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Late diagnosed autistic ADHD’er seeking support over parenting

russellasmith

Help! I feel stuck and am unsure where to turn.

I am a father to 2 beautiful, amazing boys (one of which has a diagnosis of autism) and I myself was diagnosed with ADHD and autism in 2024. I absolutely worship the ground that my boys walk on and love them to bits, but I never knew just how tough being a parent would be and how overstimulated, overstretched and exhausted I could get.

I had always known that I was a bit different to the norm, but probably spent most of my life trying to keep up, blend in and people please. I went through life carrying such a simplistic view of autism and ADHD, so had no clue that all that time, I was neurodivergent. However, I guess the demands of parenthood have shone a light on my sensory challenges (in addition to some unprocessed trauma) and highlighted just how difficult it really can be - especially when you don’t have the support of family close by.

If anyone else here has faced this too and is happy to help me to access some support to be the best I can be for me and my boys, that’d be really appreciated!

Much love.

R

Parents

  • Thanks to both of you for replying.

    I really am feeling at my wits end with it all and I feel like I just want to hide in a big hole. On the one hand, I feel so much love for my boys, but I also feel like I’m struggling to tolerate the noise (esp. the crying - which feels relentless at times), the mess, the utter exhaustion and the feeling that I’m not only letting down my wife, but also that my reactions to all this (often yelling at my boys) will just cause them harm in the long run.

    It’s like one big vicious cycle, which most of the time results in me losing my temper, having arguments with the wife and me then feeling a sense of shame, inadequacy and regret. My mental health is in shreds and because we don’t have a nearby support network, I struggle to see how I’m able to prioritise my own needs - much as I’d love to - especially when I’m conscious that my wife is doing her utmost and is pretty exhausted too.

    Our neighbours have been kind enough to help feed or walk the dog every now and then, but I don’t know if we’d feel comfortable asking them to mind the kids for a while - especially when it already feels pretty much like a 1 way relationship as it is. I just wish we had family nearby or willing to come stay with us a bit more regularly, as it would really help to give us a breather.

    We just have so much on at the moment and, in particular, it’s not helping that our eldest son keeps being refused an assessment by our local authority/council for an Education & Health Care Plan (EHCP). He has had numerous professionals state how he needs extra support and he’s received an Autism diagnosis from the NHS, so we’re only asking for the help he needs to safely access his education… but they’ve said no to even assessing him on 3 occasions now and it’s just not fair.

    I know that I need to work on myself somehow in healing past trauma and developing systems and coping mechanisms, but I’m struggling to know where to turn and I guess, it’s finding the opportunity when to reach out.

    I just wish I could get a big hug and some light at the end of what feels like a pretty dark tunnel.

    Thanks again for listening and for your kind words & advice.

    Heart️

Reply

  • Thanks to both of you for replying.

    I really am feeling at my wits end with it all and I feel like I just want to hide in a big hole. On the one hand, I feel so much love for my boys, but I also feel like I’m struggling to tolerate the noise (esp. the crying - which feels relentless at times), the mess, the utter exhaustion and the feeling that I’m not only letting down my wife, but also that my reactions to all this (often yelling at my boys) will just cause them harm in the long run.

    It’s like one big vicious cycle, which most of the time results in me losing my temper, having arguments with the wife and me then feeling a sense of shame, inadequacy and regret. My mental health is in shreds and because we don’t have a nearby support network, I struggle to see how I’m able to prioritise my own needs - much as I’d love to - especially when I’m conscious that my wife is doing her utmost and is pretty exhausted too.

    Our neighbours have been kind enough to help feed or walk the dog every now and then, but I don’t know if we’d feel comfortable asking them to mind the kids for a while - especially when it already feels pretty much like a 1 way relationship as it is. I just wish we had family nearby or willing to come stay with us a bit more regularly, as it would really help to give us a breather.

    We just have so much on at the moment and, in particular, it’s not helping that our eldest son keeps being refused an assessment by our local authority/council for an Education & Health Care Plan (EHCP). He has had numerous professionals state how he needs extra support and he’s received an Autism diagnosis from the NHS, so we’re only asking for the help he needs to safely access his education… but they’ve said no to even assessing him on 3 occasions now and it’s just not fair.

    I know that I need to work on myself somehow in healing past trauma and developing systems and coping mechanisms, but I’m struggling to know where to turn and I guess, it’s finding the opportunity when to reach out.

    I just wish I could get a big hug and some light at the end of what feels like a pretty dark tunnel.

    Thanks again for listening and for your kind words & advice.

    Heart️

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