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when to help in shut down or to leave for adult

topact1066

Hi, my partner is suffering through asd burnout ... to say it’s tough is a under statement

My questions 

is when she is having a shut down in her room and is nonverbal [ could be 1 hour could be all day!]

should i keep going up to check on her

Or by doing this am i messing up her ability to recover energy via the shutdown

Currently I check on her every  30 to 60 mins --- but is that good or bad help !!!!!! 

  • A firm hug and being told you are safe, nothing bad is going to happen and that you're loved, is a good idea.

    But the question was over the frequency.

    I think every 30 mins or hour is too often, but people may vary. It depends how burnt out and overwhelmed you are and how quicky to can get some capacity back.

  • I really don't want to confuse and sound contradictory, but wanted to offer up an idea. I discovered recently that after I've had time to process, a firm hug helps a lot to bring me back. I think it's grounding and connects me to reality again. 

    Maybe at a time when she is feeling okay with herself, have a chat about what might help?  Working out what might help her and having a 'guide' for you might help in future. If it's difficult to talk about, you could make up a questionnaire she can fill out for you? Sometimes communicating indirectly is a lot less pressure and gives time to think about it.

    (I was debating posting, but Expecto_Patronum said similar so it might be okay)

  • I think this is a conversation you need to have with her when she is feeling ok. Only she can truly tell you what does and doesn't help when she feels like that and then between you, you could make a little plan of what you'll do when that happens. When I shut down (which isn't often and doesn't tend to last for very long) I appreciate it when someone sits in a room with me but doesn't expect me to communicate. But for others this may be too much. 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Hi, thanks for your feedback.
    all i do is go lay down on the bed ans say hello and that i love her. sometime i ask how are you. 
    thats it, if she is non respnding i leave so i am in there may be 2 minutes max if non responding  

  • If you are speaking and expecting a response it is probably too often as you are adding more load. You can probably judge by what reaction you get.

    Be careful that she doesn't have sone expectation of needing to do something, as this adds demand and internalises pressure. 

    Every 3 or 4 hours would be fine. If you can't speak it is probably because you've run out of CPU. You can hear, but you can't respond, partly because you don't know what he answer is and can't work it out. For me it is a threat response, you freeze, fawn or flee. I have only been unable to talk in one burnout years ago.

    If you are having trouble communicating it may be easier to ask something first thing, then wait for an answer later or the next day. I might be easier to write it down and leave a pen and paper. But if it is a loaded question it may be hard to answer.

    It might be worth looking for and source of overwhelm, such as bright lights. Some sort of sound can help, such as a fan, or the radio on quietly (I have read talking is easier than music).