

it is his birthday in a couple of weeks and we are taking him to London as per his request on the weekend to celebrate. For his actual birthday we have tried to allow him a choice of a few options on what to do.
- Option 1: do nothing (have a nice calm normal routine day) 

- Option 2: arcade and food with 1 friend 

- option 3: arcade and food with all 3 friends 

- option 4: have a friend over our house 

He has chosen none of these, now saying he wants to do the arcade with me and his mother. 

As lovely as that is, it makes us sad to think he doesn’t want to celebrate with friends as this is a common occurrence we are coming across.

He never talks to or sees any friend outside of the school setting now he is in secondary school and we are not as involved in setting up his social circle. His school report says that he is not a team player and doesn’t interact with any of the other pupils and that he comes across quite isolated from the rest of the year group. He doesn’t have any interest in interacting with anyone apart from us and I’m worried that this will only get worse as he gets older. 

As his parents, we know he has a different way of think than us, and we may just not understand his thought process. But we are so worried about his future. Creating connections with peers of his own age is so important, and me and his mum aren’t going to be around forever and can’t be the only people he is comfortable around.

We just feel a bit hopeless and at a loss on how to help him better. Thoughts and ideas would be lovely. 

Parents

  • Hey, thought I'd say something as I have an 11 year old boy, and I can relate to not wanting to see friends.

    It can be context. He may feel they are for school and that is the context he is happy seeing them in, but doesn't particularly want to have that for his birthday, as that's family time and he wants to relax and not have to mask for his birthday. 

    My son has had 2 parties, when he was 4 I threw him one as we had moved and was trying to help him make friends in the nursery - but it doesn't exactly work like that sadly. I did manage to do a laser combat party for him when he was 10, as he was getting on better with his class mates, and you do need others to do that. But every other year, what he wants most is a pyjama day, and just relaxing with his family and chose what he wants to eat.

    But daughter has done more parties, but honestly they can mean you don't focus on the birthday child, as you are having to look after the friends instead, so they aren't always as fun for quiet kids. She has regretted having them.

    When I was young, as my birthday was in the summer, I thought it was the best thing ever to not have to see people. I thought the summer holiday was for having a break from school, including school friends. I never could get my head around why those friends had then made other friends over the summer. I mean, I thought that time was for yourself! So it could be a bit of this perhaps.

    One thing though, he might be more inclined to do something with friends when it's not his birthday. So keep his birthdays family events, but you could see if he'd like to do things with one friend at a time outside of his birthday? Worth a try?

    The other thing to consider, he might be one of the group, but maybe feels like a background friend, it's another common experience. You can get by at school, but you don't feel you are truly yourself around them, so you don't want to hang out outside of school. Don't give up hope, as he gets older, he might find his tribe himself. Just keep on doing what you are doing with having options and be positive with what he wants.

    Good luck, I hope he has a wonderful birthday!

Reply

  • Hey, thought I'd say something as I have an 11 year old boy, and I can relate to not wanting to see friends.

    It can be context. He may feel they are for school and that is the context he is happy seeing them in, but doesn't particularly want to have that for his birthday, as that's family time and he wants to relax and not have to mask for his birthday. 

    My son has had 2 parties, when he was 4 I threw him one as we had moved and was trying to help him make friends in the nursery - but it doesn't exactly work like that sadly. I did manage to do a laser combat party for him when he was 10, as he was getting on better with his class mates, and you do need others to do that. But every other year, what he wants most is a pyjama day, and just relaxing with his family and chose what he wants to eat.

    But daughter has done more parties, but honestly they can mean you don't focus on the birthday child, as you are having to look after the friends instead, so they aren't always as fun for quiet kids. She has regretted having them.

    When I was young, as my birthday was in the summer, I thought it was the best thing ever to not have to see people. I thought the summer holiday was for having a break from school, including school friends. I never could get my head around why those friends had then made other friends over the summer. I mean, I thought that time was for yourself! So it could be a bit of this perhaps.

    One thing though, he might be more inclined to do something with friends when it's not his birthday. So keep his birthdays family events, but you could see if he'd like to do things with one friend at a time outside of his birthday? Worth a try?

    The other thing to consider, he might be one of the group, but maybe feels like a background friend, it's another common experience. You can get by at school, but you don't feel you are truly yourself around them, so you don't want to hang out outside of school. Don't give up hope, as he gets older, he might find his tribe himself. Just keep on doing what you are doing with having options and be positive with what he wants.

    Good luck, I hope he has a wonderful birthday!

Children
  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you, I really appreciate the response! We have recently learned from our son that he does categorise his friends and will interact with them on a certain basis so maybe there is a bit of this. 

    I do hope he finds his tribe eventually, and we will definitely try the idea of suggesting something with a friend at a different point in time. 

    thank you!