Skin picking and Stimming

Thank you so much and like wise. Thank you for sharing and leaning in. Its all such important work along with -yes plenty of self compassion.  If we do it first for ourselves we can for others better too. I'm saying this as much to myself . Please stay in touch

Thank you for your kind words, honesty and sharing your experience. It is clear to see how much work you have done on your journey, to be able to reflect what real growth looks like. I wish you the best as you continue on your journey and the best for your son. 

If you ever want a supporter/boost please feel free to post/message.

Endeavour to be kind to ourselves with self compassion on the journey and hopefully it will make it deservedly a little smoother

Thank you for your kind words.

I have been on quite a journey. Though I know I've much more growing to do yet! I suppose we never really stop learning and developing even if it's up and down along the way. Take good care of yourself too and i hope to connect again on here 

I am so glad it has been able provide support for you as well 

I feel it's the hardest role I'll ever have being a parent and not having a magic wand I desperately crave to fix everything. Instead I'll endeavour to do the work to hopefully support my children to shine and flourish in their own special and unique way. I feel the biggest thing and possibly most overlooked resource is empathy and being present. The biggest message that's come across is it's the being shamed or not understood by those around us. So if I can offer that glimour of hope and safety then the sky's the limit for them. 

Wow it sounds like you've been on an amazing personal journey and worked really hard at realising who you are and setting boundaries, well done! I feel that is one of the hardest things to undertake in life, to challenge the status quo but by doing so, creating the possibility to reap the benefits of finding your true authentic self. 

Your son sounds very lucky to have you, your compassion shines through. 

I am a firm believer that we are the expert in ourselves, we might need support getting there and take alot of work but when we find our way there's no stopping it.

All the best to you 

Thank you for this response Newbie. Its a real support to read this thread for me too and for my journey with my son also. He grinds teeth at night and has done for years - ive been at a loss about this though dentist says he may grow out of it. Hes a young teen. I may have a go at gently bringing some attention to it for him and seeing if we can fathom out alternatives to it with compassion. I wish you all the best with your son - seems you are very compassionate with him. 

I think those who are close to us and say hurtful things are on their own tricky journey and those things can be much about their own personal journey and challenges or insecurities. Remembering this along with setting some boundaries about how and when or how long i communicate with them - until there is clear and genuine change. Im not always explicit about boundaries - just set them / know them eg i cant stay longer than one night and a day at my mothers house when I visit at the moment without it becoming stressful and i try and avoid staying - only she lives a bit of a distance away. Sometimes ive needed to listen and change too of course.
Im gaining confidence with self advocacy though its early days and also i feel i will get better at knowing when someone is being hurtful ( its more about them) and when it is something I may need to take 'on-board' Speaking with my neurodiverse informed therapist is useful as well as trusted friends - to fathom this kind of thing out! Also journalling - often we have the answers  or understanding within us if we 'dig' a bit with writing out our thoughts. Best wishes

Thank you JennyB. It makes perfect sense, being kinder and more understanding of our selves can have really great benefits. But I also appreciate that it can also be a really hard thing to do, when other people may not show empathy or have understanding of the way we are. An action to sooth or to help ourselves makes perfect sense, the issue is that some people may lack the understanding of our actions, but that is their problem not ours. If they lack willingness to understand or empathise with our behaviours then does their option deserve merit, easier said than done as judgement can be hurtful. In a world where we feel pressure to fit in, I've found the "right" people accept us and love us for who we are and unfortunately sometimes that might not be the ones closet to us.

It sounds really special the handkerchief from your grandmother, I'm glad you had that.

I will also look at different textures for him to "play with". I remember the comfort I got from rubbing together the label in my t-shirt.

It really is a joy to learn more and the comfort it brings to your lifes, to try and stop the behaviour does not result in it just "going away", instead it seems bottling it up comes at detriment to yourselves. 

Hi Newbie

I have found that being physically worn out ( though not to the point of extreme exhaustion) by being outdoors in nature lessens my need to stim in this way. When im anxious about decision making that are somewhat emotional in nature eg navigating challenges in intimate relationships is a trigger for me for picking at myself - tied in with rumination too. Journalling or talking with a trusted other while doing another activity like going for a walk or baking can ease it. As a child i was often made to feel ashamed for using silky or cotton fabric to run under my nails in a way thats hard to describe though very soothing for me. One partner found it weird and so i hid it and tried to stop and that was difficult.  I'm embracing it again now when needed - i always did this very discreetly as an adult and would feel uncomfortable about it because of hurtful comments in the past. However - its a much healthier stim for me  than skin picking and actually using fabric to stim with in this way is relatively non-intrusive for others too. As a child I carried a small square of fabric ( like a handkerchief ) around with me that would wear out eventually from all its use! It helped that my Grandmother gave it to me as we were close - i wonder now if she may have understood me because of how she was too. Now i know these behaviours are just me trying to self soothe as stimming i feel kinder to myself about it and strangely i think this attitude makes me stim a little less too.

