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I don’t know how to help my teenager!

LCJ

This is more of a post to see if anyone else is in or has been in the same situation. My 17 year old son was diagnosed with autism during lockdown. Of course, this was not news to us as a family, more of a ‘certificate of authenticity’ as proof to gain support at school. Despite our best efforts to get support emotionally in school and outside of it, he has always struggled with his diagnosis. We tried, but perhaps we didn’t do enough to support him process these emotions he was feeling (confusion, anger, frustration). 
fast forward 2/3 years and he is now 17, and in his second year at college, and we are experiencing what some might call ‘typical’ teen behaviour in the extreme, but his behaviour, attitude and whole self are having an enormous impact on him and the entire family (not in order of most concerning); his college attendance is 35%, as he refuses to go most days for a variety of reasons; he lies in bed all day; spends 95% of his time on his phone; he is verbally abusive/rude/obnoxious/entitled; his eating habits are absolutely shocking, everything is fried and spicy; he goes out with friends in the evening, not an issue mostly as am glad he leaves the house and has a social circle but I strongly suspect he is using drugs. His mental health is at an all time low-unsurprisingly and we have tried several avenues to get him help, the GP refer to CAMHS, who reject him, the support and counsellors we do find, he attends once or twice and then stops going as doesn’t see the point or doesn’t like them. This is already long so I’ll stop there but there are many, many things that are affecting him and the family is being severely impacted to the point where his younger sister is now seeing a counsellor. Has anyone been through similar or have any thoughts? 

Parents
  • LCJ said:
    Despite our best efforts to get support emotionally in school and outside of it, he has always struggled with his diagnosis.

    I don't think there is much emotional support provided by the school or NHS - this is largely for autists to sort out themselves from what I have seen.

    LCJ said:
    the GP refer to CAMHS, who reject him, the support and counsellors we do find, he attends once or twice and then stops going as doesn’t see the point or doesn’t like them.

    What grounds did CAMHS give for the rejection? Is it because he does not attend?

    LCJ said:
    he is now 17

    This is tricky - he is old enough to make his own decisions - even get married if he chose to do so in Scotland. For all intents and purposes he can be considered an adult and able to make his own decisions - even bad ones.

    If he will not engage in attempts to support his own mental health then you probably have to respect it, but it may be worth pointing out that while he has choices, there are also consequences.

    Laying down ground rules may help by giving some structure and what limits cannot be crossed without consequence.

    How he spends his time, how he treats his attendance at college and how he eats are all his business. Tell him this and tell him he is responsible for any consequences of them.

    You can set hard limits on drug use - having a mandatory drug test once a week / month or whatever is only likely to confirm your suspicions, not do anything about it. A consequence of breaking this rule will be required that is proportional. You could withdraw his allowance so he cannot buy the drugs, limit his mobile phone allowance so he has less data to use, restrict hours of internet access at home for when he should be at college etc.

    Assign him chores to earn his perks such as his phone allowance. It should ideally be something that takes more than a few minutes so it starts to teach him the importance of earning things.

    You need to find something that will make an impression without being cruel.

    These do sound fairly common teenage boy behaviours though - it may be worth encouraging him to look at the practicality of leaving home to make him realise how good he has it there and how much you could make it less comfortable if he is not a contributing member of the "pack".

Reply
  • LCJ said:
    Despite our best efforts to get support emotionally in school and outside of it, he has always struggled with his diagnosis.

    I don't think there is much emotional support provided by the school or NHS - this is largely for autists to sort out themselves from what I have seen.

    LCJ said:
    the GP refer to CAMHS, who reject him, the support and counsellors we do find, he attends once or twice and then stops going as doesn’t see the point or doesn’t like them.

    What grounds did CAMHS give for the rejection? Is it because he does not attend?

    LCJ said:
    he is now 17

    This is tricky - he is old enough to make his own decisions - even get married if he chose to do so in Scotland. For all intents and purposes he can be considered an adult and able to make his own decisions - even bad ones.

    If he will not engage in attempts to support his own mental health then you probably have to respect it, but it may be worth pointing out that while he has choices, there are also consequences.

    Laying down ground rules may help by giving some structure and what limits cannot be crossed without consequence.

    How he spends his time, how he treats his attendance at college and how he eats are all his business. Tell him this and tell him he is responsible for any consequences of them.

    You can set hard limits on drug use - having a mandatory drug test once a week / month or whatever is only likely to confirm your suspicions, not do anything about it. A consequence of breaking this rule will be required that is proportional. You could withdraw his allowance so he cannot buy the drugs, limit his mobile phone allowance so he has less data to use, restrict hours of internet access at home for when he should be at college etc.

    Assign him chores to earn his perks such as his phone allowance. It should ideally be something that takes more than a few minutes so it starts to teach him the importance of earning things.

    You need to find something that will make an impression without being cruel.

    These do sound fairly common teenage boy behaviours though - it may be worth encouraging him to look at the practicality of leaving home to make him realise how good he has it there and how much you could make it less comfortable if he is not a contributing member of the "pack".

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