• Replies 4 replies
  • Subscribers 70 subscribers
  • Views 199 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

I don’t know how to help my teenager!

LCJ

This is more of a post to see if anyone else is in or has been in the same situation. My 17 year old son was diagnosed with autism during lockdown. Of course, this was not news to us as a family, more of a ‘certificate of authenticity’ as proof to gain support at school. Despite our best efforts to get support emotionally in school and outside of it, he has always struggled with his diagnosis. We tried, but perhaps we didn’t do enough to support him process these emotions he was feeling (confusion, anger, frustration). 
fast forward 2/3 years and he is now 17, and in his second year at college, and we are experiencing what some might call ‘typical’ teen behaviour in the extreme, but his behaviour, attitude and whole self are having an enormous impact on him and the entire family (not in order of most concerning); his college attendance is 35%, as he refuses to go most days for a variety of reasons; he lies in bed all day; spends 95% of his time on his phone; he is verbally abusive/rude/obnoxious/entitled; his eating habits are absolutely shocking, everything is fried and spicy; he goes out with friends in the evening, not an issue mostly as am glad he leaves the house and has a social circle but I strongly suspect he is using drugs. His mental health is at an all time low-unsurprisingly and we have tried several avenues to get him help, the GP refer to CAMHS, who reject him, the support and counsellors we do find, he attends once or twice and then stops going as doesn’t see the point or doesn’t like them. This is already long so I’ll stop there but there are many, many things that are affecting him and the family is being severely impacted to the point where his younger sister is now seeing a counsellor. Has anyone been through similar or have any thoughts? 

  • What is he studying at college and what level? Is it something he enjoys? If not, is there something else he could do?

    I went to college when I was 16 because, whilst I did OK at school, I was desperate to move on (5 years is a /long/ time at that age). I did a subject I found really interesting and did very well. This was a bit of a challenge which I had to push through because other people had decided for me that I was highly academic, and I should do academic subjects and pursue a career in IT. In reality, I hate IT (it is one of the more boring and tedious subjects there is), and I learn things by doing them. If I'd stayed at 6th form I would have been bored stiff and not got anywhere.

    I subsequently did another [part time] course which was badly run. It was boring; I was excluded from class discussions by teachers and penalised for attempting to use my time wisely by going to the library instead. I gave up on this course. I eventually needed the money so I  claimed benefits and then got a job.

    I'm mentioning this basically because it might take your son some time to figure out what he wants or needs to do. With regards to college, he might benefit by trying a more interesting subject. If its too hard, he might need to do a lower level. If its too easy and he finds it boring then he might need to do something more challenging. 

    Lots of people (especially children/teenagers) had a hard time during lockdown and I think many will never really recover from it.

    You say he doesn't see the point in counselling. That's important because counselling has to have a 'point'. People go to counsellors because they want to talk confidentially about specific issues, like depression, emotions, life, etc. Not because the doctor told them to, or the parent told them to. For therapy to be effective he will need to have some understanding of what it will and won't achieve and why. If not, its not worth bothering with. 

    Sorry I don't have a solution as such, but I hope that helps.

  • Hi. Just replying to say some similarities here, apart from going out in the evenings and concerns about drugs. He spends most of his time in his bedroom. Most local friendships have dwindled since leaving school.  

    My son is 17 and diagnosed the last Friday before lockdown. We thought the lockdowns affected his attending school after as he got used to not attending school and did very little at home. School became a battle and used up a lot of mental ability for us as parents. He tended to be easily led to doing things he thought were exciting.

    Last year he did a college course, but attendance got worse and he did not complete the course. This year we were beginning to feel at a loss as to what he could do and our mental health is not good. Due to him having an EHCP he was able to get help from Youth Services. After the first option not working he is on a second course especially for those who found school difficult. It has not been without issues, but overall it seems to be working better. The main issues we have are because he gets tired as finds it difficult to go to bed before 2 or sometimes later. I wonder if your local Council are able to tell you of any youth services that might be able to help?

  • LCJ said:
    Despite our best efforts to get support emotionally in school and outside of it, he has always struggled with his diagnosis.

    I don't think there is much emotional support provided by the school or NHS - this is largely for autists to sort out themselves from what I have seen.

    LCJ said:
    the GP refer to CAMHS, who reject him, the support and counsellors we do find, he attends once or twice and then stops going as doesn’t see the point or doesn’t like them.

    What grounds did CAMHS give for the rejection? Is it because he does not attend?

    LCJ said:
    he is now 17

    This is tricky - he is old enough to make his own decisions - even get married if he chose to do so in Scotland. For all intents and purposes he can be considered an adult and able to make his own decisions - even bad ones.

    If he will not engage in attempts to support his own mental health then you probably have to respect it, but it may be worth pointing out that while he has choices, there are also consequences.

    Laying down ground rules may help by giving some structure and what limits cannot be crossed without consequence.

    How he spends his time, how he treats his attendance at college and how he eats are all his business. Tell him this and tell him he is responsible for any consequences of them.

    You can set hard limits on drug use - having a mandatory drug test once a week / month or whatever is only likely to confirm your suspicions, not do anything about it. A consequence of breaking this rule will be required that is proportional. You could withdraw his allowance so he cannot buy the drugs, limit his mobile phone allowance so he has less data to use, restrict hours of internet access at home for when he should be at college etc.

    Assign him chores to earn his perks such as his phone allowance. It should ideally be something that takes more than a few minutes so it starts to teach him the importance of earning things.

    You need to find something that will make an impression without being cruel.

    These do sound fairly common teenage boy behaviours though - it may be worth encouraging him to look at the practicality of leaving home to make him realise how good he has it there and how much you could make it less comfortable if he is not a contributing member of the "pack".

  • Hello LCJ, 

    Thank you for contacting the community. I am very sorry to read your post. I hope you are looking after yourself. 

    I have looked through our advice and guidance sections and wonder if any of the following will help. 

    We have a section on behaviour which may give useful advice:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour

    The mental health and wellbeing section may also offer some support:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health-and-wellbeing

    There is also a section on support strategies, please find the link here:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/support-strategies-and-interventions

    Do feel free to explore other sections to see if they offer any further advice but I wanted to give you a starting point. 

    With best wishes, 

    Anna Mod