Thanks Ann, it is incredibly helpful! 

To be able to hear from people with lived experience and what it means to them, can offer me a slight bit of insight in supporting my child better, which means the world to me. 

I have a sadness for people who suffer negatively for stimming, due to a lack of understanding or judgement. If this behaviour is helpful and not harming anyone, then surely that sounds like a good thing! We are all wonderfully different, life would be incredibly boring if we was all the same! 

I feel I will try a scatter gun approach. Different fidgets, giving him things to occupy his mind in quieter times and expending his energy. And also just checking in with what he will find relaxing. 

Thanks again  

Thank you for your honesty. I really hear the importance of not trying to stop the behaviour but maybe hopefully re-direct it some other way to achieve a similar desired release. 

Also the difficulty of maybe not being understood by others and a pressure to stop, when it's not as "simple" as that.

It has really helped my understanding, thank you. 

I also welcome any further lived experiences from anyone if they would like to add. 

Hi, I skin pick as well- for some reason I find it very satisfying and it helps me relax and destress and is quite absorbing. I do it more when I am stressed. I’ve skin picked for years but I didn’t realise it was related to being autistic until recently as I am late diagnosed. My mum really hated when I did it, especially when I picked at my face, and as a child and teenager that sometimes made me try to stop/reduce it but it never quite worked. I have more of an urge to do it when I am stressed as it somehow helps relieve some tension. It’s not ideal but it’s not too destructive and it does come and go in phases so I am not actively trying to stop myself at the moment but just generally try to prioritise my wellbeing and reduce stress. There have been months or even years where I barely did it, but recently everything is very stressful and I’ve been doing it again more- maybe I should try to stop but I have much more pressing health issues (burnout leading to physical health problems etc) and I think the skin picking is the least of my worries and it will probably fix itself when other things in my life improve. I never tried actively replacing it with another stim, but that does sound like something worth trying- I only recently realised that it is in fact a stim which is why this never really occurred to me. I had other stims growing up that weren’t great to do in public (like this rocking thing I did on a chair- it’s hard to describe it exactly but we even gave it a name ‘jubbelen’ in my native language) and that could also cause some issues (like muscles tensing up or becoming sore) if I did them too much- they did really help me focus and relax though but I could overdo it and I somehow learnt to restrict them but again I had no clue they were stims and nor did my family. Stims can have a very positive impact so I think it would be really great to have ones that don’t have negative effects on health and it is great you are exploring this with your child. I think you can’t force stopping these stims though but it might be an idea to try out others- stims can be anything- even making sounds (I used to like going ‘brrrrr’ in a bright way a bit like an alarm clock- my mum did that one too for a while and we did it to release tension but also to express joy and anticipation) , stims don’t have to be physical. I think I used different stims in different circumstances so I don’t think all stims perform the same function so it might take a while to find one that can have a similar effect to the skin picking. I have no idea if any  of this is helpful as I’m still picking away and I’m 28 now

I do a lot of skin picking, it gives me joy, helps me self regulate in both- joy and stress, also if I'm hyperfocused, I fo it without realising it, I only hear from others I should stop but I can't. If I don't do it, it feels like some force shaking me from inside and when my family tried to stop me from my repetitive behaviours I had meltdowns. 

I should stop skin picking, because it's harmful, I can only partially replace it with a spikey ball. I press the Spikes, it gives me enough sensation to replace the picking for so.e time. But then I do picking again. Here your child may need a Behavioral cognitive therapy if it helps, I don't know. I've never tried. I also started picking at age around 9-10. Before there was long staring at objects,  often lights, moving my hands in front of my eyes and also rocking my body.

Thank you very much B 

I found it very useful that you was able to tell me that you feel it might help you relax, it all helps in trying to improve my understanding. I feel that is key on this journey, if I can have a greater understanding, then maybe I can find the perfect thing to hopefully channel it into a healthier stim. With them being under 10 years of age, I appreciate the difficulty they have in understanding and explaining what it does for them, so im hoping to cast a wider net in supporting them with other peoples lived experiences.

Newbie said:

If anyone is a self picker or would like to share what they get from stimming I would greatly appreciate it

I am and I'm 63 so for most of my life, this didn't have a name - I thought of it as a habit.

Pica was also major for me when I was a child and is still around, but is more minor now.

I used to eat everything and my mother would put gloves on my hands indoors to stop me eating my nails and skin but I'd eat through the gloves.

Whilst typing this 3 of my fingers around the cuticles are showing blood.

I chew and eat the skin around and on the ends of my fingers.

What I get from it is a really difficult one for me to answer after decades of this behaviour but I think that sometimes the pain relaxes me.

I hope others here can offer more useful advice.

All the best.