Late diagnosed autistic ADHD’er seeking support over parenting

Thanks to both of you for replying.

I really am feeling at my wits end with it all and I feel like I just want to hide in a big hole. On the one hand, I feel so much love for my boys, but I also feel like I’m struggling to tolerate the noise (esp. the crying - which feels relentless at times), the mess, the utter exhaustion and the feeling that I’m not only letting down my wife, but also that my reactions to all this (often yelling at my boys) will just cause them harm in the long run.

It’s like one big vicious cycle, which most of the time results in me losing my temper, having arguments with the wife and me then feeling a sense of shame, inadequacy and regret. My mental health is in shreds and because we don’t have a nearby support network, I struggle to see how I’m able to prioritise my own needs - much as I’d love to - especially when I’m conscious that my wife is doing her utmost and is pretty exhausted too.

Our neighbours have been kind enough to help feed or walk the dog every now and then, but I don’t know if we’d feel comfortable asking them to mind the kids for a while - especially when it already feels pretty much like a 1 way relationship as it is. I just wish we had family nearby or willing to come stay with us a bit more regularly, as it would really help to give us a breather.

We just have so much on at the moment and, in particular, it’s not helping that our eldest son keeps being refused an assessment by our local authority/council for an Education & Health Care Plan (EHCP). He has had numerous professionals state how he needs extra support and he’s received an Autism diagnosis from the NHS, so we’re only asking for the help he needs to safely access his education… but they’ve said no to even assessing him on 3 occasions now and it’s just not fair.

I know that I need to work on myself somehow in healing past trauma and developing systems and coping mechanisms, but I’m struggling to know where to turn and I guess, it’s finding the opportunity when to reach out.

I just wish I could get a big hug and some light at the end of what feels like a pretty dark tunnel.

Thanks again for listening and for your kind words & advice.

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Good morning from America! I’m an Autistic/ADHD father of two daughters, one also Autistic/ADHD.

I can totally understand what you are talking about. I’ve had the overwhelm, often. So a few things I can comment on:

1. My girls are 7 (C, with Autism) and 4 (R, thought to be NT). It has gotten a little better as they grow. C is aware that she has Autism/ADHD and she has been working hard on functioning through that. Our biggest struggle right now is C cannot handle when R pesters her, but otherwise things have improved since she was younger. She no longer has pica and her tantrums have been more manageable, so a lot has improved as she has aged. Hopefully that gives you a little assurance that some things might get better?

2. As Olivia Mod noted well, it is really important to prioritize your own needs. This may mean that sometimes you have to help yourself before you are able to help your children. I feel as though this requires you to work well with your partner or other support system to ensure that you have ample time to rest and recover. Easier said than done, I know, but your mental health is important for both yours and your children’s sake.

3. Ah, I see you say you don’t have family close by. That does complicate things a bit. Again, I’m not sure if you have a partner or not, but that has been pretty crucial for me to work well alongside my wife. Maybe you could leverage help from neighbors? It was hard for me (I am awful at socializing), but I recently reached out to my younger neighbors to let them know that I can help them and they gave me their numbers too in case I need help. We haven’t needed to use that help yet, but it’s at least comforting to know if we have an emergency one of our trusted neighbors could give assistance.

If you have any other questions I’m willing to answer as best as I can!

Dear R,

Welcome to the online community- it is great to have you here, I am Olivia, one of the online community moderators. Well done for reaching out for support from the online community, it sounds like you are doing a great job as a parent and really want to support your family as best as you can whilst learning to manage sensory challenges and parental pressures. It is really important that your prioritise your own needs- I know this can be very difficult to put into practice, but it can really help improve your own wellbeing as well as making it more easy to manage parental responsibilities.

It may be worth taking a look at some of the NAS advice and guidance pages:

About autism

Masking

Autism and sensory processing

 The Autism Services Directory can also be a very helpful to finding groups, activities and support that is available in your local community for both you and your children. 

It may be helpful to work on ways that you can reduce sensory triggers, or creating time where you can have a relaxing sensory break exploring things that may be a pleasant experience rather than overwhelming.

I wish you and your family a very happy 2026,

Olivia Mod