Skin picking and Stimming

Hi Newbie

I have found that being physically worn out ( though not to the point of extreme exhaustion) by being outdoors in nature lessens my need to stim in this way. When im anxious about decision making that are somewhat emotional in nature eg navigating challenges in intimate relationships is a trigger for me for picking at myself - tied in with rumination too. Journalling or talking with a trusted other while doing another activity like going for a walk or baking can ease it. As a child i was often made to feel ashamed for using silky or cotton fabric to run under my nails in a way thats hard to describe though very soothing for me. One partner found it weird and so i hid it and tried to stop and that was difficult.  I'm embracing it again now when needed - i always did this very discreetly as an adult and would feel uncomfortable about it because of hurtful comments in the past. However - its a much healthier stim for me  than skin picking and actually using fabric to stim with in this way is relatively non-intrusive for others too. As a child I carried a small square of fabric ( like a handkerchief ) around with me that would wear out eventually from all its use! It helped that my Grandmother gave it to me as we were close - i wonder now if she may have understood me because of how she was too. Now i know these behaviours are just me trying to self soothe as stimming i feel kinder to myself about it and strangely i think this attitude makes me stim a little less too.

Thank you JennyB. It makes perfect sense, being kinder and more understanding of our selves can have really great benefits. But I also appreciate that it can also be a really hard thing to do, when other people may not show empathy or have understanding of the way we are. An action to sooth or to help ourselves makes perfect sense, the issue is that some people may lack the understanding of our actions, but that is their problem not ours. If they lack willingness to understand or empathise with our behaviours then does their option deserve merit, easier said than done as judgement can be hurtful. In a world where we feel pressure to fit in, I've found the "right" people accept us and love us for who we are and unfortunately sometimes that might not be the ones closet to us.

It sounds really special the handkerchief from your grandmother, I'm glad you had that.

I will also look at different textures for him to "play with". I remember the comfort I got from rubbing together the label in my t-shirt.

It really is a joy to learn more and the comfort it brings to your lifes, to try and stop the behaviour does not result in it just "going away", instead it seems bottling it up comes at detriment to yourselves. 

Thank you for this response Newbie. Its a real support to read this thread for me too and for my journey with my son also. He grinds teeth at night and has done for years - ive been at a loss about this though dentist says he may grow out of it. Hes a young teen. I may have a go at gently bringing some attention to it for him and seeing if we can fathom out alternatives to it with compassion. I wish you all the best with your son - seems you are very compassionate with him. 

I think those who are close to us and say hurtful things are on their own tricky journey and those things can be much about their own personal journey and challenges or insecurities. Remembering this along with setting some boundaries about how and when or how long i communicate with them - until there is clear and genuine change. Im not always explicit about boundaries - just set them / know them eg i cant stay longer than one night and a day at my mothers house when I visit at the moment without it becoming stressful and i try and avoid staying - only she lives a bit of a distance away. Sometimes ive needed to listen and change too of course.
Im gaining confidence with self advocacy though its early days and also i feel i will get better at knowing when someone is being hurtful ( its more about them) and when it is something I may need to take 'on-board' Speaking with my neurodiverse informed therapist is useful as well as trusted friends - to fathom this kind of thing out! Also journalling - often we have the answers  or understanding within us if we 'dig' a bit with writing out our thoughts. Best wishes

Thank you for this response Newbie. Its a real support to read this thread for me too and for my journey with my son also. He grinds teeth at night and has done for years - ive been at a loss about this though dentist says he may grow out of it. Hes a young teen. I may have a go at gently bringing some attention to it for him and seeing if we can fathom out alternatives to it with compassion. I wish you all the best with your son - seems you are very compassionate with him. 

I think those who are close to us and say hurtful things are on their own tricky journey and those things can be much about their own personal journey and challenges or insecurities. Remembering this along with setting some boundaries about how and when or how long i communicate with them - until there is clear and genuine change. Im not always explicit about boundaries - just set them / know them eg i cant stay longer than one night and a day at my mothers house when I visit at the moment without it becoming stressful and i try and avoid staying - only she lives a bit of a distance away. Sometimes ive needed to listen and change too of course.
Im gaining confidence with self advocacy though its early days and also i feel i will get better at knowing when someone is being hurtful ( its more about them) and when it is something I may need to take 'on-board' Speaking with my neurodiverse informed therapist is useful as well as trusted friends - to fathom this kind of thing out! Also journalling - often we have the answers  or understanding within us if we 'dig' a bit with writing out our thoughts. Best wishes

Thank you so much and like wise. Thank you for sharing and leaning in. Its all such important work along with -yes plenty of self compassion.  If we do it first for ourselves we can for others better too. I'm saying this as much to myself . Please stay in touch

Thank you for your kind words, honesty and sharing your experience. It is clear to see how much work you have done on your journey, to be able to reflect what real growth looks like. I wish you the best as you continue on your journey and the best for your son. 

If you ever want a supporter/boost please feel free to post/message.

Endeavour to be kind to ourselves with self compassion on the journey and hopefully it will make it deservedly a little smoother

Thank you for your kind words.

I have been on quite a journey. Though I know I've much more growing to do yet! I suppose we never really stop learning and developing even if it's up and down along the way. Take good care of yourself too and i hope to connect again on here 

I am so glad it has been able provide support for you as well 

I feel it's the hardest role I'll ever have being a parent and not having a magic wand I desperately crave to fix everything. Instead I'll endeavour to do the work to hopefully support my children to shine and flourish in their own special and unique way. I feel the biggest thing and possibly most overlooked resource is empathy and being present. The biggest message that's come across is it's the being shamed or not understood by those around us. So if I can offer that glimour of hope and safety then the sky's the limit for them. 

Wow it sounds like you've been on an amazing personal journey and worked really hard at realising who you are and setting boundaries, well done! I feel that is one of the hardest things to undertake in life, to challenge the status quo but by doing so, creating the possibility to reap the benefits of finding your true authentic self. 

Your son sounds very lucky to have you, your compassion shines through. 

I am a firm believer that we are the expert in ourselves, we might need support getting there and take alot of work but when we find our way there's no stopping it.

All the best to you